


the Vows we Break

by trixiechick



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Cheating, M/M, Stabbing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 08:43:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixiechick/pseuds/trixiechick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shindou Masao has a midlife crisis, which may or may not have something to do with his son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January

**Author's Note:**

> written for the [hikago big bang](http://hikarunogo.dreamwidth.org/tag/big+bang). this is essentially original!fic, given that it primarily revolves around a character than _never_ appears in the manga or the anime. for anyone willing to take a chance and read it anyway, i deeply appreciate it. i've written [Shindou Masao as gay before](http://www.offpanel.net/chick/stories/waitingfortheking.html), so that idea has somewhat been in my head for a while. this fic could be seen as a sequel to [1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/511745), though it would be the most absurd sequel ever, since that fic was 357 words, and this one is over 55,000.

* * *

  


January

  


* * *

  
He fiddled with his wedding band a bit, examining his image in the mirror. He was pretty sure that he looked _plenty_ fine enough for a dinner out, but his wife was buzzing about so nervously, it was infectious. Still, this was one of his newer and finer suits, with one of his finer shirts, and his best tie. Well, it was a tie that Hikaru had given him for his birthday, but he considered it his best.

"You know, I honestly thought one of the best things about Hikaru dating a young man was that we wouldn't _have_ to do this sort of awkward 'meeting the in-laws' type of thing."

"Oh, dear..." his wife sighed at him. She came up behind him to brush imaginary lint off his shoulders. He stood up very straight, his back stiff. "I wish you would take this more seriously. It's important, you know, for Hikaru and Akira-kun, to know we care. Here, let me..." She shifted around him, and started to straighten out his tie. Which, by the way, was straight before she adjusted it.

"You know, I'm actually quite used to tying my tie," he reminded her genially, looking at a point on the wall beyond her shoulder.

She seemed to be smiling at him. "I am well aware, but your collar looks neater when you get it just a tiny bit tighter."

"Ah, you want to choke me..." he sighed while grinning. 

She adjusted his pocket square, and then ran her hands down his chest. He tried hard not to breathe. "You really do look quite nice for a man your age."

That got him to laugh, but not in the best possible way. "Mitsuko, if that was supposed to be a compliment..."

"It was!" she smiled. She looked very pretty when she smiled, when she... wasn't worried about something. That amethyst dress was really beautiful for her, too. He couldn't remember the last time she got so dressed up. "Just remember... don't... talk about work too much, dear," she fretted.

Her smile was prettier. He rolled his eyes. "You act like we're about to sit at tea with the Emperor. I've met people before, you know. I think I can manage not to embarrass our son. Too much, anyway."

She bit her lip. "I know, I'm being fussy. It's just... Akira-kun's father is someone very important to... Go pros. I don't really understand it, but I'd really like to make a nice impression. Hikaru said they were fine when they went over to them to _announce_... but..."

"You worry too much," he chastised her, checking his cell phone before slipping it into his pocket. "Even if Hikaru _is_ dating the boss' son..."

"It's not like that," she gently snapped at him. Well, he _was_ making light of her concerns. Still. "It'd be nice, since you wore the waistcoat, if you one of those chains..." she fussed, drawing a line with her finger where she thought he should be more decorated.

He did not push her hand away. "A fob? I don't think anyone wears those anymore. They were for pocket watches. I suppose if you could harness a cell phone that way..." Besides, a fob _and_ a pocket square would be far too much worn at the same time.

"I think some people still wear them..." she said diffidently.

He gave her a funny look. Ah... He reached out to touch the small flower she had behind her ear. "That's rather lovely."

She blushed, and turned her face away. "Ah... yes... that is... I told you, there's a new florist in the neighborhood. The person who owns it, Hara-san, is very kind, and very willing to chat and answer questions."

_Sounds like business is slow,_ Masao thought, but he was spared from taking an interest by Hikaru calling up to them that it was _**Time to go, already!**_

He held the door for Mitsuko, letting her get ahead of him. 

"Man, you guys are making me feel underdressed!" their son complained when they got downstairs. He was wearing a patterned button-down shirt and clean cargos. "I _told_ you, it's just dinner, let's not make some kinda big deal and all about it," he groused.

Masao got out his black dress shoes. It definitely seemed like this was a big deal to Hikaru. He ruffled his son's hair as he slipped his shoes on, but Hikaru immediately protested and ducked away. "Relax, son, this is just the old-people version of not wearing a hoodie."

Mitsuko smirked at him as he got her coat. 

Damn, it would be a long night...

* * *

  
Mitsuko and Touya Akiko seemed to have become the best and closest of friends within minutes of sitting down next to each other. Hikaru, Akira-kun, and Akira-kun's father were engaged in a go-related conversation which seemed to only occasionally involve Touya-san, as _conversationalist_ did not seem to be on his list of qualifications, but mostly that was just when Akira-kun wanted to prove to Hikaru that he was wrong about something. And three times already, one of the parents at the table had warned the boys to _be quiet, we're in a restaurant._ Masao leaned back in his seat, bored out of his mind.

It was fine that he wasn't seated next to the Touya-san. Though their wives were thick as thieves, he doubted if he had anything at all in common with this imposing man. Even the way he dressed was intended to put himself in a different class, with his traditional garb. Masao couldn't imagine going out in public like that. A well-tailored suit was far more flattering to a man's body, anyway, even if hakama pants did have their advantages. The only interesting thing about dinner (besides the food, which was a little too on the side of pretentious to be delicious) was watching his son and his boyfriend interact. Besides the fact that it seemed entirely too likely that the boys could argue about the color of the sky, there was such a deep sense of intimacy between them, so it was like watching an old couple who had been married and deeply in love for decades.

Now, just how did Hikaru manage _that?_

Even the way they argued with each other (over a board game, Masao reminded himself over and over again) underscored their closeness. In order to prove their points, they'd end up finishing each other's sentences and then immediately trying to discount each other. It would be comical and charming...

If they weren't talking about a goddamned board game. One Masao had been hearing about most of his life, one his father tried countless times to make him play when he was a child. It really hit him, now, that Hikaru was a pro in this alien world, something so far apart from anything in which Masao had ever been interested. Was this his father's influence on his son, then? Was that how Hikaru started this ridiculous obsession? That thought didn't sit too well with Masao, though he knew there were lots of traits that skipped generations. Of course, they were here because Hikaru was involved with a young man, so...

"Shindou-san?"

Masao looked up, shocked to have been caught completely lost in thought. He immediately stood up, frantically trying to remember this man's name. They worked on a project together about a year and a half ago... "Ah, ... Maruyama-san, it's nice to see you." He gave a short bow, leaning on the back of his chair. This man was such a sloppy dresser, and he spent too much time at work hitting on the office ladies. 

"You're looking very well, Shindou-san, as always. I understand you're heading up the Allenmande ground project these days?" He even looked oily. Of course, he was trying to change departments. His department was going to undergo layoffs at the end of the quarter due to poor returns. 

Masao raised his chin a bit, and smiled benignly. "Mm. It's not really an appropriate time to talk shop. I don't think you've ever met my wife, Mitsuko." Mitsuko nodded to the man, her manners, as always, perfect. "And this is my son, Hikaru." Hikaru just sort of stared blankly at Maruyama. "This is Maruyama-san, he's in a different department at my company." Suddenly, a rather mischievous notion overtook him, and he couldn't help it. "We're just finishing dinner with my son's boyfriend and his family. That's Touya Akira and his father, Kouyo, and mother, Akiko. Both the boys are extremely successful go pros, at such a young age. Remarkable, isn't it?" 

It was hilarious, watching the man try to smile and nod while also taking a step back. "Oh, oh, ah, yes, ah, oh, yes! Th-that's rather... I mean, as a father you m-must be s-so... so... _proud_..."

What a fucking weasel. If Masao got a chance to offer input, he'd recommend this idiot be laid off. "Of course I am," he stated flatly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"O-of course!" Maruyama nodded too forcefully, while speaking too loudly. "Well, I didn't mean to interrupt you. I'll... I'll let you get back to it, then!" He bowed a few times, and backed off.

Smirking, Masao reseated himself, smoothing out his waistcoat and pants as he did.

"As always, you have a strange sense of humor, dear," Mitsuko sighed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Masao cheerfully dismissed.

"That's... not going to cause trouble for you at work?" Hikaru asked, wide-eyed. 

What a surprising look on that kid. "That's not something you need to worry about."

"But, that guy, he might say something..." Hikaru looked past his father to where Maruyama stumbled off.

"Of course he'll say something," Masao shrugged. "If humans weren't able to gossip, they'd become very dull and sluggish. Gossip makes an office _hum_ ," he teased. "It's much too late for you to be worried about that. You just can't let small-minded people bog you down."

Hikaru was still regarding him suspiciously, but his boyfriend was positively beaming. "If you don't mind my asking, Shindou-san, I don't think Hikaru's ever mentioned what you do for a living?"

Such a polite young man. Clearly, his father did a good job raising him. Hopefully, Hikaru would help him loosen up, though that was a line of thought that Masao was only willing to take so far. "Eh? Does Hikaru even _know_ what I do?" he teased.

Hikaru turned red and sputtered a bit. So cute. His son was still so cute. "Wh-that...! I know! Of course I know! You work at Fujima..."

"Fujitsu Limited," Masao corrected. Fujima? Was that even a corporation?

"I know!" Hikaru huffed. "You're... ah... like an accountant or something!"

"Wow, what I do is nothing at all like accounting," Masao sighed, dejectedly. "I realize my job is not as fun as being a go pro, but still. It's slightly better than being an accountant."

Mitsuko held her napkin to her face to cover up her giggles, but Akiko-san still noticed and smiled along with her. Hikaru just threw his hands up in despair. "It has _something_ to do with accounts! I've seen your business card!"

"I fear for you, son. Really. This is what comes of not completing high school. You're lucky that Akira-kun is such a bright young man, but he might get tired of an idiot like you eventually." That made Hikaru turn even redder. So cute. "My official job title is Vice President of Production and Design Accounts."

"See?" Hikaru declared smugly. "I knew there was accounts in there!"

"Shindou..." Akira-kun sighed, hanging his head down.

"Ooh, that sounds like a very responsible position," Akiko-san admired. She gave Mitsuko a look, as if her husband's prestige advanced her own. "And such a large corporation!"

Masao felt uncomfortable. "It sounds nice, doesn't it? Unfortunately, there's about a thousand Vice Presidents at Fujitsu. I essentially file paperwork," he shrugged humbly. He was beginning to feel like talking about go would be more compelling.

"But you started out as an accountant," Hikaru tried.

Masao closed his eyes and shook his head. "Give it up, son."

"Hikaru, how could you not know this?" Mitsuko reprimanded unnecessarily. "Your father joined the company as a calligrapher."

" _Eh?_ " Hikaru stared at him, shocked. Masao just sighed. "Since when can you do calligraphy? And why does a big company need a calligrapher, anyway?"

"Shindou!" Akira-kun hissed.

Damn, they were cute _together_ , weren't they? "Let's see... I first joined the calligraphy club in my first year of high school. In college, I majored in graphic design, but I was in the calligraphy club there, too. And every large company has a section for calligraphers. Certain types of documents are still required by law to be hand-written after all."

"Eh? Seriously?" Hikaru looked dubious, but he glanced at Akira-kun who was rolling his eyes at his boyfriend's stupidity, and that made him shut up. "But why did you join the calligraphy club to begin with? Wasn't it mostly girls?" he asked dubiously.

"That might have _been_ the reason," Akiko-san commented quietly.

Mitsuko gave him a bit of an odd look.

"Mm, well... there was a senpai I was interested in," he replied noncommittally. 

"Ooh... a girlfriend before mom?" Hikaru asked, a bit too gleefully.

Would it be so strange to think that Masao had dated someone before Mitsuko? And yet... "Senpai was a third year when I was a first year, but still very willing to hang out and teach. But no, we never dated. Somehow, though, I got to really enjoy calligraphy at that time." It had been a long time since he'd thought about Koide-senpai. And his long, beautiful fingers, and the way they worked a brush.

"Did you know this senpai, mom?" Hikaru asked.

"Your mother is two years younger than I am," Masao cut in wearily. "And we didn't go to the same high school, anyway." Mitsuko was still looking at him oddly, and it was making him uncomfortable.

"Ah, that's true," Hikaru nodded thoughtfully. "You're unexpectedly mysterious, dad!"

"Isn't it just that you're lacking in normal curiosity about the people around you, son?" Masao countered.

Hopefully, the conversation would turn back to go now. As soon as his son got over being offended.

* * *

  
He checked his reflection in the shiny glass wall as they paraded from the elevator back to the offices. Vanity. He always hated it when he showed signs of vanity, but he couldn't help it, really. Four meetings in one day. He wouldn't be surprised if he started to sprout grey hairs. His assistant, Arakawa-san, was prattling off the litany of all the _critically important issues_ that had come up while he had valiantly stayed awake for droning meeting after droning meeting, the most dire of which seemed to be about a mislabeled file that had been uploaded to the server.

His job was truly boring.

He greeted his subordinates as he strolled through the office. Kimura jolted at his desk and quickly started to 'look busy,' so that lazy-ass was probably, as usual, playing games on his computer. Masao didn't care that much as long as he wasn't using the company's resources to gamble online again, and as long as the bastard didn't mind another year without a raise. One of the girls from the secretarial pool jumped up to get him a coffee. He'd tried before to tell the girls that he didn't want any coffee after a certain point in the day, but it was fine. 

He sat at his desk and waited for them all to swarm. His assistant finished by putting down a list of things for him to do, now that he was back in the office. He gave her a bit of a sour look, but she just winked at him.

Maybe he didn't carry the appropriate amount of authority...?

Sugahara had a file for him to approve, Nishida wanted a decision on an irrelevant issue, Eida wanted to update him on a project that was about as low a priority as was possible to have in the company... Kinjou-kun quietly edged his way closer and closer to the desk, acting as if he were taking notes. 

Kinjou-kun wasn't a secretary, so that wasn't his job. Masao cleared each person away one at a time, twirling his wedding ring around his finger. Kinjou-kun was relatively new, only working in Masao's department for four months. He'd transferred from the sales department, so at first, Masao had given him a bit of extra attention to make sure he could make the transition. That had been, perhaps, a mistake. He should have assigned someone else to guide the newbie, but at the time, the best people for that position were busy with large projects, and he had more time. He was fairly sure that Kinjou-kun had gotten the wrong idea, and he was completely sure that Kinjou-kun had the same sort of ambitions as some of the office ladies.

"Your coffee, boss!" Ozaki cheerfully declared, setting down a mug of sugared and creamed coffee. 

At least she knew how to make coffee right, so he smiled at her genially. "Thank you, Ozaki."

"Boss, don't you think it's been a long time since you've taken us out for drinks after work?" she pouted, putting her elbows down on his desk.

She was far from the sluttiest secretary he'd ever worked with, but he knew her type. She would sleep with him in a second, as if it were part of her job. But, she wanted to become someone's assistant or a secretary in a more prestigious department. It was ambition, but she knew how to pace herself, and he knew she didn't have a crush on him.

Kinjou-kun was scowling at her.

" _Has_ it? Well, I've been in meetings all day. I'm not really up for it tonight. Maybe if we can meet all our quotas for once, I can take you all out for drinks at the end of the quarter," he offered slyly. Their department depended heavily on other departments to finish their tasks, so even if he told them all to _work harder to exceed expectations_ , as a manager was supposed to do, it was useless. 

She pouted at him, making a big show of sighing heavily. Kinjou-kun coughed rather aggressively to show his disapproval. "Aw. Boss should have more fun with his people; after all, you're not that old yet!"

Masao rolled his eyes. He really didn't want to think about his age at this point. "You go on and have fun without me. _After_ work, of course."

"Of course!" she cheerfully agreed, and then she trotted off.

He might be inclined to favor her with a recommendation for a new position if he had any idea if her skill set included anything other than _good at making coffee_. Still, it was good coffee, so he took a long sip.

Kinjou-kun was the only one left in his office, and he was hovering too close to Masao's chair. Waiting.

Feeling tired, Masao looked up at him expectantly. "Yes?"

The young man smiled, looking far too pleased with himself for Masao's taste. He put his hand on the arm of Masao's chair, and set the file he had down on Masao's desk. He leaned in very closely to speak, "I just wanted to be sure that I'd done everything correctly for this report before I submitted it. I'm still making some mistakes with the directory fields."

Masao furrowed his brow. This was impertinent. He leaned slightly away from Kinjou-kun. "I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. You've nearly been here half a year. Besides, asking your manager to proofread for you is a little..." he trailed off.

"Have I become a nuisance to you? Shindou-san?" Kinjou-kun leaned in rather closely. 

This was bothersome. He leaned even further away, and looked over the file. "Mm. This is fine. Make sure you make a copy before submitting, _and_ scan it onto the server." So much for a paperless office...

"Right. Got it. Thank you. Shindou-san." Kinjou-kun didn't move, though. 

Masao knew that the young man was waiting for Masao to look him in the eye. He looked away, instead. "You'd better get going. That needs to be submitted today."

"Yes, sir," Kinjou-kun practically purred. Finally, he straightened up and picked up his file. "Thank you. Sir."

Masao just sighed.

His office was finally empty, but his door, as always, was open. He looked over his to-do list, opened his email, checked his voice mail... returning messages and redirecting questions was about 70% of his job now. He still kept one calligraphy brush in his desk, but he had no ink or an ink stone anymore, so it was nothing more than nostalgia. 

He didn't even open his drawer to look at it. He had work to do.

Even thinking that way, though, it wasn't like he was in any hurry. He continued to plod through his voice mails and emails first, since people might be waiting for a reply, and then he went through each task on his to-do list. Kimura was the first to leave, trying to avoid being noticed as he walked past the boss' door, _as always_. Masao noticed, anyway. He checked the clock. It was after five, but just barely. A few secretaries left at six thirty, and the at about seven, a regular parade started. Most of his employees had the good grace and manners to acknowledge him as they left. He wasn't that stingy that he expected his people to work the same strange hours he did, so he didn't mind them leaving early, but that damned Kimura... 

At eight, Masao leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes. Unconsciously, he played with his wedding ring while he stared at the ceiling. He was going to have to start documenting Kimura's behavior so that he could properly bring it up in a review. Truthfully, though, he didn't want to fire Kimura. The man still had connections to his old department, and was well-liked by those people, so there were certain situations where he was handy. That couldn't be the only thing he did for the department, though. No one had said anything about layoffs with his people, but it wasn't impossible. If he was told he had to layoff some people, Kimura would be first on the list. The man should be made aware of that. He was divorced, so maybe he wasn't too concerned about his income, though Masao had heard rumors about him frequenting a host bar. How ridiculous, a man his age forking over his paycheck for women to pretend to like him. He probably couldn't afford to fuck any of them, anyway. What a damned waste.

It wasn't like Masao wasn't aware that there was one employee who had not yet left, because he was a conscientious manager, and he kept track of those things. Still, he wasn't about to go out and chase Kinjou-kun away. Not when he knew that the damned kid was going to come into his office anyway. 

He did not expect the other man to come in behind him and put his hand on Masao's chest. 

"You're like a damned ninja," Masao complained. He did not push Kinjou-kun's hand away. This was a mistake. He looked at the other man, trying to be stern. It wasn't going to work if he wasn't going to physically push him away. He noticed that somehow, Kinjou-kun had closed his door as he crept in, the brat.

"You were just lost in thought, Shindou-san," Kinjou-kun smiled. The blasted cat who ate the canary. "I could have come in with a trumpet and you wouldn't have noticed."

"Oh," Masao looked down at the hand on his chest. "I probably would have. You don't need to wait for me, Kinjou-kun. You _must_ be done with your work by now, right?" He gave the brat a look that meant that if he _wasn't_ done with his work, there was something wrong with him. 

"I don't mind staying and helping you. Shindou-san." The way he smiled and the way he licked his lips, it was clear what kind of _help_ he meant.

Masao had been married for over nineteen years. He knew he wasn't a good husband, so he did his best to be good in the ways that he could be. In all that time, he would say that he'd never really strayed. He'd certainly never done anything as embarrassing as carry on an affair with a coworker. And this was much worse, since Kinjou-kun was his subordinate. This was just... unacceptable.

It had to be.

"I don't need any help," he wearily assured Kinjou-kun. He looked at the hand, which was now stroking his chest. This was insane. "It's past time that you should be going. If you have time to mess around with your boss, you should go out instead and find yourself a suitable partner."

Kinjou-kun's hand slipped under his waistcoat, his fingertips probing, questing, and finding Masao's nipple. Well, damn. He couldn't entirely prevent himself from reacting to that, but... "I'd really like to be helpful to you, Shindou-san. You've done so much for me..." He tried to pinch Masao's nipple through his shirt. Masao's hand jerked up to grab Kinjou-kun's wrist, but he just held it in place.

The brat smirked at him.

"I haven't... done anything special for you. You have no reason to..." Masao started. 

Kinjou-kun's other hand went to Masao's thigh. He caressed the fabric of Masao's pants, moving his hand closer and closer to the inside of his thigh. "You always wear such beautiful suits. Such nice fabrics. I wonder... where do you shop? I'd like to have a suit like this someday."

"Well, it's a little above your paygrade for the moment," Masao put him off. He needed to be more forceful.

How long had it been since he'd been touch by another man like this? Nearly twenty years... he'd slipped a few times, on business trips, and used the services of a prostitutes. In all those years, that had only happened a _few_ times. So, why now...? Why wasn't he being more forceful _now?_

For some reason, he thought about his son... how straight Hikaru's back had been when he'd 'introduced' them to Akira-kun. His back had been straight, but his language was relaxed, and he'd laughed easily right away. 

Kinjou-kun's hand slipped between his legs.

"I notice you, Shindou-san. I notice you all the time. I know the cologne you wear. I pay attention to how you style your hair. How often you shave... and how, like now, at the end of the day, if the angle is just right, I can see that your face isn't as smooth anymore. So I know, no matter how many secretaries and clients flirt with you, you're always polite but you never react. I notice the way you look certain men up and down, though. I noticed it the first time you met me. You looked _me_ up and down like that. You have a bad habit of playing with your wedding ring. Is that because of guilt? Shindou-san? 

"Are you cheating on your wife? Or is it just that you want to be?" 

Kinjou-kun tweaked his nipple hard and stroked his hand over Masao's crotch. He was just a man, after all. He couldn't stop his body from responding to stimuli. 

"K-Kinjou-kun. This is a mistake. Let's... just stop here. And we'll forget..." he started.

"I don't want to forget," Kinjou-kun smirked. That damned smirk. He pushed Masao's chair back, and slid to his knees. "I'm definitely never going to forget this." He pulled his hand out of Masao's weakened grasp, and opened up Masao's belt. "Don't worry, Shindou-san. You're not at fault here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's just pleasure, after all. You can't help wanting it."

"I... never said... I wanted you," Masao petulantly complained. 

Kinjou-kun laughed, and opened Masao's pants. Oh, shit. In a second, he had Masao's cock out. Damn it, damn it, damn it...! At the office, too...! "You don't have to say a word. Like I said before, I want to help you. And I know what you want." 

Those poisonous lips wrapped around the tip of his cock, and Masao bucked, helpless. He had to stop this. Now. He put his hands on Kinjou-kun's shoulder and his head. He needed to... push him away...

His fingers tangled in Kinjou-kun's hair, and he gripped his shoulder, pulling him closer.

Damn it.

* * *

  
The house was in complete darkness when he came home, which was an all-too common thing for him. He was quiet as he closed and locked the door, and slipped off his shoes. He thought about getting something to eat or drink in the kitchen, but opted to just head upstairs. He didn't turn on any lights, walking slowly and feeling his way carefully. 

He didn't want to disturb Mitsuko.

When he got to the top of the stairs, he looked quizzically at the small table at the head of the stairs. Had that always been there? Some kind of flowers were displayed there. Mitsuko was redecorating? Well, it was her house to do with as she pleased. Flowers, though. Wasn't the hallway too dark for flowers? As he tried to examine the flowers in the dark, he realized that Hikaru's door was open. That was unusual enough that he peeked inside. Naturally, his son wasn't in bed. So. That meant. 

Hikaru... was with Akira-kun, wasn't he?

Did they... stay over at Akira-kun's house? Didn't he live at home? Then... did that mean that... Touya-san allowed that? He leaned in his son's doorjamb. It would be childish in so many ways to lay down silly rules and force them to go out to a hotel or something. They wouldn't have sat their respective parents down to a meeting unless they were already sure of themselves. 

Hikaru was having sex.

That was such a strange thought. Even the grammar of it... having sex, like it was a meal or something. And, why shouldn't Hikaru be sexually active? He was already 18, wasn't he? At that age, Masao was... well. He was in college. If Hikaru was a 'normal' boy, he'd be in college, too, and he wouldn't really feel the need to introduce his parents to his lover, would he? Would that be better? 

Not knowing?

He stepped inside of his son's room, and quietly closed the door behind him. He switched on the light, and just looked around. How in the world had Hikaru even gotten into go? It had been _years_ now, hadn't it? And this was his son's life. Looking around... there wasn't much to give away anything about Hikaru. No photographs or anything like that. There was a goban, tucked next to a shelf full of manga. That was it.

His son had already been a professional in his chosen field for a while now, though, so this was the room of a working adult. Suddenly, Masao had the feeling that his son was getting away from him. That wasn't true, though, was it? He barely knew Hikaru at all.

He'd already lost his son.

Sighing, he turned the light out and left. He shouldn't invade Hikaru's space, anyway, but. He stopped outside of Mitsuko's bedroom. She'd been all alone tonight, huh? What did she do on nights like that, then? Though, what did she do with herself when Hikaru was around, anyway? _He_ was never around. That was his choice. It had always felt _necessary_. Was Mitsuko lonely?

Thinking about that would just make him feel guiltier. 

He went to his office. He closed the door to his office, and rubbed his face with his hand. He needed to take a shower, but he was afraid that it would disturb Mitsuko. He'd settle for just washing up, then, and shower in the morning. He sat down in his chair, and just leaned back, closing his eyes.

Too many thoughts circled in his brain. He was tired, but anxious. Was anxious even the right word? He thought about Hikaru and Akira-kun. Mitsuko, home alone. Him... in the office...

What the hell was the matter with him? He was never a good husband and it had been too long since he'd been a decent father, but he wasn't usually _this_ messed up. To make matters worse, Hikaru was already an adult. He was acting like a temperamental teenager, but his son was settling down. 

He just felt empty.

* * *

  



	2. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


February

* * *

  
He put his cell phone in the pocket of his robe, and tightened the towel around his waist. Mitsuko had sounded surprised that he'd called. It was true, he didn't always call when he was on a business trip, most especially when it was essentially an overnighter. He didn't even always come home from work, so...

He'd just been thinking too damned much. He needed to stop doing that somehow.

Stepping out into the open air bath, Masao had an urge to turn around and leave, but, naturally, it was too late. He was in Kyoto to meet with people from another department in Fujitsu and with people they were working with on a joint project. Staying in a classy onsen was supposed to be a perk, but they'd stayed in meetings through dinner and until late, and now the bath was full of the _same_ people.

They were going to have breakfast together, too. This was all a bit much.

He smiled brightly, though, as he got into the water. It was part of business, after all. Charm was more important than a degree, really. "Nice to be able to relax after work, isn't it?"

Sugano-san grinned at him wolfishly. Masao did not like this man. Technically, Masao outranked him in the company, but Sugano-san was out in Kyoto, running his own department without having too many people to look over his shoulder. He acted like a damned king holding court. "I would have thought that you'd be _relaxing_ in your room. That cute waitress was flirting with you all through dinner! I was so jealous!"

Masao smiled, trying not to look at the other men. Of course, they laughed, most probably because they felt like they had no choice. "Oh, was she? I didn't notice. I'm sure she became much more interested in you once you opened your wallet, though." That waitress wasn't even eighteen. Younger than Hikaru. This bloated whale would really try something with someone like her, wouldn't he?

"Look at you!" Sugano-san laughed. "You must work out. Doesn't he look like he must have a young lover? No one would believe we were the same age!"

Masao worked hard at not making a face. He should have gotten himself a room with a private bath. "That's just your hard living showing," he sighed.

He was better than most at maintaining work relationships. He rarely accumulated enemies, and strove to push others forward ahead of himself, ensuring that they would feel grateful to him and hopefully not stab him in the back. It was like learning to survive in a jungle. You had to be able to identify the predators, and work out a strategy to develop a symbiotic relationship. All that was fine, but.

Masao felt stressed. 

He didn't like to admit it, even to himself, but something had definitely... changed in him recently. He wasn't reacting to things the way he should. He was getting irritated so much easier at the little things. He just wasn't _coping_ well. He managed to tune out the great whale as best he could, keeping his reactions measured and normal. The man across the bath from him was from their partner company. He had beautiful, elegant fingers that Masao had noticed earlier. He also had a penchant for watching people. Masao met his gaze, but didn't respond. 

This was work. He had to remember. This was for work, it was about work, he had to work.

Somewhere in the back of his head, he kept track of time. A few of their party got out of the bath, but as he was the last to enter, he couldn't leave too quickly. He waited what he guessed was about five minutes, though. That was plenty long enough. By tuning out Sugano-san's crude jokes, he was able to just slip out and make his farewells without much fuss. The man across from him... and damn, Masao should remember his name... Shimoda? Shimada? Shibata? He got out, too. They both redressed in their robes while exchanging only necessary pleasantries. Masao kept his gaze away from the man's hands. In the elevator to the rooms, the man said something, cluing Masao in that he was just as tired of Sugano-san, but Masao said something nondescript in reply. It wouldn't do to bad-mouth someone from his own company. That could backfire far too easily. The other man got off at the third floor, and Masao continued on to the fifth.

Finally. He could be alone.

"Shindou-san."

Masao's heart sank to his slippered feet. "Kinjou-kun, I thought you retired for the evening," he sighed. The younger man brightened, though. Just from being acknowledged?

He didn't have to think about it much to know that it had been a huge mistake to bring the young man with him on this trip. He needed to bring someone, though, and Kinjou-kun was the only qualified person who wasn't too busy to spare a day. Masao would have preferred to bring Arakawa-san, truly, but he wasn't about to expose _her_ to Sugano-san's behavior. 

Kinjou-kun sidled up against the wall next to the door of Masao's room. "Well, I got _ready_ for bed," he said suggestively.

"Then please, don't stand on ceremony," Masao replied crankily. He opened his door...

And was unsurprised that Kinjou-kun slipped right inside.

He couldn't cause a fuss in the hallway, so he followed Kinjou-kun in, but he was already preparing to shove him right back out again. Clearly, the young man had the wrong idea. About a lot of things. "I'm sorry, but I..."

Kinjou-kun opened his robe and let it drop to the floor. He looked over his bare shoulder seductively at Masao. It wasn't that he was overestimating himself. Kinjou-kun's bare back was quite appealing. 

This just wasn't what Masao wanted.

"Shindou-san... let me share your bed tonight."

Masao sighed, and looked at the floor. "Kinjou-kun... this is so inappropriate. We... You should go back... to your room... this..."

If Kinjou-kun was listening, then he just didn't want to hear what Masao was saying. Masao couldn't blame him, though. He wasn't behaving like a man who wasn't willing to be seduced. He had to be clearer, firmer. 

Kinjou-kun stepped inside the room, and over to the futon that had been prepared. "Your room is bigger than mine." Kinjou-kun's gaze settled at Masao's crotch. "This is a nice onsen, though. When we were first driving up, I thought it might be one of those... you know, _modern_ places that are really just hotels. But it's nice." Kinjou-kun settled himself down on Masao's futon, and leaned back on his hands, displaying his body.

It _was_ a nice body, and the young man ought to go and find someone who would appreciate it like it ought to be, but Masao couldn't be that person. He knelt down at the head of the futon, and looked Kinjou-kun in the eye. "You need to put your robe back on, and go back to your room. This is not a good idea."

That wasn't the least convincing thing Masao could have said, but since Kinjou-kun reached out to pull on the belt of Masao's robe, it certainly wasn't the most convincing, either. "I understand... you must feel guilty, Shindou-san. So it's all right." He flicked back the belt ends, and opened Masao's robe. Masao's body was still warm and moist from the bath. Kinjou-kun's eyes widened with approval. "I don't mind it if you don't want to take responsibility. I don't mind if you want me to do all the work." Kinjou-kun smiled coquettishly, and showed Masao the tube of lube he had concealed in the palm of his hand. 

Masao started to shake his head, but then he was on his back. Kinjou-kun had one hand on Masao's dick, and his mouth on Masao's neck. Masao put his hands on the young man's shoulders, knowing. _This couldn't continue._

Masao moaned softly, and closed his eyes.

Kinjou-kun chuckled softly, his tongue laving Masao's nipple. "You work so hard... at appearing so calm and collected. This can be all my fault, Shindou-san. But, for tonight. For right now.

"It's ok to give in."

Kinjou-kun straddled Masao's hips, and then he reached back. Kinjou-kun's dick bobbed in the air as he stretched himself out. It was a pretty fucking erotic sight going on right on top of him. Kinjou-kun leaned down to nibble at Masao's nipples a bit more while he stroked Masao's dick until it was slick, too. 

This was insane.

Kinjou-kun positioned himself, and then started to lower himself down on Masao's cock. Masao reached up to grab Kinjou-kun's hips, digging his fingers into Kinjou-kun's flesh. _Yes_ , Masao was hard, desperately hard, and _yes_ , he knew this was going to happen. He sure as fuck wasn't going to throw the young man off of him now. But Kinjou-kun was moving torturously slowly. His ass bobbed down by millimeters as Kinjou-kun moaned, making Masao even more desperate, even more needy.

Fuck all of this.

Masao surged forward, pushing Kinjou-kun down. The young man cried out as Masao pushed in, all the way, entirely in. He looked Kinjou-kun in the eye as he settled for just a moment. 

He wasn't just sitting in his chair, letting his subordinate get between his legs. He wasn't just lying there, letting it happen. He was going to do this.

He held Kinjou-kun's hand in place as he thrust, again and again, plundering Kinjou-kun's body. He put his free hand down on the young man's mouth as he started to get louder and louder. Masao was only getting started, after all. He let go of Kinjou-kun's hand so he could stroke the man's cock as he pushed in deeper, harder, faster. It was tight, and hot, and Kinjou-kun was spreading out for him, staring up at him, sucking on Masao's fingers...

Kinjou-kun came before him, and as he thrust into that hard, tightening clench, he groaned and swore. He had moved positions, so for his last several thrusts, they were so close together, he could feel Kinjou-kun breathing on his skin. He came, and he saw stars for a moment. Kinjou-kun kept saying his name, over and over. Kinjou-kun's hands were all over his body. He rolled next to him, feeling languid, relaxed. Kinjou-kun touched his face, hair, looked into his eyes, pleading, " _Shindou-san_ ," and Masao wasn't thinking.

He kissed the younger man, his tongue taking Kinjou-kun's mouth just as deeply as he'd just taken his body.

* * *

  
It was a little after seven when he got home, just before the rain. He'd have to take an umbrella when he went out again. He remembered to call out, "I'm home," only after he'd hung up his coat and slipped out of his shoes. Mitsuko came out of the kitchen in a hurry, looking upset.

"Masao! You scared me!"

He smiled sheepishly. "It's a sad state of affairs when my coming home before dawn scares you so much," he tried to tease. 

She swatted at his arm halfheartedly. "Oh, stop. I just wasn't expecting you. I... I haven't even planned anything for dinner," she fretted, looking back at the kitchen. She looked... guilty?

That just made him feel guiltier. "It's... I'm meeting Natsuo for drinks tonight. It's... that night," he explained quietly, his hand reaching out partially toward his wife. He didn't touch her, though.

"Oh!" she gave him a funny look. "Of course. Kitano-san. How nice." She was smiling a bit, but she was watching him carefully. It made him feel like he was under a microscope. 

"I'm sorry," he said, a knee-jerk response. What was he apologizing for, besides...? "Ah... you haven't... you haven't eaten, should we... order something, or...?" He'd promised to meet Natsuo at the bar at eight thirty, so he didn't really have time, but he didn't like to think of Mitsuko skipping meals, home alone. "Hikaru is...?" He looked toward the upstairs. Not like he could see through the ceiling.

"Oh, he's out... some sort of... study class? Or group? Or... maybe just out with friends," she laughed. "But I think he'll be home tonight. There are matches tomorrow."

He smiled back at her. "Of course... you know his schedule..." he trailed off. He wasn't really a part of this family anymore, was he? And, it had all been his own decision. To avoid the things he didn't want, he gave up everything. Right?

She reached out and squeezed his arm. He didn't even flinch. "You came home to change your clothes, right? You have to look good for your... drinking buddy?" She winked at him, smiling.

He felt so damned guilty. "No, I just... You're teasing me again," he laughed, shaking his head. "I'm not as vain as you think I am!" he complained. Though, he didn't have much ground with her. "Fine, fine, I'm going to change now," he sighed.

At least he made her laugh.

He hung up his suit and found some nice jeans. He hardly ever wore these. He was pretty sure he looked like an old man trying too hard in them, but it was fine. It wasn't like he was going out to pick up someone.

Why would he even think of that?

He went to the bathroom to wash up. He checked to make sure he didn't need a shave, and brushed his teeth. There was a small vase with daisies on the toilet. He looked at them for a little bit, puzzled.

Mitsuko... had come to really like flowers lately, hadn't she? Even in the bathroom?

It was a woman's house. That was fine.

He finished up and went back downstairs. Mitsuko came back out of the kitchen, and smiled at him, looking him over. She refrained from mocking him, though. "Ok, I'm off. Are you... are you all right for dinner?" He looked over into the kitchen.

"Oh!" she blushed. "Yes, don't worry. I have... friends... Anyway, don't forget an umbrella," she nagged.

"I got it, I got it," he grinned, slipping on his shoes. "Thank you."

She was standing right near him, looking him over... worried. "You're not...," she blurted out, and then she looked away. "I mean... you'll be home tonight. Right?"

He blinked. Damn it... he knew exactly what she was thinking... so he pretended he didn't, and grinned. "Of course I will. Just drinks. Like. Always." He hesitated a moment, and then he reached out, and kissed her cheek. Just a quick touch. "I'll probably be home before the last train. Maybe even before our son."

She smiled at him, looking a bit more relieved than she should have. "All right, dear. Have a good time. Say hello to Kitano-san for me."

"I will," he nodded to her, and then he took off.

He was about fifteen minutes late to their meeting, so Natsuo was already inside at a table, with food spread out. Unsurprisingly, Natsuo had ordered everything Masao would have wanted. Smiling, Masao slipped into the booth opposite Natsuo. "Sorry I'm late. This looks good."

"Good to see you, too, Masao," Natsuo grinned. Looking Masao over.

He was being overly sensitive. Still... it was good to see Natsuo, too. Suddenly, Masao had a tactile memory from back in college. Damn, he didn't need to be thinking about things like this. If he'd just been firmer with Kinjou-kun... or, less firm, as the case may be. "So... er, how's the family?" he asked, picking up his beer. He never drank too much during these meetings, which they'd been having regularly since they graduated. That was safer, perhaps, but he felt more tempted now than normal.

There was no normal anymore.

"Family is fine," Natsuo shrugged. "Do you really want me to go through the details?" He gave Masao a piercing look.

Masao couldn't meet that gaze. He didn't want to be strange now. After all, Natsuo knew him, very well. "Sorry. I seem to be off my game lately."

"Has something happened?"

Masao could feel Natsuo watching him. Of course he could. He took a bite of something. He didn't really taste it. He was thinking about when they were in college. That was over twenty damned years ago, so why was he thinking about it _now_ , like it was yesterday? Mitsuko... knew, didn't she? That was why she was worried he wouldn't go home tonight. And Natsuo knew he was being weird. They'd lived together, after all. For three years, they shared an apartment, a bed, a bath, a kitchen. He drank more, finishing his glass.

"Something's definitely going on with you," Natsuo casually stated. "I can remember the last time you drank like that."

So could Masao. That was the night after the day his wedding plans had been finalized. And that night... "No," Masao denied. He looked Natsuo in the eye, and smiled. Natsuo still had a strong, prominent brow, though his hair had receded slightly, and it was grey at the temples. If Masao had gone grey so young, he would have dyed his hair black. "No, I... it's just work stuff." He could see Kinjou-kun, spreading himself out while straddling Masao. He had to be going through some sort of mid-life crisis. Why did he have to start thinking about this stuff now? "Underlings..." Masao shrugged.

Natsuo laughed a bit. "You're starting to sound like an old middle manager. If you let your job get to you like that, you'll get wrinkles. If you lose your good looks, there won't be anything worthwhile about you anymore," he teased.

Now, that was funny. Really funny. Laughing out loud, Masao felt a tiny bit of pressure easing off his shoulders. He looked Natsuo in the eye. "My good looks, huh? I'm too old for that sort of thing anymore." He shook his head, still grinning. Wrinkles. Masao probably had some. "You know... my son. He's in love."

"Oh, good for him. You've met the girl? Kids Hikaru's age... they don't necessarily bring 'em home to the parents anymore." Natsuo gave him a significant look and wiggled his eyebrows. 

Masao smirked. "I've met the _young man_ , yes. He's a bit serious. They argue like an old married couple. It's sickeningly cute."

Natsuo froze. "Wait... you... he...? Damn. That's a kick in the pants, huh?"

Masao took some more food. He was tasting it now. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Well, good for Hikaru. He's... sure a lucky little brat," Natsuo said, unable to repress the bitterness.

Masao knew he'd understand, even without talking about it. It made it better and then not. "Yeah. Though... that makes me glad."

"That makes you _other things_ , too, right?" Natsuo asked.

Masao looked up at him, startled, and then looked away. He was imaging strange things. He was sick of the way his mind was working now. Natsuo... they used to be, well, teenagers together. Animals together. But that was all in the past. It was such a long time ago. "No. I mean. Obviously, but. Mostly, I'm amazed. My son is... spending the night with his boyfriend," Masao sighed, rolling his eyes. "That's definitely more aging than wrinkles."

"I'm glad Chizu-chan is a few years younger. I don't quite have to deal with that, yet," Natsuo grinned.

"You know, sixteen isn't..." Masao started.

" _Don't_ finish that sentence," Natsuo shook his head.

Masao grinned, and dipped his head down.

He wanted things to be normal again.

* * *

  



	3. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


March

* * *

  
He was starting to feel like the world's biggest idiot.

Taking a sip of his drink, Masao scanned the crowd once again. He'd worked until everyone else in the office was gone and it was past nine, called Mitsuko and told her not to wait up for him, left his tie in his desk, and, for the third night in a row now, he'd come to a gay bar, to nurse a drink and wonder what the hell he was doing. He knew one thing - he didn't want to keep making the same mistake over and over again. If he had to admit that _maybe_ , just possibly, Hikaru's 'coming out' had sparked something in him, at least he could keep his ridiculous behavior _out_ of the office. He'd have to make things clear with Kinjou-kun, but he could manage that easily enough.

But entering the 'gay scene' at his age...? Masao sighed heavily, and took another drink.

The first night, he'd ascertained that he wasn't just _stupidly horny_. He'd seen plenty of men that he was sure he'd have no problem getting it up for, but none that compelled him to overcome his uneasiness to approach. If he wasn't just looking to get laid, though, then... why did Hikaru's relationship _affect_ him? He was happy that he wasn't _jealous_ that his son was having sex with another guy (and he sure as hell didn't want to devote _any_ brain power to the idea of his son having sex _at all_ ), but he was feeling more and more that he _was_ jealous of _something_.

The acceptance Hikaru got? That was possible. But, it was useless to be jealous of that, since it was something Masao couldn't hope to ever have. 

The other possibility was... because Hikaru... was in _love_...

He _really_ didn't want to think that he was so petty and childish that he'd be jealous of the fact that his son was in love. Even if he _was_ , which he refused to admit, it wasn't as if Masao could hope to find love in a bar, so.

What the hell was he doing?

"You look lost."

Startled out of his reverie, Masao looked at the person who had spoken. He smiled nervously. "Well... That's a pretty good description of my life, I guess. It's that obvious, huh?" 

The other man smiled slightly, looking equally nervous. Ah, that was good. He was younger than Masao, but enough older than most of the clientele that Masao didn't feel like it was some sort of trick. He had dyed his hair dirty blond, and he had three earrings in one ear. His face was average-to-decent, he had some scruffy hair on his chin, he wore John Lennon-style glasses, his body was all right, he was about a centimeter or two shorter than Masao, and his clothes were pretty casual. He'd put one hand on the bar, so Masao was able to get a good look.

Masao's heart started to thump in his chest, and he felt an unfamiliar tingle spread through his body.

The other man had gorgeous hands. Long, tapered fingers with well-groomed fingernails, kept short... no obvious hair or wrinkles or knobby knuckles... he did have a callus on his index finger, and some smudges and dust from ink or possibly pencil lead... These were definitely the hands of an artist.

"I doubt you're the only one here who's lost," the man congenially suggested, still smiling. Masao had to practically bite his lip to keep from touching the man's hand. "People only come to this sort of place... looking for something, mm?"

Masao grinned a bit. Flirting, he could handle. He still wanted to be touched by this man, though. "Oh? What are you looking for? If... you don't mind my asking?" he shifted his body so he was leaning toward the other man more distinctly. He glanced down at the hand on the bar again.

"Me?" the man laughed, but he was aware of Masao's body. Masao could tell. He edged a bit closer to Masao, too. "I didn't really have anything specific in mind. I guess I must have been looking for a lonely, older man, though, seeing how things have worked out."

Masao had to laugh at that. "Lonely... _older_ , huh?" He brushed his hair back, slowly. Well, that was fine. It wasn't like it wasn't true. "You must be quite perceptive, then. To detect that so easily."

"The lonely part or the older part?" he was teased. The man was watching his hand, though. And the hand on the bar was coming temptingly closer.

"Oh, I'm... not under any illusions that the _older_ isn't quite obvious," Masao assured him.

"That is a very nice suit," the man noted. His eyes raked over Masao's suit, every inch of it.

Masao could work with that. "Oh, this?" He opened his jacket a bit, displaying his waistcoat... and his body... as if he were doing so casually. "Nah, this is just a sign of my... loneliness. That I end up coming to a place like this straight from work." He slid his hand closer to the man's beautiful hand on the bar. Was it... too soon to try to touch him? Masao was hopelessly out of the loop.

"A salaryman," the man laughed a bit, nodding. Well, of course. That was obvious. Just like it was obvious that the man wanted to touch Masao's suit. He was welcome to, of course... "Probably a manager, at least, right? A diligent worker... and... 

"You're married, right?"

Masao felt coldness wash through him. The man's tone changed slightly when he asked that. And... oh, right. Masao... wore his wedding ring. 

Damn.

"Well..." he half covered his face with his hand. Damn it, damn it, damn it... "I feel pretty foolish. That's problematic, isn't it?"

He still wanted to touch, be touched... He started to feel a little desperate.

The other man looked away, but it seemed like he was trying to hide his disappointment. "I... would bet that at least half the men here are married. Especially, you know, the _older_ ones. But... for me... it's a problem, yeah. I don't get involved with married men..."

Masao's heart was pounding. It was a problem... but the other man hadn't moved away. He hadn't pulled his hand back, or taken a more defensive posture. 

It was a problem. For both of them, but. 

Masao reached out and caressed the other man's hand. Ah...! The skin was smooth, and just touching it was exciting. Masao... should know better than to even _think_ about wanting something. However...

It was impossible not to _want_ when something you desperately craved and never got to have was presented to you.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to cause problems." He continued to caress the man's hand, and even leaned a bit closer. He could smell the man. He wanted...

"Nobody... ever _wants_ to cause problems..." the man said, looking torn. His nostrils flared, though, as Masao's fingers slipped around his wrist to move up his palm. The man's lips tightened into a firm line, and then he looked Masao in the eye.

He reached out and took a fistful of the collar of Masao's waistcoat, and then he kissed Masao. Immediately, Masao moved closer, deepening the kiss. He felt a little self-conscious, for a host of reasons. He slipped his fingers between the fingers of the man, and held his hand tightly. 

He would take whatever this man would offer him, and it would... have to be enough. If it was a problem that Masao was married, that meant this man wasn't just looking for a quickie or a one night stand. Masao wasn't either, though he had no idea what he _was_ looking for, anyway.

One spectacular kiss, which ended with their bodies painfully close together, and the man's hand on Masao's hip, caressing, was more than he had hoped for, but Masao was still looking. Wanting.

"You know this is a mistake, right?" he said, almost like he was talking to himself.

"I make a lot of mistakes," Masao admitted, reaching out tentatively to touch the other man's hip. _That_ contact, and the subsequent position of their bodies, elevated his heart rate even more. And.

Damn, he was reacting, wasn't he?

"I guess you're not _that_ old, huh?" the man murmured, looking down the line of their bodies. Masao turned red. "Unless you've taken something...?"

"I'm _not_ that old!" Masao objected, though he had to laugh. It was just too damned embarrassing.

They were kissing again, and this time, their bodies pressed right against each other. The man caressed his hip, and then his ass. Masao could definitely feel it, an uncomfortable, exciting heat, spreading out from his lower body. It was a shameful and beautiful reaction.

He hadn't felt this way... in two decades.

Their kiss broke off, and the other man rubbed his chin against Masao's, letting Masao feel the hair there. This was all going to end up being bad for his heart...

"Mm. I don't... get involved with married men... not... Hm. But, well. I guess it would be ok if it was just sex."

Masao's eyes widened. It was like he was drowning, and he was thrown a lifeline. Or, maybe, like something had grabbed his ankle and pulled him under. They kissed again, Masao pressing his hand to the other's man's back, enough so he could feel that he wasn't the only one reacting.

Want was devouring him.

"Th-that's... sure. Then. Ah. Y-your place?" He'd never really done this before. Meeting someone somewhere, getting so excited by it, going someplace to... have sex... 

He felt like a goddamned teenager.

The other man looked conflicted. Oh, maybe he expected...? "Well, I've never really liked love hotels." He looked away, hiding his expression. He looked back and Masao shyly. He seemed about to say something, but then he thought better of it.

Masao couldn't offer his own place, and that was better left unsaid.

They left the bar together. 

Out on the street, he was able to keep the man's hand firmly in his own. It was gratifying that the man was holding on, too. The street was a bit noisy, and they simply headed straight to the station. Masao's deeply ingrained sense of personal shame took over, and he let go of the man's hand as they waited for the train. Feeling awkward, he tried to think of something to talk about except _sex_ , which was pretty much all he could think about. 

Sex, and those hands.

"You don't do this very much."

Masao practically jumped out of his skin, which made the man laugh. He looked younger and more handsome when he was laughing. Masao thought about their kisses. He thought about touching him. "I guess... it's pretty obvious. I don't ever do this," Masao admitted.

The man gave him a bit of a funny look. "You're not going to tell me this is your first time, because I won't believe you."

Masao flushed. No, he really didn't want to be confused with a virgin at his age. "N-no, that's not what I meant. I meant... since I was married..."

"Ah, of course. You're a good husband, huh?" the man had a funny look on his face.

"No, I'm not," Masao shook his head emphatically. He really... shouldn't get into that... 

The man raised his eyebrow, but he didn't comment. Masao's throat went dry. He could still screw this up, right? Or maybe... it was getting harder to think of _this_ as a mistake. The train pulled in, and they found themselves in an empty car, near the back. 

Even if the car was empty, Masao knew that at the next station, there could be much less... open-minded people coming on, but he still couldn't keep from sitting rather close, and putting his arm on the back of the seat. The way the other man was looking at him, he might not be able to control himself if they remained alone.

"So how long have you been married?"

Masao's mind swum a bit. This was small talk, right? He could handle that, probably. "Oh... ah... it'll be twenty years... later this year."

That seemed to surprise the other man. "Tw-twenty years? You're not telling me that you've been celibate all that time? Impossible."

"Ah, that's... no, I mean..." Masao cleared his throat. "My wife and I... don't have that kind of relationship, really. My son is eighteen now." He didn't really think it was appropriate to talk about his relationship with Mitsuko with the man he intended to have sex with, but he also felt strange about leaving _him_ with the wrong impression.

"O-okay..." Masao was getting looked at strangely. "So what about _men_. Since... we've established that I'm not your first."

He had such an adorable little coy smile. Masao found himself leaning closer. "Oh... well, I had a roommate in college..."

"Is _that_ what they called it back in the day," he laughed.

Masao had to grin. "Well, basically, yeah."

"And so after college..." he was prodded.

"After college... I got married."

"Right away?" he asked, a bit taken aback.

"It was a cause of great concern to many interested parties," Masao nodded solemnly. "The campaign began my last year of college, and continued on until I was literally shoved into a room with a girl and had the door slammed behind me."

It _was_ funny, so Masao didn't blame him for laughing, but he just felt guilty, thinking back. Poor Mitsuko had no idea what she was getting herself into... 

"A forced omiai. How quaint," he grinned.

"I... knew I was never going to be a... good husband. In many ways. So I always thought I would... at least provide for her, and be faithful," Masao explained, feeling more nervous and embarrassed with each word.

And guiltier. That had been his code, for so long. And now... he was tossing it aside?

He wanted to be touched by this man, though...

"S-so... in twenty years... you never..." the man looked incredulous. It was a little hard to believe, huh?

"Well, _essentially_..." Masao hedged.

"There is no _essentially_ with this!" the man laughed. "It's yes/no."

Masao looked away, knowing he was blushing. "I've, uh, had a few slips. Recently. With. A coworker."

"Ooh, scandalous. And sexy!"

"No," Masao shook his head. "Dangerous, and stupid. And he's not even really my type."

"Oh, no?" the man raised his eyebrow, but his nostrils flared.

They were still alone. It was fine. He picked up the man's hand, and raised his index finger to his lips, kissing the ink marks gently. "Mm. I've always had a weakness for... artists."

The man gaped, and then flushed completely. "H-how did you...?"

Masao separated the man's index finger and showed him the black stains, and then he kissed the finger again. "It's pretty obvious. I used to be a calligrapher, before I sold my soul to the corporation, so."

The man was smiling, engaged... he moved closer to Masao. They both wanted to kiss.

The train pulled into the station, the doors opened, and someone got in. A group of three college-aged looking guys.

A distance appeared between them. Masao cleared his throat. He wasn't thinking clearly... but he didn't want to anymore. "What's your name?" he asked quietly.

The man laughed. They looked each other in the eye, both smiling. "It's... It's Yoshizawa. Yoshizawa Jun."

Masao even liked the sound of his name. He wanted to know how it was written. He wanted to know... a lot about Yoshizawa Jun. "Shindou Masao."

"Masao, ah?" Jun replied, smiling cheekily. "How old are you, exactly, Masao?"

"I'm forty-two," Masao admitted, hoping that wasn't a huge turn-off. It didn't seem to be, so... "And you are?"

"Ah... I'm thirty-seven. So you don't really get to brag that much," Jun teased him.

"And you don't get to make fun of my age so much!" Masao shot back. 

"It's a critical five year difference! We're on different sides of that decade marker there!" Jun returned easily. 

They arrived at their station.

Masao trailed after Jun, who was walking fast. The sooner they got to his place, the better. Every step just made Masao more nervous, made the situation more immediate. There was no way he was going to back out, but he felt like...

He should have had more to drink at the bar, maybe.

Jun's building was the type with walkways outside. His apartment was on the second floor. He fumbled with his keys a little bit as he opened the door. Masao's heart was just pounding. He'd probably die of heart failure here in this apartment. That would be horrible for Mitsuko, but.

Masao was kind of looking forward to it.

They got inside, the door was closed. They were taking off their shoes, but Masao moved closer to Jun, touched his face... They were kissing again, and this time, it was more heated, sloppier... 

Jun broke away and grinned, stepped up into his apartment proper. "Don't be in such a rush. At your age, this'll be over in ten minutes if I let _you_ set the pace."

"Shut up," Masao laughed. "You damned brat." 

Jun was still grinning as he helped Masao take off his jacket. "You want something to drink?" he asked, huskily.

Masao was floored. "Ah... I... I don't want... impose... ah, I mean..." he floundered.

Jun laughed, and kissed him again. "Relax, old man, relax!"

Masao shook his head, blushing. "I'll have whatever you're going to have, then."

"Ok. Two milk of magnesiums, coming up," Jun winked at him.

Masao didn't know what to do with himself. He watched Jun in the kitchen, and then he looked around nervously. The apartment was compact and efficiently laid out. The kitchen was just to the right, and the living room to the left. In the back, clearly, there was a bath and a bedroom, but they weren't visible from the front. There was a lot of wood, and tatami mats. The living room had just a console against the wall with a television and a lot of books, a small table covered in papers, and a couch.

Ah, that was...

He went over to the couch, and picked up some of the papers on the small table. "Ah, you're a mangaka." He looked over the page. It wasn't like he followed the story at all, just looking at a page at random, but he was still impressed. He'd never seen a page of original art from a manga before. He was surprised by how beautiful the lines were.

"H-hey! You're not supposed to look at that!" Jun complained from the kitchen.

"It's just sitting out!" Masao countered. He put that down, though. Under the table, there was an artist's sketchbook. He picked it up and started to flip through it. His whole body started to react. It had been so long since he'd been with a real artist, not just someone designing logos for a new product. This was good stuff, too. Even just random still life images were done well.

"Do you always just go into a person's house and start going through their stuff?" Jun asked, taking the sketchbook away from Masao. He replaced the book with a can of beer. He shoved the book under the couch, and picked up the can he'd set down next to the table and sat down next to Masao. 

They were sitting on the couch together. Jun's knee was touching his. "Well, yeah, actually. I don't usually get invited back to places," Masao confessed. He was thinking just a moment ago that he needed more alcohol in his blood, and yet he could barely taste the beer. 

"Are you sure that's just because of your snooping? Could be other reasons..." Jun teased him.

Masao liked being teased like this. "Oh, well, of course there's the matter of my terrible personality and all."

"I was thinking more like _bad technique_ or something, but maybe that's just because I've got sex on my brain," Jun smirked.

Sex on the... Masao tried to cover his embarrassment by taking a sip, but he nearly spilled his beer.

"You really are out of practice, old man," Jun laughed.

"Yeah, I am. I forget, which part goes where again?" he teased back.

"Don't worry, it's like riding a bike. So to speak," Jun assured him.

That put bike riding into a whole different light. It was incredible how easy it was to smile around Jun. "That could be problematic, then. I was never that good on a bike."

"Well, that doesn't bode well," Jun laughed. It was a good laugh. Masao reached out and touched Jun's chin, rubbing the short hairs there. Jun looked at him, his eyes still sparkling with mirth. He leaned in and Masao leaned in, and then they were kissing again.

Like high school kids. Except, Masao never kissed anyone in high school.

Jun's fingers pushed into Masao's hair, and Masao put his hand on Jun's thigh. Just being touched by those fingers... was enough to excite Masao. He grabbed Jun's waist, and tugged him closer. Jun was entirely on board with the plan, and scooted right into Masao's lap. Jun's hands moved down to Masao's neck, and he snatched one of those hands and kissed Jun's fingers, one by one.

"You really have a fetish, don't you?" Jun asked, a little short of breath, as he caressed the fabric of Masao's jacket.

Amused, Masao nibbled on the tip of Jun's index finger as he watched Jun continue to pet the cloth. "Mm. We seem quite compatible as far as fetishes go." Jun blushed, looking too adorable to ignore. He gently bit Jun's lower lip, and then pulled him closer.

Jun moved his hand down, rubbing Masao's crotch. "I think I should get you out of this fine suit before you make a mess of yourself," he teased huskily. He leaned in, enjoying Masao's weakness from pleasure. He nipped at Masao's earlobe. "So, old man? It's been a while for you. What do you want?"

There was only one thing in Masao's mind. He looked Jun in the eye. "In me. I want to feel you... in me..."

Grinning, Jun kissed him wolfishly, like he was thinking of devouring Masao right there. What a pleasant thought. Jun was standing up, though, and he definitely wanted Masao to stand up, too. This was... somewhat difficult... but...

Jun ran his hands over Masao's chest. "First thing is to get you out of this suit. Then I think you'll want to wash up. I'm thinking I can help you with that." Jun looked devilishly excited. He grabbed Masao by the lapels and led him back, toward the back of the apartment, toward the bathroom, toward the bedroom. Jun kept feeling Masao's suit, rubbing his chest, and when they got outside his bedroom, he started to unbutton Masao, but excruciatingly slowly. Masao watched those hands, feeling the blood pounding through his body.

"You know, if you throw my suit down and start fucking it, I'm going to be really jealous," he said in as conversational a tone as he could manage.

Jun looked at him and grinned. "It _is_ a very nice suit. I think I could get along with it very well."

Masao put his arms around Jun and pulled him close. "Get along with _me_ ," he suggested, underscoring his point by kissing Jun powerfully.

He was getting less and less clothed, which was good. He felt a bit embarrassed, because even though there wasn't much light back where they were, he still felt a bit self-conscious. He wasn't sure what sort of men Jun was used to, but he had the sense that Jun wasn't the type to sleep around normally, so he felt a certain degree of pressure.

This whole situation was completely out of control. He realized that before he began, and yet he was still eager to continue. Eager, maybe even desperate. He hadn't felt this way for so long that he didn't want to think about it because the last thing he wanted to think about at this exact moment was how old he was. 

He just wanted to _feel_.

Jun's beautiful fingers were letting his pants drop, and then were squeezing Masao's ass. He was now so hard he felt like he could drill some nails. He was wet, and Jun was moving down to take off his underwear and socks. He was going to be naked soon, and Jun was just about on his knees. Masao leaned back against the wall, and just tried to hold on.

The hot tongue that ran up his length nearly made him come.

Jun laughed softly. "You really are ready to burst. I guess you're as wound up as you say. Are you going to be able to hold out? Think you can come more than once?"

"Don't tease the elderly," Masao rejoined, though he was losing his breath. "Think you can _make_ me come more than once?"

"That sounds like a challenge," Jun grinned.

"Then, please," Masao instructed, but he was really just begging.

Jun, however, stood up. He took off his own shirt, just pulling it over his head, not bothering with the buttons. Unlike Masao's shirt, which got hung from a hanger on the door, he tossed his aside. He watched as Masao watched him pull down his pants and kick them away. Masao whimpered as Jun's beautiful fingers slipped into his underwear, and slowly, slowly, slowly pulled them down.

They were naked together in a hallway, and Masao couldn't think. 

That seemed to be fine, as Jun was more than able to think for the both of them. He took Masao by the hands and led him into the bathroom. He had Masao sit on the side of the tub while he started the water, and then he fished something out from under the sink. 

Tubing.

Jun grinned at him, and it was a beautiful thing, a wonderful expression that made Masao's heart do little leaps in his chest. "We _really_ have to clean you out. Since it's been a while and all. You're thinking about it, right? My fingers... on your body... moving inside of you..."

Masao couldn't take it, and he couldn't speak. But he could grab Jun and hold onto him, kiss him... Jun was getting hard, too, which was good. It would be shameful if he was doing all this with Jun naked and Jun wasn't reacting. Jun squeezed the base of Masao's cock, and Masao's mind simply stopped working.

He didn't need to think to follow Jun's instructions and get in the tub. He didn't need to think while Jun used bath oil to coax him to relax, or when Jun started to press the tube into him. When the hot water was rushing inside of him, it wasn't as if thinking would have made the experience any sharper, clearer, more exciting.

He knew that he came in the tub, and he knew that Jun was laughing, but he was too eager to be touching, feeling, needing, so he just latched onto Jun. He made it difficult for Jun while he dried off Masao's body, but Jun didn't mind, and then he was able to walk across the hall himself to join Jun in his futon. His body, having already spent most of its frustration, was able to calm down enough to take things slower.

He suckled Jun's fingers, explored his body, kissed beneath his navel, took Jun's long, slim cock into his mouth, kissed behind his knees, nipped at his ankles... and then Jun pushed him down and pushed at the insides of Masao's thighs. He couldn't keep track of the sequence after that. He watched Jun touching him, and his mind became heat. He grabbed at Jun's shoulders, but Jun was in control. 

Jun was in control, and it was good, _so damned good_. Masao could only whimper and beg as Jun pushing into him, moved into him, his slow, methodical thrust causing Masao to dig his fingertips into Jun's back. There was nothing but heat and Jun's control, and it made Masao feel wild.

He came first, unable to hold out even though it was his second time, but that just made it easier to clamp down on Jun, hold him in. Even Jun couldn't hold out much longer after that. Masao didn't want to let go, not of all that heat, that amazing, unbelievable _heat_. He wrapped his legs around Jun as best he could and kissed him as if they could swallow each other whole. 

He never wanted this to end.

"Right now, you don't seem so old, mm?" Jun whispered, nuzzling against Masao's neck. 

Masao grinned. He didn't _feel_ that old at the moment, either. "A testament to your considerable skill. Mm. I don't think... I've ever felt so good..." He closed his eyes, and wrapped his arms around Jun. He knew, in theory, they had to separate. Just... not yet. Since he'd only just gotten to hold onto this man... 

"How in the _world_ did a man like you end up getting married?" Jun laughed softly, though if Masao was thinking about things more clearly, he might have thought there was a bit of bitterness in Jun's question as well.

Masao smiled, and caressed Jun's back. "It would be awfully childish to say that I was forced into it. Even at school, when preparing for job interviews, we were always told... you know, to say that we were engaged or planning to get engaged quickly. Companies like to hire men who have dependents, after all. I... I let it happen, I suppose."

Stifling a chuckle, Jun flicked Masao's nipple absently. "Did your parents have some reason to be concerned or something?"

"Oh, well... I think they probably always had suspicions. But it's not like they ever caught me or I told them anything..." Masao ran his fingers through the hair at the back of Jun's neck.

Jun rubbed his chin against Masao's chest. "You don't seem like the kind of guy who would make his parents suspicious. Were you different as a child?"

"What do you mean by different?" Masao laughed. "I guess in a way I was different. Weren't you? I've never had any interest in girls, not even to _experiment_. That wasn't necessary for me. So naturally, I never had a girlfriend. In college, I shared an apartment with another guy. That shouldn't have been _too_ suspicious, though it was a fairly small place.

"Oh, they might have gotten _suspicious_ , as you say, when I was in third grade and declared that I wanted to be Daikawa-sensei's wife."

Jun's laughter made Masao smile brightly. 

"I was very serious at the time." Masao brushed Jun's hair back. "Daikawa-sensei... had long, beautiful fingers. I loved to watch him writing on the board."

"Oh, so _that's_ how it started! I suppose I owe your teacher some gratitude, then, huh? I can just picture you, sitting in class... watching your teacher, wanting him to maybe put his hand on your shoulder..." Jun teased him. When he smiled like that, he looked really handsome. 

"Hey, hey, I was just a kid! My love for sensei was pure! Completely pure!" Masao objected giddily.

Jun grinned, and poked Masao in the side. "There was nothing pure about it! You wanted to get with your teacher!"

Masao shook his head, laughing. "No, no, that's not it..."

"And you told your parents that! How'd they react?" 

Masao closed his eyes and sighed. "Well. I think my mother tried to explain to me... you know, how it wasn't possible. My father..." he trailed off.

"Mm, I get it," Jun replied quietly. 

Masao smiled, tightening his grip on Jun. "That wasn't the first time I disappointed him."

"Mm, you're disappointing him right now," Jun commented cheerfully. 

He had to laugh at that, because it was true. "What about you? Is this disappointing to your father, too?"

"Mm, well... rather than saying a _disappointment_... well, my father gave up on me a long time ago. My sister got married a few years ago, though, and her husband took our family name. I guess that means I'm off the hook, huh?" Jun winked at him.

Masao kissed him. He started to think about Hikaru... this was not the situation he wanted to be thinking about his son, but then... Hikaru had never once given thought to being a disappointment to them, had he? He was so confident when he introduced them to Akira-kun, just as if it were normal.

So, he could have been a worse father.

Jun pushed him down forcefully. "You're not thinking about me," he accused.

"Sorry, talking about fathers... is distracting," Masao confessed. 

"Mm, well... you want me to clean you up? Are you... I think you probably missed the last train..." Jun hedged.

"Do you mind if I stay the night?" he asked quietly.

Jun kissed him in reply.

It had been a long time since he'd slept so close to another person. The heat from Jun's body kept him awake for a long time, not to mention the strangeness of the room. It was a small apartment, but Masao felt at peace there. He did fall asleep, with his leg in between Jun's and Jun's head on his shoulder. When his cell's alarm went off in the morning, it took him a long time to realize that was a signal to wake up. Jun curled up tighter against his chest, and whimpered slightly. 

Without opening his eyes, he grumbled, "Are you really getting up now? What time is it?"

"It must be about five," Masao sighed. "That's when my alarm goes off. Sorry..."

" _Five_ , did you say?" Jun pouted a bit, blinking cutely to try to look at Masao. "That's inhuman."

"I agree. But. It's work," he smiled shyly. He took a chance, and kissed Jun softly. "You don't have to get up."

"Mm. I wanted to help you get dressed..." Jun sighed.

Masao laughed quietly. Suddenly, this seemed really difficult. Was he really supposed to just get up and leave? And...

Never see Jun again?

"Mind if I use your bathroom?" he asked awkwardly.

"Please do," Jun smiled. Even if he didn't do this much at all, he was still more familiar with this sort of thing than Masao. Nervously, Masao kissed Jun's forehead, and then slipped off to wash up. When he got out of the bathroom, Jun was sitting up. He'd put on some underwear, but he still looked very inviting.

"I'm sorry for waking you up so early," Masao apologized.

"It's all right. I can go back to sleep when you're gone," Jun grinned. "You're the one who has to go to work. I should apologize for keeping you up so late."

"Should?" Masao smiled. 

Jun half shrugged, and stood up. "Well. I didn't _force_ you or anything."

Masao laughed, and indulged Jun by letting him dress Masao as if he were a little boy. Of course, he got the pleasure of watching Jun's fingers fastening every button. He wanted to kiss those fingers again, taste them...

Jun... did not date married men. And that was smart of him. Masao respected him. So...

Their time was coming to end, right?

"Should I... make you breakfast, or...?" Jun wondered, rubbing his head. It was way too early, though, for him to eat. 

Masao smiled, and kissed Jun's cheek. "Nah, I don't usually eat much in the morning. Maybe I'll pick up an energy bar or something. It's fine."

"You really go into the office their early?" Jun frowned.

"Well, I do have to change my suit," he winked at Jun. "So definitely better to arrive before my subordinates."

"Ah, good point," Jun grinned. "Wouldn't want to start any weird rumors. You keep spare clothes at work?"

"It's not uncommon to have to work overnight or something like that."

"Being a salaryman sucks," Jun mused.

"That's just scratching the surface," Masao agreed.

They were at the genkan. Masao slipped his shoes on, taking more time than he needed. His heart was throbbing painfully. He was just going to... leave? 

Just like that?

"Work hard," Jun sounded more tense than his cheerful smile belied.

"Thanks," Masao replied, and then he blushed. Wait, that sounded wrong, didn't it? Although... he _was_ grateful... so he couldn't be selfish...

"You know..." Jun blurted out. "I... I don't date married men."

"I know," Masao nodded.

"But...! Well, I guess..." Jun wrapped his arms around himself, and looked off to the side. "I guess if it was just sex, it would be ok."

Masao blinked. And then he smiled, but he didn't want to seem _too_ hopeful. "Oh... oh, that would be... I wouldn't mind that."

Jun laughed at him. "Wouldn't mind, huh? All right then... ah, let me get my phone." He grabbed his cell off the counter, and came back. Masao got his out, too, and then they traded contact info.

He looked at Jun's contact on his phone, forgetting that Jun could see him until he looked up to see Jun smirking at him. Masao flushed, and put his phone away.

"Then... contact me sometime," he said, trying to sound more casual than he felt.

"I might," Jun replied cheerfully, and then he gave Masao a goodbye kiss.

Sitting on the train on the way to work, he just stared at Jun's contact info.

He was... going to see Jun again.

* * *

  
He was whistling. He was putting on his tie, and whistling. He got embarrassed when he caught his own eye, because he felt more foolish than he could possibly admit, but he couldn't stop himself, either.

It was as if twenty years had disappeared from his life.

He straightened out his sleeves and made sure his cuffs were straight and laying flat. He gave himself a once-over in the mirror. His hair was just at the right length to look really good. In another week or so, he'd need to get it trimmed, but right now, it was perfect. His tie was vibrantly purple, his shirt was the palest shade of lilac, and his black suit was impeccably pressed.

It was a pity that Jun couldn't see him like this.

He shook his head, trying to shake out the stupidity. He went downstairs, forcing himself not to whistle as he did so. The moment that he stepped into the kitchen, shame washed over him completely. 

While he'd been admiring himself and thinking about another man, his wife had been down here, preparing a perfect Japanese breakfast for him.

"Morning, dear. Oh, you look nice today. Do you have a meeting?"

Whiplashed, Masao struggled to regain his voice. "Oh... ah... yeah. The usual sort of thing," he fumbled. He reached out to kiss her cheek, but she moved at the wrong moment, and his hand ended up on her bottom instead of her side and his lips ended up on her ear. 

She jumped back and blushed, laughing. Neither one of them could meet the other's eyes. "You... ah, you'd better eat, you don't want to be late."

"Th-thank you, dear," he sat down heavily, digging into his rice quickly to occupy his mouth.

Ridiculous, embarrassing... shameful.

Even now, as Mitsuko did the dishes, he was thinking about Jun's fingers.

He finished his meal quickly, gathered his dishes, and brought them to his wife. She was humming as she finished up rinsing off the bowl in her hands. She practically jumped when he set down his plates. "Oh, you scared me! You didn't have to...!"

"No, no, why not?" he smiled, feeling a fresh wave of guilt pass over him. He usually let her wait on him, didn't he? Awkwardly, he patted her shoulder. "W-well, I'm off."

"Have a good day, dear. Oh, will you be home for dinner?" Her smile seemed a bit strained.

Despite everything, his first thought was to hope that he would be otherwise occupied. "Oh, um, I'm not sure, I don't know how the day will go. Don't wait for me."

It might have been his imagination, but she seemed a bit relieved. "Well, don't overdo it. Work hard!"

"Have a good day," he replied. 

He took a deep breath when he left the kitchen. As he put on his shoes, he noticed that there will tiger lilies on the shelf in the genkan.

* * *

  



	4. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


April

* * *

  
He turned his ring around his finger. 

"So, as you can see, well... there's really no way around it," Kimura hedged.

Masao had been listening to the man sputter and spew excuses for nearly fifteen minutes. If he didn't shut his mouth immediately, Masao would be sorely tempted to fire his lazy ass, no matter what inconsequential advantages he might have going for him. Masao's phone hummed softly, and despite himself, and the situation, Masao smiled.

Since lunch, he'd been trading texts with Jun. They hadn't had a chance to meet up since that time, but they'd talked on the phone twice, and now they had a small habit of sending texts. Jun's deadline was yesterday, so he seemed to be in good spirits today. If Masao could clear up this mess with Kimura, he could rush over to Jun's and spend the night.

_By the way, what kind of underwear do you wear? I didn't notice the last time. （=｀〜´=）_

Jun tended to use quite a few emoticons in his texts, and Masao had no idea how to interpret half of them, but he found them endearingly cute for some reason. 

"Ahh... so... sir, I don't want to mess anything up further, so, I'll just..." Kimura was backing toward the door.

Masao leveled an icy glare at him. "Don't even think about leaving this office until this matter is entirely settled." He picked up his phone to reply. " _I'll_ call our affiliates to make the apologies. _You_ get out there and start recovering the files needed. Enlist... ah, get Kinjou-kun to help you, and... whatever secretaries are available."

"Kinjou? Really? That kid? He's so..." Kimura started, looking absolutely disgusted.

Masao narrowed his eyes. "I don't really feel you're in _any_ position to be judgmental of your coworkers, are you, Kimura?"

"Ah..." Kimura looked away. "Mm. I'll get to work, thanks, boss."

Masao rolled his eyes. He had to make several calls... Damned bastard, if only he had brought this matter up sooner... before he dealt with that, though, he replied to Jun.

_To be honest, I don't always wear underwear. Or maybe that's a huge lie..._

He picked up his phone quickly and dialed up the first person who would most be affected by Kimura's incompetence. He'd just gotten to the part of the apology where the other party started to yell at him when his phone hummed again. He really... shouldn't read that before... but he had to let the other party blow off some steam, since it was their fault the material would be late by a day, and that left the production end crunched for time to meet the product launch deadline. 

_Are you wearing underwear right now??? (=ｘェｘ=)_

His worked hard to keep his lips from twisting into a smile, even though the person on the other line couldn't see. They took a breath, so Masao launched into the second half of his apology, which included a promise that the specs they needed would absolutely be ready before the next morning. He'd spend the next few minutes just repeating _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ , so he moved his phone over to reply.

If he was as good at this as the secretaries, he wouldn't need to use two hands, so he just hoped the receiver didn't fall while he was typing.

_It's been a while since I've been able to leave my desk, so I don't remember. Are you interested?_

Finally, the other manager was sufficiently assured of his guilt, so he was able to hang up and make the next call. It was another hour before he could get off the phone, and in that time, he traded ten more texts with Jun, getting very close to being, well, _outright sexual_ at the end. Was that what the news people meant by _sexting?_ Masao was really too old for that sort of thing. It _was_ exciting, but he didn't want to be typing on a phone.

He wanted to see Jun.

He took off his suit coat and left it over his desk chair, and went out to join his team. Kimura was leaning back and staring at the ceiling tiles while Kinjou-kun and three secretaries were furiously tearing through files and working on their computers. Masao shook his head and bounced Kimura's chair straight up as he passed by. "Sugahara, Eida, are you free?"

Neither looked particularly _pleased_ , but then, why should they? 

"Just give me a few, boss, as soon as I finish this report."

"Yeah, I can help."

"I've assured our production affiliates that we'll have the spec to them by morning," Kimura let out a cry of shock, "so we don't have a lot of time."

"We're going over to the design department to get copies of the original prints," Ozaki informed him, pulling along another secretary.

"Be careful," Masao nodded. He unbuttoned his cuffs, rolling up his sleeves.

"B-boss, I don't think we can really get it done before morning, I mean... I'd been working on this project for a few weeks..." Kimura began.

Masao was really going to lose it. "Yes, and you have _so much_ to show for it. Even before you _lost_ your documentation. Never mind, if we all press together, we can finish this. Right?" He stared at Kimura.

"Of course we can, boss!" Kinjou-kun cheerfully piped up.

Even Masao had the urge to roll his eyes, but he didn't appreciate Kimura giving in and actually doing it. "Regardless, let's just get to work." He pulled up a chair and sat near Kimura, causing the man to jump to attention. It was about time, but it wasn't like Masao could sit next to his problem child every day to force him to do his work. He fielded a few other calls, which Arakawa-san had forwarded to that desk. Ozaki and the other secretary came back quickly, and when Nishida came back from a late meeting, he pitched in, too.

At nine o'clock, Masao ordered food for everyone, at nine thirty he called Mitsuko to let her know that he wouldn't be home. He let Sugahara and the secretaries leave at ten thirty, making sure Sugahara walked them to the station. 

He wasn't able to return any more texts from Jun, but at eleven thirty, when the end was in sight, he sent a simple message. 

_Can I stay at your place tonight?_

The positive reply was almost instantaneous. 

It was just after midnight when they were able to finish up. They still had to pack up, but... "I can finish this up. I'll deliver this in the morning myself. You all should hurry. The last train will be leaving soon. Does anyone need a ride home?" It was lucky that he had his car, but... He didn't really want to...

Kinjou-kun brightened. "If it's no trouble..." he began, but then Nishida came up behind him and patted him on the head.

"I have my car. I can take him, boss. Thanks for all the hard work!" 

"Eh!?" Kinjou-kun looked horrified. "No, I don't want to trouble..."

But that just earned him a thwack on the head from Nishida. "The one you should be worried about troubling is the boss! Now, c'mon!"

"Thanks for all your hard work," Masao smiled, watching them all leave, one by one. Once the office was empty, he took a deep breath.

And whipped out his phone. The last message from Jun was simply, _Let me know when you're coming. You can park out front anywhere that's free. (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))_

He shook his head at the weird symbols, but replied quickly. _I'm leaving now. See you in about thirty minutes._ He thought about trying to add some kind of symbol or something, but the only thing he could think of was a heart, and that was too embarrassing. He carefully made sure to put all the materials together and seal it up, and then he got his coat and jacket.

He was whistling as he got into his car.

That late at night, there was very little traffic, so it only took him twenty minutes to get to Jun's apartment. The moon was shining brightly, too. Since he was carrying all their hard work in his trunk, he made extra sure that the car was locked up before he went up.

His heart was thumping hard.

He'd barely knocked twice when the door flew open. Jun looked like he'd just gotten out of the shower. His skin was pinkish and and his hair was fluffy, like he'd taken the time to blow it dry. He smiled nervously, and stepped aside. "So, you actually do work late sometimes."

"It adds credulity to my cover," he smiled. "Thanks for having me."

"Mm. Well, welcome." He watched Masao take off his shoes. The hoodie he was wearing had a wide neck, and a lot of his tempting skin was showing. "Are you sure you're up for this? Or did you just want a comfortable place to sleep?"

Masao took Jun by the waist and kissed him, hard, proving his intention. Jun put his arms around Masao, and Masao found it impossible to hold back. He slipped his hands up under Jun's hoodie, feasting on skin while he pushed it up and over Jun's head. Jun started to laugh, trying to tell him to slow down, but Masao couldn't really hear it. He heard him, but he disagreed. He needed to hurry. Once the hoodie was tossed aside, he had lots of skin to work with and explore. The neck, of course, was tasty, but he had to move further down, and the further down he moved, the lower he wanted to go. Lower, and lower, until he was on his knees, tugging at Jun's waistband.

"You're not wearing underwear," Masao commented happily.

"Yeah... but it was... I wanted to know about _you_..."

Jun was getting hard, and that was tempting, very tempting. He should be thinking about his knees, or the time. He put his lips to Jun's hip, and then slowly, slowly, closer and closer. He was probably drooling a bit. Utterly disgraceful, but. But.

He ran his tongue down the length of the underside of Jun's cock, and kissed the skin at the base softly. 

"Damn it, Masao..."

Jun was pulling at his hair. It was a good feeling. Masao hadn't done this in a really long time, so he took it slowly. Which was fine, at least judging by the sounds Jun was making. He took it in, as much as he could, and used his hands to do the rest. The feeling, the taste... it was like he'd never done this before. This was for Jun, though.

That made a difference.

Jun came, and Masao choked a bit, but as Jun sank to the floor, he managed to swallow it down. "Hey!" Jun complained weakly, but Masao was already licking his lips clean. He smiled, caressing Jun's hip.

"Did I do it wrong?"

Jun started to laugh. "This is... crazy... It's almost two in the morning... I've got a good-looking man in a gorgeous suit between my legs... asking me... and you never gave me a straight answer about your underwear?!"

Masao leaned back on his haunches. "Mm. My suit is gorgeous, but I'm only good-looking? Well, I guess that's good enough. But if you want to know something... you should find out for yourself." He picked up Jun's hand, and kissed the fingertips, the knuckles, and then the palm. And then he placed Jun's hand on his waist. "Well?"

Jun smirked. "You realize I'm not going to let you get any sleep, right?"

"I plan on napping in my office tomorrow," Masao nodded solemnly.

* * *

  
He turned his ring around his finger as he impatiently waited for the light to turn green.

"After we're done with the paperwork, let's go get something to eat."

Masao valiantly resisted the urge to sigh heavily. His timing had been off all day. He missed his first alarm that morning, and just barely missed the train, making him late to work. Of course, he'd overslept because for the fourth night in a row, he'd been with Jun. He'd missed the train because they'd been kissing the genkan. If only he'd taken his car to Jun's... but he'd decided that he'd be more disciplined if he was forced to follow the train schedule. _That_ didn't work. He and Jun had been texting most of the day, too. Jun had to buckle down because he had a meeting with his editor on Monday. They'd agreed not to meet again at least until after that meeting.

Of course, the previous night, they'd agreed the same, and then at the last minute, Jun had sent him a text and he'd decided to go see him. Because of _that_ , documents that he'd been working on at home because there was _plenty of time_ to get them finished were _still_ in his home office when he needed them.

"Do you like Tandoori food? I know a really nice place. It's... dark and very cozy." 

Masao sighed, and shifted into gear. _None of that_ explained why Kinjou-kun was in the car with him. _Nothing in the world_ could explain why Kinjou-kun was in the car with him. 

"What do you think?" he was asked, and Kinjou-kun rubbed his elbow. _Again._

He was driving, so there was only so much he could do. He pulled his arm away from the young man as much as possible. "You should go there with someone your own age, then. I'll be too busy for something like that."

"Aw, no fun," Kinjou-kun pouted, but he was flirting.

It made Masao sickeningly uncomfortable. "It's my fault these plans aren't submitted properly already. I just want to focus on getting that done. ...I've said this already, but there's no reason for you to be involved with this." When he'd realized that the papers he needed were still at home, Kinjou-kun was helping him in the office. When he rushed out to his car, Kinjou-kun followed him. No matter what he said to the young man, he just didn't listen, and when Masao got to his car, Kinjou-kun got in without being invited.

Bothersome.

"It's my role to support you, Shindou-san," Kinjou-kun said cheerfully. Masao had a feeling that he didn't mean what he should when he said that.

Masao could only sigh.

"Even the hardest working person has to _eat_ ," Kinjou-kun teased him, bumping his arm against Masao's. 

"At the moment, I feel sick to my stomach," Masao muttered.

"Eh?"

Masao shook his head. He turned down his street. Vaguely, he had a feeling, like this was a bad idea, letting this kid know where he lived. Where, even more importantly, his wife and his son lived. However, if Kinjou-kun wanted to know that, he could find out. It wasn't the sort of information they just gave away in the company, but it was on file, so someone like Kinjou-kun, who was resourceful, could find it out. But.

It wasn't like Kinjou-kun was dangerous, so. It shouldn't be a problem.

He pulled into his driveway. "I'll just be a minute. You can wait here."

"I can go in with you," Kinjou-kun stated.

Masao narrowed his eyes. "Wait _here_."

Kinjou-kun, though, continued to unbuckle and open his door. "Wouldn't that be rude? I won't cause any trouble for you, Shindou-san. I promise. If you have any trouble with the paperwork, though..."

"I've already told you, there's no problem. Everything is in order, it's just on my desk," he sighed.

Damn it all, this brat was following him into his house. This situation... definitely felt wrong. Masao was sure that the... indiscretions they'd indulged in were well in the past, but the kid had a persistent streak that Masao wasn't comfortable with at all. Perhaps he should look into having Kinjou-kun reassigned. It was damned annoying, though, since the kid knew how to work. Well, that just meant he would earn a promotion quickly, right?

Feeling out of sorts, he opened the front door.

"I'm home," he called out. He knew it wouldn't be so, but he somewhat hoped that Mitsuko had gone out to eat with a friend.

"Oh, honey!" Of course not. His wife came out of the kitchen, looking slightly horrified. How appropriate. "I wasn't expecting you!"

Guilt cut at him. Naturally she wasn't. He hadn't been home all week. He'd been... Mitsuko was looking at Kinjou-kun. Masao straightened himself up, setting aside his feelings. "Sorry for the intrusion," he teased. "I left some paperwork here. Ah, and this is..."

"Dad?"

Hikaru peeked out of the kitchen. And... Akira was right behind him.

Masao raised an eyebrow, and stepped out of the genkan. "Hello. I've interrupted dinner, haven't I?"

"Don't be silly," Mitsuko grinned, swatting at his arm playfully. Even that little contact was enough to make him feel like scum. "We were just about to eat, but there's more than enough for you and...?" she looked questioningly at Kinjou-kun.

This just wouldn't do. He put his hand on Mitsuko's back, feeling like he definitely didn't belong. "Oh, no, this is just my subordinate, Kinjou-kun. And this is, of course, my wife, my son Hikaru, and his fellow go pro, Akira. I just need to grab some paperwork, so I'll be right back," he said, directing the last part to Kinjou-kun.

He took the stairs two at a time. He could hear conversation below. Of course there would be... it would be rude to ignore the kid, even if they should. Masao knew immediately, though. He had to get Kinjou-kun out of the house as soon as possible. Hikaru was there? 

With Akira?

Did they often eat with Mitsuko? Masao... really hoped so. If this was just a usual dinner as family, that would be...

Perfect.

The envelope with the paperwork was right where he knew it would be. He had been careless. From now on, he really shouldn't leave anything behind, right? After all, he wasn't spending as much time at home as he had before, and he hadn't spent a lot of time at home _before_ , so.

He rushed down the stairs. He got a full view of the kitchen for the first time. It looked so homey and comfortable. He decided.

"Got it." He smiled brightly for his family. It felt like there was some tension in the room. "Kinjou-kun, you can handle processing this, correct?"

"O-of course, Shindou-san," Kinjou-kun replied, wanting to please him but clearly confused.

That was fine.

Masao shepherded him to the door. "Excellent. If you take a right, the station is just five blocks that way. Should take you no time at all to get there."

"Sh-shindou-san? I thought...?" Kinjou-kun started.

"I've decided to have dinner with my family," he stated firmly, practically shoving Kinjou-kun out the door.

"But... I don't know the area..." Kinjou-kun protested, shoving his feet into his shoes. He almost managed to grab a hold of Masao's forearm, but Masao reached out to open the door. 

"You really can't miss it, it's just up the road, but if you have to call for a cab, I'll compensate you tomorrow. Thank you so much for taking this responsibility," he said firmly.

Kinjou-kun's expression changed, and he accepted it. "Not a problem, Shindou-san. I'll see you tomorrow, then," he said forcefully. "It was nice to meet you," he bowed to Masao's family.

"And you, Kinjou-kun," Mitsuko nodded.

She was far too kind.

He shut the door behind Kinjou-kun as soon as the brat was clear, and took a deep breath. It was a relief, having him gone.

"That guy was weird," Hikaru declared.

"Hi-hikaru!" Akira-kun hissed.

Masao grinned, and turned to his family. "No, my son is right. He is a little weird," Masao sighed. He slipped out of his suit jacket. Without even thinking, he handed it off to Mitsuko, regretting it instantly. He was perfectly capable of hanging it up himself... But Mitsuko took care of it without a thought.

"He _really_ seemed to like you, Dad!" Hikaru complained.

Masao tilted his head to the side. "I hope _that's_ not what you find so weird about him!"

Mitsuko laughed. "You do have a way of... _inspiring_ people around you," she teased him.

"I have no idea what you mean," Masao replied, honestly confused. But he didn't like the direction this was heading. Did Kinjou-kun say something weird to them? "Let's not let dinner get cold. Akira-kun, it's good to see you again. I'm not interfering with anything, am I?" he asked, mostly directed at Mitsuko.

"Don't be silly. Let me get you a plate," she bustled around.

He sat down at his usual place at the table, feeling guilty for making her do extra work.

"Hikaru and Akira-kun actually came to tell me some exciting news. Why don't you tell your father, Hikaru?" she prompted him, still fussing about.

Hikaru looked at him, blushing a bit. 

Blushing? Really? 

"Oh... er... well, yeah. Actually, Akira and I are gonna move in together," he bluntly said.

"J-just for the summer!" Akira-kun interjected, frantically poking Hikaru. "Er, it's just... my parents are going to be traveling... all summer, so. Um. Otherwise, it would just be me in the house..." he shrugged.

As if loneliness were the only reason for it.

Masao wondered if they were as embarrassed telling Mitsuko. 

"Well! That's great news, indeed!" He smiled at each of them. Mitsuko smirked at him in reply. He felt like the two of them had some kind of secret joke to which Hikaru and Akira-kun weren't privy. 

"You... you really think so? You think it's a good idea?" Hikaru asked. 

Both of the boys looked as if they were scared and uncertain. Well, of course they were. Why wouldn't they be? But. "Sure. You're at a good age for this. If you weren't playing go, you'd be in college, after all. It's the right time to try living with your... _special_ someone."

Mitsuko gave him a rather amused look as she served him his food. Masao squirmed a bit in his seat.

"You guys are really understanding," Hikaru pouted, like he'd been expecting a fight, and now was disappointed.

"Your parents don't object, do they, Akira-kun? Since it's their house..." Masao asked.

"Ah! No, well..." he blushed a bit. Hikaru smiled at him cutely. His son probably thought Akira-kun's blush was cute. Masao felt a warm, happy feeling fill his chest. 

These two kids were just so damned _sweet_.

"Y-yes, I mean, naturally, they approved, it's just..." Akira-kun squirmed cutely.

"He promised them I'd be sleeping in the guest room," Hikaru flatly filled in for him.

Masao nearly snorted. "That's... ah... charmingly naive... and unenforceable..."

Mitsuko finally sat down. "Now, now. Their sleeping arrangements aren't any of our business!"

" _Exactly_ ," Masao sighed, sipping his beer. It really was nice to be home.

He had a sudden flash of sitting in Jun's living room, drinking and watching television...

"Could we just _drop this_ ," Hikaru begged loudly, his head down.

" _You_ brought it up, _idiot_ ," Akira-kun muttered.

He and Mitsuko shared a _look_ , grinning.

* * *

  



	5. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


May

* * *

  
They worked through lunch, and he'd have meetings all afternoon. He had an energy bar and a candy bar in his desk. He was thinking of grabbing them both. Arakawa-san trailed after him, listing off who was going to be at the next meeting and what the bullet points would be, so he could be _prepared_. The only thing worse than going to a meeting was having to be _prepared_ to go to a meeting.

"And Saga-san's wife just had their third baby," she finished. 

"Boy or girl?" he asked. He hoped Saga had pictures. Babies were more interesting than the ink cost crisis and how to minimize its impact. 

"Um... girl, I think," Arakawa-san nodded, flipping through her notebook.

"How nice," Masao smiled.

"You're such a softie," she teased him. 

They entered the outer office, so there was a chorus of greetings for him. Just then, though, his phone rang. This ringtone...

He checked his phone to be sure. Jun had never actually _called_ him before, just sent texts.

"Just a second," he smiled at Arakawa-san.

"Boss?" she wondered, but he was already back out in the hall, and heading to the stairwell. He checked to be sure no one was there, and then answered.

"Jun, are you all right?"

"Is it not ok that I called?" he asked, sounding hesitant and cute. 

Something inside of Masao felt _settled_ and _at peace_. "No, it's fine, it's just..."

"I usually just text," Jun laughed.

Masao wanted to be with him. "That's right."

"I have good news, though! I had the meeting with my editor today, remember?"

"I do."

"They're moving my series to the main title!" he sounded overjoyed.

Masao didn't fully understand, but he knew it was exciting. "That's fantastic... right?"

Jun laughed heartily. "Yes! I mean, I'm being published now, but the publisher has several magazines, and the one I'm being serialized in is smaller and full of more... raw stuff, you know? If I didn't get picked up by another magazine soon, I probably would have been cancelled, but... this is really great! I'm going to be in the flagship manga!"

"Wow, that's really amazing! Congratulations!" Masao was just beaming. He felt _proud_ for some reason. 

"Thank you, thank you very much," Jun was clearly grinning.

Masao needed to see him. "You should celebrate. Are you going out with friends?"

"Eh... I don't... I mean, I don't have any _plans_..." Jun hedged.

He was waiting for Masao to say something. "Do you want to go out with me? We could go drinking. Or we could go out someplace fancy to eat." Masao didn't really know any fancy places, but Arakawa-san would steer him to the right place.

"Going out? Really? You'd be ok with that?" Jun asked. He sounded uncertain, but maybe... hopeful?

Masao wished he could see Jun's eyes. "Of course. Anything you want?"

"Anything?"

Masao felt a little warm by the collar. "Absolutely... _any _thing," he promised. Was his voice getting husky.__

"I want to see you."

"I want to see you, too. I... I can't leave _right now_ , obviously, but..." Masao fidgeted. Could he leave right then? Jun wanted him...

"No, I know that!" Jun sounded nervous. "Come to my place tonight? I don't... really enjoy going out as much as... being in..."

Masao's heart rate jumped. "O-okay. Like I said. Anything." He licked his lips.

"I want _food_ , though!"

"Of course, of course," Masao laughed, grateful for the break in tension. Sexual tension. He had a tactile image of Jun's hands in his mind...

"Bring me... mm... we should have cake."

"Not a problem," Masao promised.

"And... champagne!"

"Naturally!"

"...I want to eat beef bowls," Jun said, but it sounded like he was testing Masao.

He could only laugh in response.

"What?!"

"It just... it sounds interesting. Beef bowls, champagne, and cake."

"Bring me steak instead, then!" 

"Ok, got it. Steak, champagne, cake. Is that what you want?" He bit his lip before he added something dangerous like _my love_.

"... _Probably_. When can you come?"

Masao checked his watch. He was going to be late... "I have a couple of meetings, but... I should be able to leave by eight. Is that all right?"

"...Just make sure you get a cake!"

"I promise," Masao smiled. "I'll let you know when I'm on my way. Congratulations... again."

"See ya," Jun said quietly, and then he hung up.

Masao opened the door to the stairwell... to find Kinjou-kun right outside.

Sighing heavily, he gave the kid a dark look. "Is there something you need?" His voice was too sharp, but he didn't like how this kid was acting. It felt wrong.

"Oh! No, Shindou-san, I just thought _you_ might need something... urgent, since you..." Kinjou-kun looked back toward the stairwell. 

Masao was already heading to the office. "That was _personal._ " 

He stepped inside again and Arakawa-san was already waiting for him with his briefcase and trench coat. "I put your bars in the front pocket," she raised an eyebrow at him.

Nodding, he slipped on his trench coat. " _Thank you_ , Arakawa-san. I-" His phone jingled again, but this time it was just a text.

_I want a celebratory sushi platter! A big one!_

Masao couldn't stop himself from smiling. Arakawa-san was giving him a strange look. He slipped his phone into his pocket. "I'll be heading straight home after the meeting, so you don't need to wait for me. Arakawa-san, where did we get the sushi for the office holiday party?"

He'd thrown her for a loop. He could practically see her gears shifting. "Oh. Ah. That was Yoshino-zushi Honten. Do you want me to get a reservation or put in an order for you?"

"No, thanks," he replied cheerfully. "I just wanted to know the name." Now that he thought about it, he should have known.

He just barely made the meeting, but nothing ever started on time, so he got to coo over Saga's new daughter. During the meeting, he used his cell to find the address and phone number for the sushi place, and in between meetings, he placed the order. After the second meeting, he should have invited the section chief out for drinks, but he just politely excused himself and headed for his car. He went to a wine shop near the business district so he could get some quality champagne. He planned on just going to a convenience store to get the cake, but near where he had to park to get the sushi, there was a cafe that sold small cakes. It was a bit embarrassing, as most of the patrons were young women, but the girls at the counter were very helpful, and this was sure to be a far better cake than something from a convenience store. Of course, that meant he had to walk to and from the sushi shop with a bright pink bag with flowers and the name of the cafe.

Anything for Jun. 

It was just before nine when he parked at Jun's complex. He sent a text to tell Jun he was on his way up, and then loaded up on the 'party' goods. Jun had the door opened for him by the time he got up, and greeted him with a kiss.

Just like coming home, in some sort of pastel-colored fantasy world.

"It looks like... you went overboard," Jun fussed, looking over Masao's packages.

"What are you talking about? Not at all! This is a big deal, right?" Masao grinned, setting his bags down. 

"I was just being selfish when I asked for all that. I didn't really expect you to go to any expense. All I really wanted..." Jun bit his lip.

Masao put his hands on Jun's hips, and looked him in the eye. Masao smiled gently.

"I told you. Anything you want. This is your dream, right? We should celebrate it properly."

Jun looked like he wanted to protest, and Masao could guess just what was wrong with what he said. This relationship was supposed to be just sex, right? He pulled Jun close, kissing him gently until Jun put his hands on Masao's shoulders and let the kiss deepen.

It was Masao's selfishness, to want to be a part of an important occasion for Jun. Since he'd been given permission, though...

"Let's not let this go to waste, right?" he whispered softly against Jun's lips.

Jun slipped his arms around Masao's neck, and grinned. "All right. I _guess_ I'll let you celebrate me, then!"

They put the cake in the fridge until it was time for it. Masao popped the cork on the champagne, and Jun licked his fingers clean of the spill-over. They opened up the sushi tray Masao had ordered, and Jun immediately grabbed his favorites. Eventually, they ended up feeding each other, though Jun tried to make Masao eat the wasabi. The champagne bottle was half empty when they opened up the cake, and since they'd both eaten quite a lot of sushi, they weren't really hungry. However, Jun got into Masao's lap, opened his shirt and smeared cake on his chest, licking it up.

Masao dug his fingers into Jun's sides, trying to hold him in place.

By the time they finished the champagne, they'd both lost quite a lot of their clothing, and Masao's entire chest was sticky from cake and saliva. He dug his fingers into Jun's hair and kissed him. He meant to complain about it, but it came out more like a come-on. Jun's gorgeous and talented hands moved down Masao's torso, and he offered to wash Masao clean.

Afterward, they showered together, they made love on Jun's futon, going torturously slowly. Every time Jun thrust into him, Masao tried to hold on, cling to him, not let go. Being able to look into his lover's eyes as his lover moved inside of him made Masao feel drunker than if he'd drank three bottles of the champagne by himself. That bubbly, heady feeling was too good to let go of, not if he could help it. They fell asleep all tangled together, still sticky from sex.

His cell phone was still in the hallway with his pants, so it took a while for him to hear the alarm in the morning. It took longer to get untangled from Jun. He showered quickly, and then went through the apartment, trying to find his clothes. The sun was up when a sleepy, naked Jun shuffled into the living room. 

Masao's heart skipped a beat.

"Why are you looking under the couch?" Jun yawned.

"I can't find my tie," Masao shrugged. "It's fine, I have more in the office."

Jun turned away quickly. "Are you really going into work so early?"

"You ask me this every time," Masao laughed softly. He straightened up and smoothed out his clothes. Unfortunately, he was hopelessly wrinkled. They'd just tossed everything aside last night. "I have to get going or I'll get caught dressed like this."

"Mm," Jun looked him over. "That annoying underling would at least know you were already getting some," he offered.

"Sadly, so would everyone else in the building," Masao shook his head.

"Someday, I'll get you to sleep in with me," Jun promised.

Masao's smile spread out in what he was sure was a goofy manner across his face. He turned to get his shoes. "Sounds good to me."

"...We really should stop doing this."

Masao froze.

"This... isn't _just_..."

"You want me to not come anymore?" Masao wasn't sure if his voice sounded sharp or not. He wanted to keep his cool here. He didn't have the right to ask for anything, after all. It was all Jun's decision. He was the one who was cheating on his wife. And... damn, the last thing he wanted to think about while thinking about how he was making things hard for Jun was how he was making things hard for Mitsuko, too.

"No, I want to see you again. _That's_ the problem. ...I really had a good time last night. I mean, _before_ we got to... cake."

Masao chuckled, and turned a bit to face Jun. "I'm really happy for you. You deserve... wonderful things. Success." To be happy.

"Thank you." Jun smiled at him, and Masao's world tilted a bit. He reached out and brushed his fingers over Masao's cheek.

Masao quickly grabbed Jun's hand, and kissed his fingertips, his knuckles. 

"Pervert," Jun laughed. "Go to work."

"Yes, sir," Masao grinned, and nibbled at Jun's pinky finger.

All the way to work, he worried.

* * *

  
"We'll need to decide about the T-project by the end of the week."

"Not a problem," Masao nodded. He made some notes on the file that was in front of him, which was not at all what Arakawa-san was talking about, so he hoped he wasn't mixing things up. 

"And here are some vacation requests that need to be approved."

Another file was placed in front of him. Just never stopped, huh? "Are there any problems?"

"None that I could see," Arakawa-san replied diffidently, but if she didn't have any issues, then there were none. It was helpful to have such a capable assistant, though...

Really, Arakawa-san shouldn't be trapped in such a menial position. 

"Thank you very much, Arakawa-san." Masao was about to say something more, but his phone buzzed.

Since they'd last seen each other, Jun had been busy with his manga. Not surprising, since he was moving up in the manga world. Because Jun had been texting him several times a day, instead, Masao had gotten into the habit of keeping his phone on his desk. He glanced at it.

_I'm eating cake! (⌒▽⌒)☆_

He couldn't help grinning widely. Arakawa-san was frowning at him slightly. By now, she had to realize he was carrying on an affair. Her opinion of him had undoubtedly dropped as a result, and she must find him shameless, to spend so much time communicating with his lover. More than that, Arakawa-san knew Mitsuko and even spoke to her from time to time. He was putting her in a bad spot, wasn't he? 

He smiled ruefully at her, and picked up his phone. "Are you planning any vacation time this summer, Arakawa-san?"

"No," she sighed. "I'm saving up for a trip to Korea in the fall."

"Oh, that's right. Are you going off to find some Korean husband?" he teased. He typed back to Jun, _Don't get too excited, now._

"You shouldn't try to be funny, boss," Arakawa-san sighed.

"I know, I know, I'm not any good at it," he laughed. His phone buzzed again.

_I'm a little excited! （＠´＿｀＠）_

Masao bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing. 

Arakawa-san tapped her fingernail on the files in front of him. "Please attend to your work, boss."

"Yes, yes," he sighed, winking at her. She at least smiled at him tightly as she headed back to her desk. He picked up his phone to type a reply. _Before_ he finished his work.

_I'm jealous. I want cake._

He put his phone aside, organized the papers in front of him, and put them back into their file. That had to go to Nishida. He picked up the top file in front of him. Vacations, huh? He opened the calendar on his computer.

His phone buzzed, and Kinjou-kun stuck his head inside. "Can I ask you for some advice, Shindou-san?"

Masao picked up his phone, and nodded. "Sure, come in."

_Of COURSE you do! |(￣3￣)|_

He wasn't sure what that emoticon was supposed to mean, but he sort of liked it. He knew he was grinning, and he wasn't paying attention to Kinjou-kun. At least, he didn't, until Kinjou-kun put his hand on the arm of Masao's chair and leaned over to read his texts.

Masao pulled away quickly, turning his phone over. "You're too close," he said sharply.

"Are you chatting with your wife?" Kinjou-kun asked cheerfully, ignoring Masao's sharp tone.

Masao didn't like this. "Obviously, that's none of your business. What did you need?"

Kinjou-kun frowned slightly, but he wasn't deterred, unfortunately. "You've been hard to track down lately. Is your wife being demanding? If you'd like to blow off some steam..."

"You're out of line," Masao snapped. "If you don't have any work, I'm too busy for these stupid distractions."

That seemed to at least give Kinjou-kun pause. "Ah... Is it good enough to fix the headers on the proof or should I go into the system and adjust them in the file?"

"You should do both. And you shouldn't have to ask about something so menial," Masao sighed, rubbing his forehead.

Kinjou-kun took a step back. "Ah... sorry... Shindou-san. Am I bothering you?"

" _Yes_ ," Masao replied, with uncharacteristic honesty. After a moment's pause, though, he looked up to see Kinjou-kun's absolutely crushed face. Damn it all... there was a delicate line here... "Don't take it to heart. You do good work. Just, please get to it." He forced himself to smile tightly for the kid, too. 

Damn it.

"Yes, of course, Shindou-san," Kinjou-kun replied. He bounced back too easily.

Once Masao was alone again, he checked his phone. He typed a quick reply.

_I don't even like sweet things much._

* * *

Masao glanced up from the paperwork he was checking. "The dangling ones, definitely."

Ozaki frowned slightly, and looked at the two pairs of earrings she was offering him. "Really? You think so?"

"Sure," he replied, flipping back and forth between pages to double check the numbers. "The sparkling dangle leads the eye to the neck... which is a very sexual part of the body. Subconsciously makes the young man think about kissing your neck."

"That's so sly!" Ozaki laughed. "I had no idea the boss was so tricky!"

"Well, you did say that you liked this guy, right?" he smiled slightly, making a note in the margin.

"Yeah, I do, but I don't want him to think I'm easy or anything," she frowned, looking over the earrings like they might try to start a fight.

"No, it's not that overt. It's a subconscious thing," he assured her.

" _You_ know about it, boss!" she accused.

"Of course, I'm an old man," he sighed wearily. "I'm well-versed in the ways of tricky women." 

"That's a dangerous thing to say," Ozaki giggled. "I pity your wife!"

"So do I," he muttered under his breath. His phone buzzed. He glanced at the message.

_I'm drowning._

He frowned a bit, picking up his phone.

"I'm not even sure where he's taking me to eat. He said it would be someplace nice, but..." she sighed. He knew what she meant. A young man might have a very different idea of what _someplace nice_ was than a young girl. Especially an ambitious one like Ozaki.

He opened his mouth to respond when another message came in.

_I think I might really be screwed._

He barely had time to consider that one when another message popped up.

_I'm starving, too. I haven't eaten since yesterday, I think!_

Masao was getting worried. There weren't even any emoticons...

"Is everything ok, boss?" Ozaki asked.

He smiled at her. "I need to take care of something. Could you give me a minute?"

"Oh, no problem!" she cheerfully replied, turning quickly to leave his office. 

"Close the door on your way out," he asked.

"Oho, really? I hope everything's ok," she winked, closing the door behind her.

It was true, during the working day, he almost never closed his door unless he was meeting with someone, but.

He called Jun. 

"I didn't mean to worry you," Jun greeted him, sounding miserable.

"Forget it. What's going on?"

"I made a horrible mistake," Jun groaned. "I just didn't think... I changed magazines, but I was assuming... for no reason at all... that my deadline was the same. It's a whole week earlier! And I'm responsible for _twice_ as many pages! Can you even comprehend that?!"

That was bad. Based on the cycle Jun _was_ on, his deadline should have been next week, so... "When _is_ your deadline?"

" _Tomorrow_ ," Jun despaired.

"Shit," Masao rubbed his lips. "How much do you still need to do?"

"I... I realized what I did yesterday. I haven't slept. I've got... eight pages done. But. I need twelve more. That's... that's so many, Masao!"

Masao closed his eyes. _Fuck_. "Manga artists... use assistants, right? Can you call someone? A friend or something? Get some help?

"I don't know that many manga artists yet," Jun groaned. "I called everyone I know, but they're already booked up. It's too last minute."

"If you call your editor, he should be able to arrange someone," Masao suggested.

"...I'm too afraid to tell him. What if I just get dropped instead? This is my big break. This is... my only shot..." Jun's voice was quivering.

Damn it. "Hang in there. I'm coming. Do you need anything? Besides food?"

"I... I... I can't make you..." Jun wavered.

"You can't stop me, either," Masao teased. "So you might as well get the most out of it."

"I... I need pencils. And. I dropped some ink on some paper, so probably... ink and paper..." Jun floundered.

"Ok, look. Take a deep breath. Deep. Breath in through your nose, let the air get all the way down to your belly... and exhale slowly through your mouth. Ok? Text me a list of all the art supplies you need. I'll pick those up and some food and I'll be there in about an hour, ok?"

"...Thank you," Jun said meekly.

"Don't even think about it," Masao smiled, and hung up. He straightened up his paperwork and gathered his things. He went out and stopped at Arakawa-san's desk. "Something's come up... a family emergency."

"Is everything all right?" she asked, wide-eyed.

He smiled brightly. "Yes, it's fine, just... one of those things... with my parents, I... need to go take care of something." He sure as hell didn't want her talking to Mitsuko. "If you need me, I have my phone."

"No problem, boss," she nodded.

"I've got the K file on my desk, so if there are any questions, just help yourself," he nodded. "And thank you, Arakawa-san."

"Just take care of what you need to take care of," she winked at him.

As he was leaving the building, Jun's list came in. He didn't really know what all those items were, but he knew where to go to get them, and when he got there, he just asked the college-aged clerk to help him out. He bought some extra of everything Jun ordered, just to the on the safe side. It wouldn't be any good if at three am they discovered they were short of ink or... screentones. He drove to a nearby convenience store, and stocked up on bento, energy drinks, and tea. Last minute, he also picked up some hard candy. An easy to eat sugar rush might come in handy later.

It was a little more than an hour after he'd hung up from Jun that he was outside his door. Jun opened up slowly, and looked... well, like hell.

"I can't believe you bought all that. I can't believe you _came_ , even. You're just... incredible."

The way Jun was looking at him pretty much made it all worthwhile. "Don't call me incredible yet. There's still a lot of work to do." He came inside and shucked off his shoes.

"Eh?" Jun looked at him, bewildered.

Masao grinned. "Well, I've never done this before, but I'm not unfamiliar with how a pen or brush works, and I can follow instructions, so. An inexperienced helper is better than nothing, right? We've got twelve pages to get through."

Jun opened his mouth to say something, and then just clamped his mouth shut. "Are... are you sure, I mean... it's the middle of the day..."

"You're worrying about the wrong things. C'mon. We gotta get some food in you so you can keep drawing." He lifted the bento out of the bag, and grinned.

They stood at the counter in the kitchen to eat. The living room was a mess of drawings and supplies, everything scattered about. Jun described his manga to Masao, explaining the characters and the location. Masao wasn't really following, but he paid attention and tried to glean the essential details. As soon as they were done eating, Jun went back to work, and Masao started out by tidying up the living room space. He threw out the trash and lined up the finished pages neatly, separating them from what Jun was working on currently. He also took the storyboard pages that were already done and set those aside. He sat down next to Jun and waited for instructions. 

When it came to filling in lines with ink and even writing text or sound effects, he had no problem. He was already skilled with _that_ aspect of art. Applying screentones was a whole other matter, but rather than forcing Jun to take time to teach him, he took care of the things he knew first and just watched Jun using the screentones, until he was relatively confident he could manage. Once he was able to ink, letter, and do tones himself, Jun was freer to work on fresh pages.

They kept their heads down and kept at it for hours and hours. Masao got up to turn on more lights, and to get Jun something to drink after a while, but it was nearly ten before they took a proper break. Jun stretched out on the couch and rubbed his face.

"I think I'm going to go blind," he moaned. "How much more do we have to do?" he asked, clearly terrified of the answer.

"Well," Masao counted to double check. "Total, you've got seventeen pages done. Five to go." 

"And then... clean and double check the pages... scan them... send them in... Oh, fuck, Masao, what if I don't finish?" he moaned.

Masao crawled over to the couch, and kneeled next to Jun. He moved Jun's hands away from his face, and kissed him softly. He smiled, and looked Jun right in the eye. "You _are_ going to do it. It _will_ get done. This is everything you've ever dreamed of or wished for, right? This is your moment. You're not going to fail. You _can_ do this."

Slowly, Jun started to smile. "Is that so?" he murmured. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm just... so tired..."

Masao kissed his forehead. "I know. Look, you need a quick break and a warm meal. I'll cook, you rest."

Jun raised an eyebrow. "You can cook?"

"Don't underestimate middle-aged men!" Masao warned him, laughing. 

"Right, right... just don't poison me, please!" Jun replied, grinning.

As long as he was grinning...

Masao made himself at home in the kitchen. He started the rice, because any good meal would need rice, and that was easy enough. He looked over the contents of Jun's refrigerator... His phone rang. Damn. He answered it, trying to speak softly. "Hello, dear. Sorry I didn't call earlier..." What if Mitsuko had called the office for some reason? He couldn't really focus on that right now, since Jun needed him, but...

"No, no, it's fine. I was just making sure you weren't coming home. I didn't want to switch off the outside lights and all if you were going to be here later," she said.

She didn't sound upset... "Yes, I'm working through the night. Make sure you put the chain on the door, too."

"Yes, dear," she sighed, amused.

"Yes, yes, I'm a nag... good night, sleep well."

"Work hard," she replied. He put the phone down, and saw Jun peeking at him over the top of the couch.

"That was... your wife, of course."

Masao smiled tightly. "Well. Yes."

"You usually call her before you come here, don't you?" Jun asked softly.

Masao turned, cutting up some vegetables. "Ah... I guess I do. It's not really... I mean..."

"I'm glad you're here, though," Jun said, and Masao couldn't interpret his tone of voice.

"There isn't any other place I would want to be," he said calmly. He lit the fire on the stove and slipped the veggies in. He seared them, and added some leftover fried chicken, also cut up. Once the rice was done, he served it all up in two bowls, and brought them over, alone with the tea he bought. Jun sat up on the couch, taking the bowl in his lap. It would be too risky to put the food on the table with the artwork. 

Jun looked over his bowl, and grinned slightly. "This is... rice with veggies and leftover chicken? You realize... this is as close as you can get to not cooking while still technically being cooking, right?"

It felt a bit like Jun was forcing himself to tease Masao, but there wasn't anything either of them could do about it. "It's warm, and it's healthy. What more do you need, really?" He winked at Jun, taking a big bite.

Jun shook his head, amused. He looked like he was having trouble deciding what to say, and then he just started to eat. "Well, damn. This is good."

"See?" Masao grinned. "I have my uses."

"I can think of a few," Jun said softly. After he took another bite, he continued, thoughtfully, "I actually never would have guessed that you'd be so good at _this_ type of work. I thought you said you weren't an artist."

"I'm not," Masao shrugged. "But I could be a halfway decent assistant to an artist. You're really talented."

"Shut up," Jun sighed. "Talented people don't get their deadlines wrong by a whole damned week," he stabbed his bowl with his chopsticks.

"Relax. We're almost there," Masao assured him with false confidence.

"Are we?" Jun smirked. "I... I really don't want to fail at this. I'm not really sure... what I'll do..." he trailed off, staring blankly into space.

Masao snapped his fingers in front of Jun's eyes. "Hey. Don't go down that road. This is tough, now. But you're not alone, and you can do this. And tomorrow, once it's all in, you can sleep for three days."

Jun grinned at him boyishly. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Just got to... just got to focus." He shook his head a few times, and then attacked his bowl with new vigor. Once he was done eating, he chugged down half his bottle of tea, and then got back to work. Masao cleaned up from their meal, and then sat down to help him once again. Until about one or two am, Jun was working at a frantic pace like he hadn't been all day. He started to slow down a bit after that, so Masao changed the music they had on, got Jun some candy and an energy drink, and sat closer to him, encouraging him a bit more forcefully. They muscled on through, and at four am, they had all twenty pages done. 

Jun started to go through them, from page one, checking for any mistakes. Masao opened up Jun's laptop, setting up the scanner. Jun's apartment was so small that even though he had a nice, large-format scanner, he didn't really have a proper desk space to set it up, so he just had to pull it out and set it next to the table. Problem was, Jun's laptop was seriously out of date, and connections between computers and scanners were always a bit temperamental.

"This would be so much easier if I was working with a tablet and stuff. So much can be done digitally, even if it's still hand-drawn on paper. I can't believe you were able to write in all this text so neatly. It's like I typed it in. You really are a calligrapher. So beautiful... and your sound effects look good, too. You saved me so much time. I need... so much new equipment, though. I couldn't really afford it before I got my start, but now it's like... I'd need time to get acquainted with the new tools and all. I'm going to need at least one assistant, too, if I'm going to keep going. This apartment is so small... I mean, it's not a problem if I'm just getting help for like a week at a time and all, so it's not a big thing, it's just. It's all really _happening_ , and I don't know. I'm not prepared. I _am_ , but there's just... so much..." Jun fussed.

Masao grinned, and rubbed Jun's back. "Hey. One step at a time. And the first step is... to scan these in and submit them, right? ...You know, this will go a lot faster with my laptop. It's practically brand new."

Jun looked at him, startled. "Really? Is that ok? I mean... you don't mind?"

"Why would I mind?" Masao laughed. "One sec." He got up and went over to his briefcase, slipping out his laptop. 

Jun whistled when he brought it over. "Whoa. That is _nice_. I was looking at one of those when I was in the store the other day. I'd like one like that, maybe... you know, fewer spreadsheets all over the desktop..."

"Brat," Masao laughed. "It's a company laptop, so of course."

"It's not going to cause you problems, is it? Doing stuff like this with company property?" Jun worried.

"You know, I run my own department. There really isn't anyone to look over my shoulder for the small stuff like this," Masao winked. He had the scanner connected and running, so he started the first page. As expected, it went quickly and problem-free. They used scanners like this at the office, too, after all.

Jun scooted over and put his head on Masao's shoulder. "And that's why you could just walk out of work in the middle of the day?"

"Yup, exactly," Masao kissed the top of Jun's head. Jun started to doze, so Masao did his best to finish the scanning with just one free arm. When he was done, though, he had to jar Jun, unfortunately, to find out how to send the files. Groggily, Jun made the connection to his publisher's server, and uploaded the files. Masao went to get a flash drive, so he could easily transfer the files to Jun's computer. He needed to retain them, after all.

It was five thirty, the sun was fully up, and the job was done. Jun stared at the computer screen in awe. "It... says accepted. It's done." He looked up and grinned at Masao goofily.

Masao leaned in and kissed Jun softly. And then he deepened the kiss. "Congratulations... see, I told you?"

Jun laughed, clearly a bit hysterical. "I will endeavor to listen to you from now on. Sometimes."

Masao shook his head, and kissed Jun again. He caressed Jun's cheek. "You need to get some sleep. I've got to get going, too."

Jun's eyes widened. "You're... leaving?"

"I can't skip work today after skipping out yesterday," Masao explained, shrugging. Work was work, after all. "Really important decisions about whether to trifold the insert or use a staple just can't make themselves. For some reason."

Jun's face softened, and then he kissed Masao, and slipped his arms around Masao's neck. "I can't believe you're going to go to work with no... no sleep at all. Because of me. I." Jun swallowed hard. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been here for me. I mean, besides fail spectacularly." His eyes looked wet, and...

Masao's stomach rumbled from the look in Jun's eyes. He slipped his arms around Jun's waist, and pulled him closer. They kissed, and kissed more. It was just so intimate and...

"As long as you do it spectacularly," Masao said, his voice rough. He forced himself to smile. "Spectacular failures are _almost_ as good as modest success, after all, and far more memorable."

Jun laughed. "I don't want to be remembered for failing!" He snuggled in, crawling right into Masao's lap.

Masao wrapped his arms around Jun tightly, kissing him to keep from saying something stupid.

The kisses broke off, and Jun pressed his forehead to Masao's. "I really must be tired. Otherwise, I'd be hard by now."

Masao laughed. " _You_ need to get into bed. I should go." He kissed Jun's forehead... and moved Jun's arm down so he could take his hand. He kissed each finger. 

It was all pretty much a blur, but being able to watch Jun work had been amazing.

"Will you come back tonight?" Jun blurted out. 

Startled, Masao looked into Jun's eyes. He looked... frightened?

"I mean... I..."

"Do you want me to come back?" Masao asked.

"...Yes," Jun replied, looking ashamed.

Masao kissed his knuckles. "Then, I'll come back."

"And bring food!" Jun added, just as nervously.

Masao beamed. "Of course. We need to celebrate. You've finished your first chapter for the Weekly Shounen Victor. So, I'll bring you anything you want."

Jun looked away. "And you'll spend the night?"

Masao turned Jun's face back toward him, and kissed him. 

"Anything you want."

* * *

  



	6. June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


June

* * *

  
He shifted a bit under Jun. It was _hot_ , such a hot night that he'd actually stripped down shortly after arriving at Jun's place. The heat spell wasn't showing any signs of relenting, and Jun was only keeping his air going when he was working. Because of that, the windows were open and they could hear the street noise below, which was competing with the anime Jun was watching.

"You aren't paying any attention to me," Jun pouted.

Masao grinned, and rubbed Jun's back. "That's not true. I'm listening."

"I'm trying to explain the show to you!"

"I know!" Masao laughed. "And I _am_ listening. You're very enthusiastic. It's cute. It's just... too damned hot to concentrate," Masao sighed. He'd try pouting if he thought it would work.

Jun rubbed his chin against Masao's chest. "Would you rather be in your _nice_ , cool home?" 

That was a test. Masao slipped his fingers into Jun's slightly sweaty hair. "I am exactly where I want to be."

Jun dipped his chin down, hiding his smile. "Then pay attention to my explanation!"

"I am, I am!" Masao laughed. He shifted a bit, bending his left leg and pressing it to the back of the couch. This caused his legs to spread and bit and Jun settled more _comfortably_ between them. 

Nipping at Masao's collarbone, Jun complained, "Pervert!"

"It's not my fault," Masao asserted. Happily.

Jun sighed dramatically, and slipped his hand down Masao's side, his fingertips going into the waistband of Masao's boxer briefs. Masao caught his breath. _Now_ who was being perverted! "This is my favorite anime, you know," he sighed.

"I know," Masao said, trying to keep his voice calm. "I can see why, too." Though, Masao knew nothing about anime. But Jun was very eloquent, so. He knew enough to know that Jun loved it.

"The main character reminds me a bit of a boy I had a crush on in high school," Jun said casually, letting his hand rest on Masao's hip.

Jun was spread out on top of him. He could feel Masao's heart pounding, couldn't he? "You had a crush on a dorky kid?" Masao teased.

Jun smirked. "Well, he was very _earnest_. And hard-working. He was just very admirable."

"Mm," Masao frowned a bit, mock-glaring at the screen.

"Plus, I was in the art club, too, in high school." Jun scrubbed Masao's chest with his chin, right near Masao's nipple.

Summer was the best. "Yeah? And were you also involved in saving the world."

"Well, of course," Jun shrugged.

Masao grinned. "Was it fun?"

"Mm," Jun wriggled around a bit. Masao bit his lip to keep from groaning. "It was, and it wasn't. Everyone in the club was either... really snobby about art, and didn't think manga qualified, or was just there to hang out and goof off, and so didn't take art seriously at all. There weren't really any other members that were like me. It was sort of annoying, in that way.

"I did have my first kiss in the art room, though. My second year." Jun smirked.

Masao raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? With the dorky kid?"

Jun laughed softly. " _No_. With a guy a year younger. He transferred out a month later. He was taller than I was, even though he was younger. It was just a lark to him. But he was a good kisser." Jun underscored his point with a soft kiss on top of Masao's lips. "What about you?"

"No, I didn't kiss anyone in the art room in high school," Masao shrugged.

Jun slipped his hands down into Masao's shorts, and squeezed his ass. "Brat! I meant, when was your first kiss?"

Masao squirmed a bit. He looked up at the ceiling. "Ah... you mean real kiss?"

"There are fake kisses?"

"Well, Yui-chan pushed me into the sand in kindergarten and then kissed me. I think that was part of a dare, though."

"You lady-killer," Jun shook his head. He then pinched Masao's ass. "C'mon! First kiss?"

Masao wriggled, and sighed. "Well. I was in college."

"You were pretty in the closet up until then, huh?" 

Masao closed his eyes, and laughed. " _Until_ then, yeah. And after then. Even now. Yeah." He felt a bit ashamed. He knew he was lying to everyone he knew, in a way. He could just normally _forget_ that was how he was living.

"Damn. Well? So the first kiss? I'm guessing it was with your _friend_?" Jun teased him.

Masao grinned, though. "No, no it wasn't Natsuo. Not my _first_ kiss. I, uh, had a teacher's assistant for one of my seminars. I kept going to his office hours for, erm, _help_."

"I'm guessing he was more than happy to help you out," Jun snorted.

Masao grinned. "Well. He sort of went... above and beyond. Actually, he made me go out for drinks with him because his girlfriend dumped him. We ended up back at his place, with more drinks, and then... at some point, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. I... I think he wanted me to give him a blowjob. But he passed out before he could get it up."

"That is such a heartwarming story," Jun mused. "Something to pass on to the grandkids. Oops, your son is gay, too, so."

"He could adopt!" Masao objected. Well, it didn't really matter either way, but...

"What an open-minded father. I guess it's true what they say. Closeted men make the best parents," Jun wistfully sighed.

It was now Masao's turn to pinch Jun. Jun squirmed away, though, so Masao had to hold on tight to get him, and then Jun kissed him. He was so good at being distracting...!

"I bet you were like the Glasses King," Jun sighed.

Masao blinked. "Wh-what?"

"The main guy's rival!" Jun laughed, pointing at the television. The anime was over already, though. "He's the prince of the school."

"I was never a prince," Masao laughed.

"You were popular, though, right?" Jun pressed.

"I... don't know. Not especially?" Masao hedged.

"I bet you were. Did you get confessed to a lot?" 

"What? No, I don't think so. What's a lot, anyway?"

"More than... a few times?" Jun smirked.

Masao shook his head. "I don't really remember. I was always sort of... keep to himself kind of kid."

"Did you hang out with a lot of girls in high school?"

"Sort of? But I was in the calligraphy club, so," he shrugged. "I also had male friends."

"What sort of stuff did you do with your male friends?"

"I don't know..." Masao closed his eyes, trying to think. "We shared music. And homework. I guess we watched some of the same shows and stuff."

"Did they have anime back when you were young? Let me think, they had to have some, right? What shows would you have watched?" Jun pondered, scrunching up his face to think hard.

Masao laughed, and covered Jun's mouth. "I'm only five years older than you! Don't say it, I don't even want to hear you guess! I think I watched some Gundam shows, things like that. I don't really remember that well. Like I said, even when I was little, I kept to myself a lot. ...I suppose I always felt like I was _different_ , and I didn't want the other kids to find out or something like that."

Jun nodded slowly. "Because you're so vain."

"Wh-what?" Masao laughed, throwing an arm over his face. "Where did _that_ come from? I'm not vain!"

"You are!" Jun laughed. "You're always concerned with how other people see you!"

"That's... that's only... human nature!" Masao objected.

"It's human nature to a certain degree," Jun agreed. "Beyond that, it's vanity."

"That is so unfair..." Masao looked away. 

"I've seen you looking yourself over in the bathroom mirror," Jun teased. "Examining every hair and every pore on your face..."

"Can't even _see_ my pores," Masao muttered, unable to stop himself from correcting Jun.

Even though he knew Jun would laugh at him. "See?"

"Unbelievable," Masao muttered. Both Mitsuko and Jun teased him about his vanity. If he wasn't so well-grounded, he'd start to develop a complex.

Jun slipped his hand into Masao's shorts, pushing them down, until he was _exposed_. His hand brushed casually against Masao's cock. Masao hitched, unable to catch his breath. He held onto Jun, turning Jun so they were on their sides, facing each other. He needed... to get Jun's underwear out of the way, too...

Jun kissed him, taking control. He wrapped his beautiful, long, perfect fingers around Masao's cock, and Masao practically purred in response.

"Someone... should have told you," Jun whispered into Masao's ear, "back when you were young... that you were fine. Just as you were."

Masao opened his eyes and looked at Jun. They kissed, and Masao got a hold of Jun's cock. He pressed their bodies close together, their hands bumping as they worked each other.

"There... was never anyone like that," he sighed.

* * *

  



	7. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


July

* * *

  
The look on Jun's face as he opened his gift was just perfect. It had been a long time since Masao went shopping for someone's birthday. Mitsuko took care of Hikaru's gifts, and she always wanted the same thing to celebrate any special occasion... flowers, chocolates, and a night out. Masao had wanted to get Jun a tablet or a new computer, but he balked, knowing the cost would make it awkward. Plus, and even more compelling, it was hard to buy something like that with no input from the person in question. Jun had specifically mentioned which brand of lightbox he liked, so Masao just had to buy the top of the line from that brand.

Too easy.

Jun already had the box out of its package, and was setting it up. Masao leaned back and smiled. 

"That's actually only part one of your gift," he informed Jun quietly.

"Oh, really?" Jun made a show of looking around. Then he looked Masao over. It was true, Masao wore his best suit and his best tie. Clearly, Jun appreciated that effort. "And part two is...?"

"A _secret_ ," Masao smirked. "But I need one second to prepare. Wait here?"

"Wait... where are _you_ going?" Jun laughed. 

Masao got up and put his forefinger to his lips. He winked, and then headed back to the bedroom. 

He took a moment to just consider. He only needed to pack for one night, so it wasn't that big of a deal, but. Packing for your lover...

Smiling, Masao found a small duffel in Jun's closet, and picked out an outfit for the next day, underwear, and socks. He went across to the bathroom and grabbed Jun's toothbrush, slipping it into the convenient travel shield that Jun kept stored under the sink. He grabbed a few other items, just looking around, and then zipped up the bag. Good.

He put the duffel over his shoulder, and sauntered back out. Jun had the lightbox up and working, and he turned to look at Masao with an excited face. "This is really... hey! What's that?" Jun pointed to his duffel. 

Masao just held out his hand, smiling. "Do you trust me?"

Jun laughed. " _Should_ I?"

Masao rolled his eyes. "Well, only _you_ can answer that. So. C'mon. Do you trust me?"

Hesitantly, Jun reached up and took Masao's hand. "Where... are we going?"

Masao pulled Jun up to his feet. "You should turn the lightbox off. Don't want to blow the bulb before you can even use it."

"Hey, you didn't answer my question!" Jun complained. 

"Don't forget your keys," Masao reminded.

"Hey!" Jun complained, but he was laughing, too. 

When they got down to Masao's car, he popped the trunk, revealing his own travel bag. He put Jun's duffel next to it, and then escorted Jun to the passenger's door. Jun was giving him a funny look.

"I've never been in your car before. Where are we going?"

"I guess you'll find out. If you get in," Masao winked.

Jun sighed heavily, but he did get in.

Masao hopped over to the driver's side, and started up the car. Jun first of all made fun of Masao's radio station. He spent a while fiddling with the buttons and controls. He actually even reprogrammed a couple of the set positions, telling Masao that he _should_ be listening to this sort of music. After they'd been on the road for a while, he started to finger Masao's lapels, complaining that his suit was going to wrinkle from being in a car for so long. After an hour and a half, he started to whine, begging Masao to tell him where they were going.

When Masao pulled up to the front of the hot springs resort, Jun was speechless.

Masao had stayed at this place before, for work. The people who ran it were very _discreet_ , and they didn't put restrictions on who stayed with them, so it was perfect. The fact that it was very high-end and secluded in a lovely forest setting was just the icing on the cake.

They were shown to their room, and Jun went through their space like a little kid. Masao just stood back and watched him.

It was painful, loving someone so much.

Jun stood in front of him and grinned. " _This_... is so nice. I've never stayed someplace this nice before!" The look on his face, though, said that he was holding something back.

Masao put his hands on Jun's waist, and pulled him closer. "Well. I wanted to surprise you. I take it you _are_ surprised, yes?"

Jun laughed, throwing his arms around Masao's neck. " _Very_." He kissed Masao, and Masao wrapped his arms around Jun tightly. Jun pulled back a bit, so Masao let him. "I really don't... want to ask this. But I guess I have to... What about your wife?"

Masao tilted his head to the side. "I don't think she can get up here in time for dinner... so it would be sort of a waste. It's ok if it's just the two of us, right?"

Jun smiled, but he also reached down to pinch Masao's side. "That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"Fine, fine, that hurts!" Masao laughed. He laughed a lot around Jun. He pulled Jun closer... "I told her... I had a business trip."

"It's Friday," Jun reminded him.

"It happens," he shrugged, not really wanting to get into the specifics of his lies.

Jun considered for a moment, and then they were kissing again. This time, when they broke off, Masao took a deep breath. "We should... we should change our clothes. I... ordered dinner for... well, soon, I guess..."

"Are you going to wear a yukata?" Jun asked, his voice sounding really hopeful.

Masao laughed. "Is this another fixation? What else should I wear here?"

Jun beamed. "Will you let me tie it for you?"

It was a hot springs yukata, so it wasn't as if it needed to be tied too specifically, but. "It's your birthday. You can do whatever you want," Masao promised. 

"Oh, really?" Jun licked his lips. And slipped his hand into the back of Masao's pants. "You'll let me undress you?"

"If you insist," Masao teased.

"And take off your underwear?" Jun continued, pushing his hand down to caress Masao's ass.

"Whatever. You. Want." Masao spoke slowly, trying to keep his heartbeat and his arousal in check.

That was enough for Jun. He pulled Masao over and took off each piece of Masao's suit carefully, hanging it up with loving care. Only when Masao was completely naked was he satisfied. He tormented Masao a bit, kissing him before he took out the yukata. He took his time putting that on, too. Masao had to bite the inside of his cheek to try to keep from embarrassing himself. Jun threw off his own clothes and got dressed super fast, which was a bit of a shame, though the soft knock at the door announcing dinner came just after he finished dressing.

They had a feast spread out for them. While they ate, they talked about all sorts of things, including ancient Mongolian tools for artwork. Their plates were taken away, and a cake was delivered, with _Happy Birthday_ delicately spelled out in the frosting. Jun made Masao come to his side of the table so he could _properly_ enjoy his treat. He fed Masao the candied fruits that adorned the top, and spread frosting over Masao's neck and collarbone, licking it clean. They made quite a mess of the cake, but when the servers came to clear it away, they didn't react at all to the destroyed cake leftovers, or the fact that the two men were on the same side of the table.

They decided to soak in the open-air bath for a bit. They had arrived just late enough that when they got to the bath, only one other person was there, and when that person left, they were alone with each other, the stars, and the hot water. They scooted right next to each other. Masao felt like a goofy teenager, embarrassed and awkward and too aware of himself and the person next to him. He ended up splashing Jun a bit. 

Jun splashed him back, and leaned over. "Aren't you worried?"

"About what?" Masao grinned. 

"Someone might see us together. The people who work here obviously know. You could be recognized," Jun wiggled his eyebrows.

Whether that was supposed to be comical or menacing, Masao couldn't hope to guess. "I'm not worried."

"Maybe... a couple who lives down the street from your next door neighbor's cousin is here," Jun challenged. "You could be found out."

Masao stretched out and put his arm around Jun's shoulders. "I'm not thinking about stuff like that right now. I'm only thinking about..." he traced the line of Jun's jaw, and leaned in. He was pretty sure he'd never kissed anyone in an open-air bath before. 

It was getting very hot.

Jun was caressing his chest, and moving closer. Their legs were pressed together. It was really... really, very hot. Jun leaned back, his pupils dilated. He continued to rub Masao's chest, but he suddenly had a burst of laughter.

"What?" Masao asked, feeling self-conscious.

"No, no, it's not... I just had a weird thought." The look on Masao's face was enough to prod Jun to continue. "I was just thinking... that this was perfect... and then I thought, well. Even _more_ perfect would be... if you had on a tie, at least, or..."

Masao started to laugh, and then they were both laughing. He had a picture of himself in an exquisite three-piece suit, sitting the bath with Jun. "I worry that if I lost my wardrobe, you'd stop liking me," he teased.

"Don't lose your wardrobe," Jun warned him.

Masao pulled Jun close, and they were kissing again. Jun rubbed from his neck down his chest. "Even a tie would be nice," Jun huskily suggested. "Ah, but then your tie would be ruined..." he pouted a bit.

"I could always buy another one," Masao offered.

The way Jun's eyes lit up...

Someone made a bit of noise as they came out toward the bath, so Masao and Jun quickly put a bit of space between them. It was another pair of men, but from the look of it, it was a father and son. Masao and Jun looked at each other and smiled. The father was nagging the son about ordering more sake for after the bath. Masao reached down to twist the skin of his scrotum. He couldn't leave the bath until he took care of that _problem_ , and he was definitely overheated. Jun was _clearly_ amused, probably figuring what he was doing. 

He was embarrassed, and... embarrassingly happy.

He excused himself and headed back to their room. Their futons were laid out, so it was perfect. He slipped out of his yukata, hanging that up... and then.

This was absolutely mortifying, because he knew Jun would laugh at him, and yet... he slipped his tie off the shoulder of his suit, where Jun had hung it, and put it on quickly. Wearing nothing but the tie, he sat down on the futon to wait for Jun. Of course, if Jun kept him waiting, he'd lose his nerve and take this off, but...

The door opened, and Jun came in. "I hope you didn't abuse your balls too much, Masao," he called out cheerfully. "I still have use for them."

"Well, then, you'll have to check them for yourself," Masao sighed, turning red. This was just...

Jun stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Masao. And then he quickly turned and grabbed his cell phone, taking a picture before Masao knew what he was doing. Turning bright red, Masao held up his hand.

"D-don't _photograph_ me!" he complained.

"Why not?" Jun laughed. "This is part of my birthday present, too, right?"

"Oh, damn..." Masao had never been so mortified in his life. And Jun was still taking pictures, and... for some reason, he was reacting to this. He reached up to loosen it. "I'm taking it off!"

"No, you're not," Jun replied, commandingly. And somehow, Masao's fingers just _stopped_. Jun sat down next to him, covering Masao's hand with his own. "No. It's staying on. Until _I_ decide to take it off."

Masao's heart was pounding. "What... whatever... you... want."

They were kissing. And Masao thought that maybe Jun tried to take another picture of them, and... he was down on his back, but that was good. Very good. 

"I can't believe... the lengths you go to for me," Jun huskily whispered.

"I can't believe you're still taking pictures!" Masao pouted. "Stop that!"

"No," Jun shook his head, smiling. " _You_ forgot to pack my sketchbook! I have no choice but to take pictures!"

"You... you don't... draw... _me?_ " Masao squirmed under Jun.

"Of course I do," Jun pressed against him, kissing him and his chin and his neck. "I'm an artist. What did you expect?"

Masao could only groan.

Jun put the phone aside, and held Masao's arms above his head. He pressed Masao's wrists down, and grinned. "Keep your arms there."

Whimpering, Masao pouted, but he did as he was told.

"They have some rather fancy organic lotions and oils here," Jun remarked, nodding toward the gift basket of toiletries the resort provided. 

"I know," Masao replied, his breath ragged. "That's why... I didn't pack..."

Jun pressed him down again, practically assaulting Masao's mouth. 

They made love, Masao's tie squished between their bodies. The lotion tingled a bit, whatever ingredients were in it a bit more _stimulating_ than Masao was used to. More stimulating for Jun, too, considering how he was reacting. He pulled back and stopped more than a few times, drawing out the experience. He held the base of Masao's cock, squeezing when it seemed like Masao was going to come. When he finally was allowed to climax, Masao lost his sight for a minute, the whole universe melting into stars.

He held onto Jun as he fell asleep.

When he was next aware of something, he knew it was morning. The sun was making the room bright, even from behind the drawn shades. Jun was next to him, smiling, and...

Taking his picture?

"I can't believe that the first time I ever get to see you as you sleep in, I don't have a sketch book," Jun complained softly.

"I can't believe this actually bothers you. Draw something better!" Masao complained, covering his face, covering his laughter.

"I don't want to," Jun replied brattily. He pushed Masao's hand away, and kissed him good morning.

They both had morning breath, but it was fine. It was just fine.

"I suppose... we need to get dressed for breakfast," Jun sighed.

"I suppose so," Masao agreed, but he didn't move. 

"It's not my birthday anymore. So I guess it's not _whatever I want_ anymore, either, huh?" Jun smiled ruefully.

"I'm pretty agreeable anyway," Masao hedged.

Jun ran his finger down Masao's tie... he'd actually fallen asleep in his tie, how embarrassing... playing with the fabric a bit. "We kinda... did a number on this," he sighed.

"That's what dry cleaners are for," Masao sighed, stretching out.

The look on Jun's face was beautiful and tragic.

They did get up, and slipped back into their yukatas. They had breakfast served to them, and ate quietly, the morning sun over the forest so beautiful from their vantage point. They got dressed. Jun teased Masao about his _dad jeans_ , and how he tucked his shirt in. They gathered their things, and went to check out. Jun added a few souvenirs to their bill, looking guilty.

That made Masao feel guilty.

Their ride back was quiet. For a spell, Masao even thought Jun might have been napping. As they neared the metropolitan area, Jun brushed his fingers against Masao's hand on the gear shift.

"This isn't just sex."

The statement was so plainly put out there, in the middle of their quiet, Masao couldn't even say anything. It was just fact.

"I could continue to pretend, and play word games, and convince myself that it's... it's something that it's not. But we both know what this is." Jun shifted uncomfortably. Masao glanced at him. He looked seriously troubled. "The person you're _just having sex with_ doesn't celebrate your birthday. He doesn't buy you the perfect gift you really wanted but wouldn't have bought yourself. He doesn't whisk you away for a magical overnight trip.

"We both know what this is." Jun ran the back of his fingers over Masao's hand.

This wasn't going well...

Masao squeezed the steering wheel. Neither one of them would say it. Even if they both did know. Not that Masao could just _presume_ Jun's feelings, but he knew his own. He'd never felt like this before. Jun had become as important to him as Hikaru. He was _hopelessly_ in love.

Hopelessly.

It took him a minute to make his tongue work. He didn't want to say this. "You... want to... break up?"

"The fact that we're even talking about _breaking up_ just proves my point," Jun replied, sounding weary. He covered Masao's hand with his, slipping his fingers between Masao's. "I don't want to break up on my birthday, though."

Masao squeezed Jun's hand as best he could, forcing himself to focus on traffic.

* * *

  



	8. August

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


August

* * *

  
Last night had been Jun's deadline, so today, they were just lounging. When he'd first arrived, Jun was still sleepy, and he said he was sore all over, so Masao had given him a full-body massage. That led to them jerking each other off. While Jun showered, Masao made dinner. Which he fed Jun, because Jun was being cute and childish. 

They washed the dishes together, because during the deadline crunch, they had piled up. Jun now had an assistant to help him, so there were two sets of everything. They splashed each other a bit while cleaning, and Jun nearly made Masao drop a mug because of tickling. Afterward, they cuddled up on the couch, though Jun was just randomly flipping through channels. Masao pretended to be annoyed, but he didn't really care. He combed Jun's hair and enjoyed the smell of his shampoo.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Masao blinked. "A date? Like, dinner and a movie?" He smiled. That actually sounded really nice.

"Well, I wouldn't mind," Jun laughed. "But that's not what I meant, really. It's not really a... _date_ date, it's just. A friend of mine from college... not _that_ kind of friend, just to let you know, but a friend from college, not like _your_ definition, but a friend from college is having a gallery show. I was invited to the opening night. It's a really tiny, out of the way gallery, but... I'm not going to know that many people there, so I thought... might be good to go with someone. Just so you know, it's really... out the way and all, and my friend kinda appeals to a _specific_ audience so it's really unlikely you'd run into anyone you know..." Jun turned a bit to look at Masao, so Masao could see how hopeful he looked.

He smiled, and kissed Jun's nose sloppily. "Don't even worry about that. It's completely fine. When is this show?"

"It's on the 28th?" Jun grinned. He looked happy. Really, really happy.

Masao's heart sank. "The... the 28th... of _this_ month?"

"You've already got plans?" Jun sighed. Disappointed.

Masao's mind was scrambling, but... There was only one opening night of a show. And. Only one...

"Don't suppose it's something that you can move?" Jun asked. But, from his tone...

"I'm really, really sorry," Masao said, sounding... he knew it, he sounded more sorry than he should, but.

"What's up? ...You might as well just tell me, I'm already thinking it, you know," he said, trying to sound light and casual, but.

But.

Masao closed his eyes. "Ah. The, uh, the 28th. Is. That's my... anniversary," he tried to say the last word softly, but there was no getting around it.

Jun started to laugh darkly, and he pushed off of Masao's chest, sitting up. "Of _course_ it is. How many years has it been? Or, I guess I should say... will it be?"

Masao didn't want to answer, but he had no choice. "This... this will be our... twentieth. It's our twentieth anniversary."

Jun covered his face, but he was still laughing. Masao felt like just melting in the couch and dying. He should die. " _Twenty_ years. That's a huge milestone. A lot of couples don't make it that long. Twenty whole years... of pretending to be something you're not. You should be so proud."

Masao started to sit up, reaching out to Jun, but Jun avoided his hand. Masao took a deep breath, but it was like the air wouldn't come into him. At least, it felt that way. "Jun, I..."

"You know... that... that wasn't... I don't want to sound bitter. I don't want to say hurtful things. This is _just sex_ , right? We always knew this wasn't permanent. I just." Jun shook his head and looked away.

"You have every right to be bitter. I'm sorry, I wish I could go with you..." Masao started.

"And what will you do? To celebrate this... important day. Will you have a party? All your friends and neighbors, drinking and laughing together?" Jun asked. He couldn't look at Masao.

Masao kept shaking his head, but. This was still happening. "We... we'll just. You know. Go out to dinner."

"Will you dance with her? Do you dance with her? Are there still places to go to dance?" he asked, his body trembling a bit.

"I... I really don't know anything about that," Masao answered. "We danced... at the wedding. I think that was it."

Jun took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tipped his head back. Masao knew it was coming, but...

"We have to end this." It wasn't the first time Jun had said it, but this time, his tone was entirely different. "The longer this goes on... the more we just end up hurting ourselves. So. Even though... it's too late now... we have to end this."

Jun sounded like he was going to cry. Masao wanted to take him in his arms, comfort him. He was the cause of Jun's pain. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I swear, I..."

"It is what it is," Jun said coldly. He looked at Masao with wet, steely eyes. "You should go."

Masao's heart broke. He nodded slowly, slipping away to stand up. "I know. I..." His voice broke. He didn't have the right. He wasn't allowed to be the one in pain. He was the cheater, the bastard. He was the one who hurt Jun. He shuffled over to the genkan, sitting down to put on his shoes. This was real. He wanted to escape, to make this _not be happening_. It was inevitable, but that didn't matter at all.

This was painful.

Jun stood up, too, and Masao knew that Jun was behind him. He had never taken so long in all his life to put on his shoes.

"If... if at any time... in all these months... you had ever said _anything_ about wanting to leave her... but I knew all along, otherwise..." Jun sounded awful. Masao had done that to him.

"Would you ask me to?" Masao asked quietly.

"I can't. I'm too afraid. I don't know what you'd say. Or maybe I do know. It's just not something I want to know. I know... I know you feel guilty. And I can't compete with that. Twenty years of accumulated guilt. What you feel for me... doesn't match up," Jun spat out.

"I love you." Masao had to say it. Even if it was too late. It was, too. But.

"Not enough. Not enough to fight off the twenty years of guilt," Jun sighed. "I can't even say that you're wrong. Maybe you should stay with her. Maybe that's... for the _best_. I don't think so, though."

Masao put his face in his hands. He wanted more than anything for... for what? For Jun's friend's show to be on the 27th? So they could postpone this even more? It was just...

Too painful.

He stood up slowly, and got his jacket. He couldn't look at Jun. He felt like he was going to cry, and he was sure he had no right to force his tears on Jun. "I wish... I wish that it was enough. I wish that... I wish a lot of things. I wish that I was a better man for you. I wish that I'd allowed you to make me a better man. I... I just wish that I'd been able to be the one. To make you happy."

His hand was shaking as he grabbed a hold of the door handle. For the last time? He'd never spend another night in this apartment? Never again to laugh with Jun over the dishes, or lounge on the couch, watching strange anime with him? Never watch him with his sketchbook? 

Never?

He turned the handle slowly. He wasn't so much waiting for Jun to say something, but he just couldn't make himself go any faster. He'd never hurt so much in all his life. This was a huge mistake. He should... he should turn around now and...

What? Promise to leave Mitsuko? 

He started to open the door. He needed to say... _goodbye_ , but he couldn't. There was no way he could bring himself to say that word. He never would, even if this _was_ goodbye.

He'd taken only one step outside when Jun called out, "Masao!"

He turned, and got an armful of Jun. They were kissing, passionately, deeply... for the last time. If this really was the last time, Masao wasn't going to let go easily. He clung to Jun, giving him his everything. He didn't care if they were outside, and could be seen. This was going to be his last time here, so. Jun still had to live here, with his neighbors, but. This was it, so...

He could ignore everything. Even the sound of something being dropped, something heavy. Sounded like something broke, possibly. And.

"Shindou, those were my di-"

" _ **Dad!?**_ "

Masao froze. The kiss ended like that, but he was too afraid to turn. No, this was... _it was impossible_. Tokyo was a huge city, and... Right _here_ , right _now_ , just when this was _ending_ , it just...

" _Whatthehellareyoudoingwiththatguy?!_ "

"Oh, _shit_ ," Jun exhaled. 

Masao turned, just slightly. Just enough to see his son, looking... well... like he'd just caught his father with another man. And. There were two other young men, behind him, carrying boxes. One of HIkaru's friends was moving into the empty apartment next to Jun's?

_What the **fuck** were the odds?!_

"DAD! Let go of that guy!" Hikaru hysterically demanded. Suddenly _too_ aware, of everything, Masao let go, and jumped back. Jun... looked terrified. And apologetic. And.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?! _Why were you making out with that guy?!_ "

"For the love of... keep your voice down, son!" Masao begged, looking around. But no, Mitsuko, his father, and his third grade teacher were not also in attendance.

The taller of Hikaru's friends grabbed the shorter one by the neck. "C'mon, let's go inside..."

"I wanna watch!" the shorter once complained, but they went inside, anyway. They forgot the box that Hikaru had dropped.

"Who _is_ this guy?" Hikaru demanded.

"Masao, I'm so sorry," Jun whispered. 

"Masa- What the _hell_ is going on? Have you been screwing this guy? Are you having an affair!?"

" _Please_ keep your voice down," Masao sighed. He looked at Jun. This was the most spectacular break-up ever, huh? He smiled tightly for Jun, and said quietly. "It's ok, go back inside. I'm... I'm sorry."

Jun nodded wordlessly, and looked apologetically at Hikaru. But then he went inside.

Before Hikaru could start shouting again, Masao turned to his son. "Why don't we go someplace we can... we can talk? And _please_... let's not make any more of a scene, ok?"

Hikaru looked furious, but he nodded.

* * *

  
He'd never before contemplated just how much food Hikaru could shove into his mouth at a time. He'd never _had_ to contemplate such a thing. They'd gone to a family-style restaurant that was near Jun's apartment, and Masao had ordered coffee, and Hikaru had ordered half the menu. Which he was doing an admirable job fitting into his mouth all at once. Hamburger, pork cutlet, fried rice... it was all going in together.

It was horrifying, but Masao couldn't stop watching. He also couldn't stomach his coffee, and the too-bright lights of the restaurant were giving him a headache, and his son knew he was a cheating liar, and he'd never see Jun again.

"Try to remember to breathe, son," Masao murmured under his breath. Unfortunately, that just caused Hikaru to pause in his food shovage to glare at him.

This was going to be hard to top as the worst day of his life.

Finally, Hikaru swallowed everything without funneling more in, took a long gulp of his drink, slammed the glass down, and stared at his father.

" _Well?_ "

Masao swallowed hard, his stomach flipping. "I'm sorry. I'm truly... it's... it's _over_ , so..."

Hikaru narrowed his eyes. "Who the hell was that guy? Why were you with him? How long has this been going on?"

Rubbing his forehead, Masao tried to make the world stop spinning by closing his eyes, but that just seemed to make the vertigo worse. "He's... like I said, it's over, so it's... it's not important..." He was the person Masao treasured more than just about anyone else, the person he loved and desired. But it was over. "I think you can probably guess the reason. It's.. it's been a few... well, several months now..."

" _Months?_ " Hikaru paled. If anything, he looked even angrier. "Does mom know?"

" _Why_ would your mother know?" Masao sighed.

"It affects her!" Hikaru looked outraged. On his mother's behalf.

He was a good man.

"I mean, like... diseases, and stuff like that... just... her husband is... is doing these things! She's definitely affected!" Hikaru was flustered.

But, right. "It's... not possible for me to have passed any diseases onto her," he sighed. He hoped Hikaru wouldn't pry into the reason why. "And like I said, it's over now."

" _Now_. Because I found out?" 

"No," Masao shook his head. Sadness washed over him, and nearly choked him. It would do no good to cry now. Tears would be meaningless, at any time. He just had to shoulder on. "No, he... he's not normally the type to be involved with a married man. It just caught up with us." He couldn't look Hikaru in the eye. His high-minded son...

"Are you gay?" Hikaru's voice was piercing, and shame washed over Masao. He looked around nervously.

"Son, please keep your voice down," he begged. There weren't many patrons, and there wasn't anyone directly next to them, so probably it was ok...

"Are you ashamed of being gay?" Hikaru asked, this time with extra edge to his voice.

Masao was going to reply, but he looked into his son's eyes, and he recognized the feeling there. He never wanted his son to feel that way. "It's not like that. I'm not ashamed of..." but he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. To his own flesh and blood. "I'm ashamed of being a liar and a fraud. I'm ashamed of what... what I put your mother through. And what I'm putting you through now.

"I don't think there's anything shameful about homosexuality. And I'm especially not ashamed of you, or Akira-kun. You should know that." He wasn't reproaching Hikaru, though he probably took it that way. It was more just a _truth_ he needed to express.

He could never be ashamed of his own son.

Hikaru took a deep breath and sat back, looking away. "If you're gay, then why did you ever get married in the first place?"

"Son..." Masao sighed, and rubbed his eyes. "It's not like... for me, growing up... I..." He took a deep breath, realizing that Hikaru was close to his grandfather. This was a conversation littered with landmines. "It was different, when I was your age, than it is now. Or, different for me than it is for you. There was never any chance that I could... I could never have... brought... brought someone home..." He shook his head. He didn't know what to say. The truth was the truth, right?

He was a coward, and a habitual liar. He could make pretty excuses, and say his father and the world forced him to become the way he was, but Hikaru was never forced to be anything he wasn't. His son was a better man that he was. It made him proud to know that, and ashamed to know that his son knew the reverse.

"So... this has been going on... all the time? You, cheating on mom?" Hikaru asked, sounding petulant. Upset.

Masao looked him in the eye. "This is the _first time_ , I swear. I mean. This... I've... there have been _times_ , _extremely_ isolated occurances when I've... _slipped_ , but this is the first relationship I've ever..." The first time in his life he'd ever fallen in love. And it was over.

" _Isolated_ occurances? What does that mean? How many times since you got married?" Hikaru pressed.

Masao felt cornered. In the face of his son's directness, he had no choice. "It's... three times... or... no, I guess four..." Five, if he counted the two times with Kinjou-kun separately, but _five_ sounded much worse than four.

Damn it.

Hikaru looked upset. He just stared at Masao for a while, until the waitress came back to their table. She cheerfully asked if they needed anything while clearing all of Hikaru's plates. Masao was about to say that they were fine, when Hikaru spit out an order for three separate desserts. 

Once she left, Masao shook his head. "I can't believe you're still eating."

"Something wrong with that?" Hikaru shot back.

"N-no..." Masao replied, startled.

Hikaru narrowed his eyes. "Do you even care about our family?"

Masao felt cut in half. "No, I... of course I do, I love you, so much. And your mother. I mean. She's. There's no woman I admire more than her, honestly, I..."

"You don't love her," Hikaru half asked and half stated, with all the pain of a child whose mother has been wronged.

Masao couldn't speak for a moment. He looked down at his coffee. "If you mean... I'm not _in love_ with her... no... I'm not _capable_ of..." he trailed off. He was making excuses.

"You have to tell her."

Masao covered his face with his hands. Of course, to Hikaru, it was that simple. Mitsuko deserved the truth, no matter how uselessly it would hurt her. "No, son, look..."

"If you don't tell her, I will," Hikaru bluntly stated.

"No..." Masao weakly protested. 

The waitress came back with Hikaru's desserts. Masao smiled at her, defeated.

Hikaru started to stab at his food, but rather than shoveling it into his mouth, he just looked like he wanted to kill it. 

"I can't tell her, son," Masao pled his case. "It will only hurt her. Like I said, that... that relationship is over, so."

"So, no harm done?" Hikaru glared at his father. "But you don't love her."

"No, it's not like that, it's..." Masao began.

"She's married to a gay man. Shit." Hikaru picked up a huge spoonful of ice cream and swallowed it down.

Masao wanted to cry. "Just... just let me handle it, ok? It's really... between the two of us. I... I never wanted to hurt your mother. It's true, I can't... I don't love her like a husband should love his wife, but I. I provide for her, and I... it's my duty to protect her."

"You've been sleeping with another man. That's not protecting her from anything."

There was no answer to that. Hikaru huffed after a moment, and went back to shoveling food into his mouth angrily. Masao watched, having lost all confidence and all strength. His son knew everything, so naturally he hated him. He felt sick.

He was never going to see Jun again.

"I'm glad it wasn't Kitano-san."

Masao blinked. " _What?_ "

"You know. You were with that guy in college." Hikaru thoughtfully took in another spoonful.

" _What?_ What are you... you... knew?" Masao stuttered.

Hikaru almost laughed. Almost. "Well. I never really thought about it before. And when I thought about... well. I would then stop thinking about it. But you guys shared an apartment, right? So that was like... like..."

Masao shook his head. This was surreal. "No, that was just... we were just kids. It was never like... never like you and Akira-kun."

"But it's like that with that guy back there?" Hikaru had to press.

Masao hurt. "It... _was_. Like I said... before, and again... it's over." He wasn't sitting up straight. He should be. A man should always sit up straight.

Hikaru was watching him. "You... had a tough time? With grandpa and grandma?"

Masao shook his head, but he was only thinking about Hikaru's relationship with his grandparents. "It's not... you don't need to worry that... You're their grandchild. The rules are different." He smiled sadly at Hikaru. "I was never the son your grandfather wanted. Your grandmother... just wanted me to be... you know, happy, to fit in. They wanted me to get married, be... _normal_. They introduced me to your mother. That's all. It's not. It doesn't affect how they feel about you."

"Grandpa's met Akira. They played go together."

"Well, there you go." Masao chuckled bitterly. "Maybe if I'd learned go, he wouldn't have hated me so much." Hikaru's eyes widened, and Masao shook his head and waved his hands. "Oh, no... that was... I was overstating it..."

"Is that how you felt? That your parents hated you for being gay?" Hikaru asked, a sense of sad wonder in his voice.

"N-no... well... It's..." It wasn't a _feeling_. It was a fact. At least, his father hated him. Masao just sighed. 

"Were you... were you upset when I brought Akira home? Like... I don't know..." Hikaru floundered, trying to figure out what he wanted to say.

Masao cut him off. "I felt such extreme pride and happiness that day. Not only because you'd found someone you loved enough to introduce him to your family, but because you were strong and confident enough to do so. I wish... I wish I could go back in time, and change my ways. If I hadn't... worked such long hours... I know that I didn't have much influence over you. The fact that you've become such a remarkable young man isn't really anything that I can take personal pride in, but. I wish that I could be the sort of man who was worthy of being your father. Then, what happened tonight... would never have happened." 

Hikaru looked shaken. And embarrassed. Well, that was understandable, even though Masao had only told the truth. Hikaru got up suddenly, shaking his head. "I should... get back to Isumi-san. My friend. Who was moving in next door to your... Look, dad. You have to talk to mom."

Masao smiled at him. "Such an honest boy. You really are a testament to your mother. When did you get to have such a strong sense of justice?"

Hikaru flushed, and looked away. "That wasn't... well. Anyway." He took a deep breath and walked away.

Masao watched him go, his chest feeling tight.

The waitress came up and smiled shyly. "Looks like he ate half the kitchen and then stuck you with the bill."

Masao smiled at her like he'd smile at any of the women in the secretarial pool. "Oh, well. He's my son. He's allowed."

"Is everything ok? You haven't even touched your coffee?" she asked, concerned.

Masao shook his head, trying to think clearly. "Oh, no, it's... it's fine... we..." Why was he talking about this with her? "I guess we've had a bit of a falling out. I've become a huge disappointment to him."

She looked at him sympathetically. "...Sons have a hard time on the day they realize their fathers are just men. He'll get over it."

"I hope so," Masao murmured. 

She put the bill down. "Don't worry, he will. After all, he's just a man, too."

* * *

  
It had been over a week since he'd last seen Jun. He thought, a million times, about sending him a text to apologize for the scene at his apartment, or explain... _something_... but days passed, and it became _too late_. The 28 th came, and Arakawa-san chased him out of work so he could get home early and dress for dinner, shoving flowers and chocolates into his arms. As he drove home, he glanced at them, wondering if Arakawa-san knew Mitsuko's favorite flowers, and how sad it was that he had nothing to do with making the dinner reservation or buying the gift. 

Mitsuko deserved better.

He took a shower and got dressed, wearing his finest suit. He'd never worn this for Jun, because it wasn't the kind of suit he wore to the office. Jun would have loved it, though. He got lost in thought, caressing the fabric at his sleeve, thinking about Jun, until Mitsuko jarred him.

She had a new dress, very pretty, nice silhouette, and new shoes. They had a higher heel than she normally wore. Her hair had been done, too. He pulled on her waist just as she was getting into the car and kissed her cheek, telling her she looked beautiful.

The surprise on her face made him feel guilty. 

They had a window seat saved in a restaurant so high up in the sky, if the night was clear they could have seen Mt. Fuji. A sommelier came to suggest wine, and Masao insisted that Mitsuko have at least a glass. He ordered appetizer, soup, dinner, and dessert for them both. The meal took a long time, each course being brought out with flair, and enough time between courses for them not to feel bloated. They capped it all off with an espresso. As always, it was easy to chat with Mitsuko, because she told him stories about Hikaru, and the Fujisaki girl, who was apparently doing well in college but her mother worried since she insisted on getting an apartment and she was quite serious about her boyfriend.

It was all so cozy and familial.

The valet brought their car at the end of the night, and Masao gallantly helped Mitsuko into her seat. It was drizzling when they left the restaurant, but by the time he was pulling into their street, it was raining quite steadily, and once he pulled into their driveway, the heavens appeared to open to dump torrents of water on them.

He looked up at the sky, turning the car off. Sighing, he smiled at his wife. "Of course this would happen just as we're about to get out of the car. Why don't we wait a minute, see if it lets up?"

"It can't last," Mitsuko agreed, smiling. She pulled her shrug around her shoulders more firmly. "I actually like the sound. Isn't it pretty?"

"You've always had a great skill at finding the good in any situation," Masao grinned.

She took a deep breath, and shrugged. "Well, I've been very lucky. If something truly bad had ever happens, I'd be able to see it."

Masao chuckled a bit. "If that's the case, then I'm happy. I certainly don't want anything truly bad to happen to you. But it surprises me to hear you describe yourself in such a way."

"You know what surprises me?" she asked with a devilish grin. "That you've never asked me for a divorce."

The rain pounded down on the car, streaming over the glass. Masao's heart pounded, and then he closed his eyes, and let his head fall down onto the steering wheel. 

"Oh... god. Hikaru... has talked to you," he sighed.

Mitsuko laughed a bit. "He was so serious! At one point, I thought he might start crying. I wondered how I could console him."

"Oh... I'm sorry. Mitsuko, I'm so sorry. I'm just... I'm _so_ sorry," he sighed, shaking his head, pressing his forehead against the wheel. He couldn't look at her. It seemed like the torrent outside was trying to drown out all the excess. All he could hear was her voice and his own heart beating hard.

"Stop it," she shushed him. "I've been thinking about it, and I realized that... if I'd heard such news... a year ago... or even nine months ago, I would have felt very differently. I was trying to pinpoint exactly what was the difference... I can think of a few things, really. But most of all... well, let's be honest, dear. It's not like I didn't already know."

Masao groaned, and that clearly amused Mitsuko.

She continued on in good cheer. "I think back to Hikaru bringing Akira-kun home to meet us. And how... straight his back was, and how clear his voice was. At the time, I really didn't know how to react. The mother in me wanted to argue with him, or... I don't really know. But before I said a word, I looked at you. Your eyes were just shining with pride, and you greeted Akira-kun as if... as if he were some girl that Hikaru had fallen for. And I realized then. How _hard_ it had been for you."

He sighed, and turned so he could look at his wife.

She gave him a sympathetic smile. "I know better than probably anyone, really, _how_ hard it's been. I remember... more than twenty years ago now," she chuckled. "My aunt asking me to meet a young man who was her _best friend's_ son. Oh, and _Mitsuko, he's just a splendid young man, and so handsome! He's in danger of going down the wrong path in life, so he just needs a good woman to keep him moving straight ahead._ That's what I was told. I was expecting someone with a mohawk or at least purple hair."

_That_ at least made him smile, for a moment.

"I really didn't have any idea what my aunt meant, not until our wedding. Your _friend_ , Kitano-san, kept glaring daggers at me. If looks could kill, I would died right there at our reception. I felt so triumphant when I smiled at him as we went up to the wedding suite. But that didn't go very well, did it?" she laughed.

He groaned and closed his eye again, rubbing his forehead into the wheel.

"Most of the women's magazines I read advised young wives how to cope with their husband's sex drive. I actually thought at the time that I was a bit lucky that I didn't have to cope with that! But the day we got pregnant, the relief on your face was pretty apparent. I know you would have been happy with a daughter, but when we found out we were having a son, I could tell. You were so grateful that your obligation was finished."

"But, you wanted more children," he sighed, regretful. He would have liked to have had a bigger family, too, if there had been another way to achieve that.

"No, I mean, I would have been happy to have more, but that wasn't it." He looked at her, quizzically, from behind his hand on the wheel. "You don't remember, do you? Hikaru was... oh, wasn't he about two or three? And that damned Kitano-san... he bought that _ridiculous_ boat. And every chance he got, he was dragging you out to the marina to work on it, or take it out sailing."

"Wait a second..." Masao lifted his head just a bit. "There was never anything... I mean, after we were married, I _never_... with Natsuo... that was in the past!" Hikaru had mentioned him, too! So strange...

"I know. Or, well, I hoped that I knew," she smiled at him. "But I also knew that if he could have stolen you from me, he would have, in a heartbeat."

"He was married!" Masao complained.

"So were you!" she winked. "It wouldn't have stopped him. I thought, if he tries to convince you that you had fulfilled your duty to me and to your parents, and it was time for you to do as you pleased, well... I'd be left behind as a single mother. I was scared, Masao. And... you were so happy when Hikaru was a baby. Rushing home every day to feed him and play with him and give him his bath. You'd read him stories going to bed. You were such a good father. I mistakenly thought at the time that if you had another baby to fawn over, I could tie you down better. Instead... you just started to work eighty hours a week."

"Oh, Mitsuko... I would _never_ have left you a single parent," he sighed.

"I know now. I feel foolish admitting it to you. But you know what? We're not those scared kids anymore. Our son is grown, and he has a good, well-paying career he's actually quite good at. He's living with the person he loves. He's an adult. And we're not so old that we need to be put on the shelf. We can still be happy, Masao. There's no reason why we shouldn't be happy," she pled with him.

He shook his head. "No, that's not... I never wanted... wait." He sat up, running what she just said through his head again. He looked at her, astonished. "You've... you've met someone!"

She blushed, and looked away. "I haven't broken any vows!" she complained.

"But you _have_ met someone!" He didn't know why the idea sounded so strange. Mitsuko was a lovely, caring, good woman. Why shouldn't she meet someone who would appreciate and love her? He wracked his brain, and the answer seemed so obvious, he felt like a fool. "That _florist!_ " he sighed.

Mitsuko's face was adorably bright red. "His name is Hara-san... and it's not really like..."

"I'm so relieved!" he laughed, leaning back. He looked up through the moon roof and smiled. "I've never been a good husband to you, not even for a moment. As you so painfully reminisced... But you've always been a perfect wife. So generous and so kind... I've always just wanted to do right by you as much as I could, but I've... I've been such a failure, this year particularly. But. _You should be loved._ You should be appreciated and adored! I'm so happy for you." He turned to look at her, beaming. "So? Tell me all about him?"

"So you can steal him from me?" she pouted. 

He groaned, and covered his face again, causing her to burst out laughing.

She took a deep breath, and looked out the window. "He's... he's a bit older than us. He's fifty-six. But still quite spry, and... well, _attractive_. Very elegant. I've always liked an elegant man," she teased him. "He's very gentle. And a great conversationalist. At first, I just thought he was so kind to be willing to chat and listen, but... things just sort of _continued_. He's a widower, and his three children are all grown." She shrugged, and smiled at Masao.

"You're in love. That's fantastic," he smiled right back.

"From what I understand, so are _you_ ," she raised an eyebrow at him.

He reached out to caress her cheek. She covered his hand, smiling beatifically at him. "No, that's... that's already over. But I'm. I'm so glad... that we got this all... all, well, _out_. I won't stand in your way, and I'll make sure you're always taken care of, Mitsuko."

"I know," she sighed, rubbing his hand. "Masao... be happy, too."

* * *

  



	9. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


September

* * *

  
His mother held the door open as he carried in the box. "Thank you," he smiled at her. She seemed smaller than the last time he saw her, but that was a trick of the mind, he was sure. It had been a long time since he'd been home.

"Don't think anything of it," his mother assured him.

"Are you sure you don't mind storing these?" Masao asked her. 

"Don't be silly!" she laughed. "Your room is mostly empty now."

"I haven't lived here in over two decades," he chuckled. "I don't think it's really _my_ room anymore."

"And you're not moving back in!" his father yelled out from the veranda. 

Masao narrowed his eyes, and bit the inside of his lip to keep from saying anything. He followed his mother to the room that used to be his. His mother was now using it as a sewing room. His mother cleared a few things to make more room for him. "It's all right. I don't have much."

"It must be difficult, separating all your things after so long," she sighed.

"Not really," he smiled. "Most everything in the house is something Mitsuko picked out. I don't have any reason to take things like that from her."

"Is it really all right? Where you're staying? Just ignore your father, if you need to come home..." she offered, worrying.

"No, no, it's fine," he shook his head. Coming back to live with his father... there was absolutely no way. "It's basically a hotel."

"What about food? Are you eating?" his mother pressed.

"Do I look like I'm starving?" Masao laughed. He went over and squeezed his mother's shoulder. "Don't worry so much! You'll get wrinkles."

His mother frowned at him, and sighed. "Well, come home sometime and let me feed you. I'll feel better if I can see you eat with my own eyes. You should stay for dinner today!"

"Oh, no, I... I already have some plans..." That was a lie. He was good at it, wasn't he? "And don't worry," he rushed on. "I won't be taking up space here for long. I'm looking for a place of my own, it's just, well, with work and all..." he smiled brightly. That was another lie. He wasn't too busy to find a place. It was just too depressing. He kept looking for apartments near Jun's place... 

"You're a worrisome boy. You always have been! If you need more space, you know, it's really fine. There's always that old storehouse..." his mother began.

Masao waved his mother off. "No, no, it's not necessary. Besides, that place is haunted."

"Oh, Masao," his mother laughed. "You don't really believe that!"

"It's true! I heard it moaning when I was a child!" he shivered a bit. No one ever believed him!

He finished bringing in his boxes. There were only three all together, anyway. He fit them away so they wouldn't bother his mother, as much as possible. When he was done, he found his mother in the kitchen, preparing tea. She turned to smile at him. "Did you get everything? Are you sure there's nothing else?"

"It's fine," he assured her. "Thank you for the use of the space. I promise, it won't be for too long."

"Take as long as you need," she immediately replied. 

"Don't tell him that," his father interjected. He pushed past Masao, and sat down at the table. "He'll clutter the whole damned house up with his junk!"

"You don't need to worry yourself, father," Masao sighed. "I've brought all the junk I intend to bring."

"Getting divorced at your age... it's so shameful! You know, all the guys I drink with were at your wedding! They're all asking me how to get back the money they spent on you!" he grumbled.

"I'm sure you can give them just as much hell in reply," Masao sighed.

"Sit down and join us for tea," his mother begged him.

"No, I'm sure he's got to go out and chase after some boys," his father spat out.

"Hey!" Masao objected.

"I'm not surprised Mitsuko found herself a real man. It's just surprising that it took her so long. Even a geezer is better than what she had, it seems," he glared at Masao. "We found you a good woman! And you were too much of a pansy to know what to do with her. It's disgusting."

" _Heihachi!_ " his mother chastized. "That's completely uncalled for!"

"You _did_ find me a good woman," Masao agreed, his voice bitter. "I certainly wouldn't have found her myself."

"That goes without saying!" his father barked.

"Anyone _I_ would have found for _myself_ wouldn't have been welcome in this house, right? So I made the mistake of trying to make _you_ happy. Fortunately, that's not a mistake I plan to continue to make," Masao finished coldly. 

"You ungrateful brat!" his father spit out. "You were lucky we gave enough of a damn!"

" _Heihachi!_ " his mother yelled. "That's _enough!_ "

"It's hard to really believe you're my son. If I had to have a son like you, getting a _daughter_ would have been better," his father sneered.

Masao's eye twitched. "I am your son. Unfortunately. Hikaru told me that you played go with Akira-kun. Wasn't that fun for you? Being related to and spending so much time with gay men... all your own flesh and blood."

"You filthy bastard! Scum!" his father jumped to his feet. "Faggot!" 

"Heihachi! For the love of... stop it!" his mother pled.

"I'm sorry, mother. I'm just causing trouble. I'll take my leave," he nodded to her.

"Too late! And don't be in any hurry to come back! Disgrace!" his father screamed.

"Wait!" his mother called after him, but he was already halfway out the door.

He was shaking. He'd actually declared himself to be gay right in front of his parents. He was forty-two years old and that was the first time he'd ever done that! If he lasted that long, why did he ever need to say it?! Plus, he spoke back to his father so bitterly. This was awful. That was no way for a son to behave, no matter what the provocation! Just what had gotten into him!?

"Masao, wait!"

He stopped dead in his tracks. He'd been so wrapped up in his thoughts, he hadn't realized that his mother was following him. 

She caught up to him and huffed. "Don't make an old woman run after you!" she complained.

"Who's old?" he joked weakly.

"Don't mind your father," she sighed. "He... he's really fond of Mitsuko. He shouldn't have said..."

"You don't need to make excuses, mom," Masao smiled. "It's not like I expected him to be happy for me. Well, after all, it's not something worth being happy over. Oh, though Mitsuko is going to remarry, so... _that's_ something to be happy about."

"She's fast..." his mother sighed. "Masao, you know... if there's someone you've found for yourself... I _would_ like to meet him. I know bringing him home might be a little... but I'd love to go to lunch with you or even come to your place. Well, once you have your own place."

Masao flushed, and looked away. It was... a bit much for him to take in all at once. Actually, he couldn't take it in at all. His mother was offering to meet... "Ah... but... no, there isn't... there isn't anyone like that. An-anymore."

"What happened?" she asked quietly, leaning in.

This was beyond embarrassing. "It's. No. It was... never... it's just. He... It ended. He... didn't get involved with married men."

"Mmm," his mother was evaluating him, it felt like. "I don't want to say too much, but... I'm fairly sure all the ruckus back there was due to the fact that you _aren't_ married anymore."

He thought he might turn purple. "Ah... well... that's..."

She reached out and squeezed his arm. "In any case... I just want you to know. Back then... I really did think... I know, _now_ , that I was wrong, but I really did think that having a wife and a family would be what would make you happiest. That's all I wanted, Masao. For you to be happy. So if there's someone who makes you happy... I definitely want to meet him. Got it?"

She was smiling at him. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, mom. I got it."

* * *

  



	10. October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


October

* * *

  
Masao was playing with his wedding ring again, turning it round and round. Arakawa-san had just left, and Kinjou-kun and Ozaki were still fluttering around his desk.

He had a headache.

"Boss, you don't look well." Ozaki set a mug of something warm next to him, and from the smell, it was probably some very nice tea. Just, not in a teacup. "And you're still playing with that! Even though your wife already left you," she finished sadly.

Kinjou-kun was watching him. Smiling placidly, Masao put his hands in his lap. "It's just a habit, it seems."

"Boss, you're way too nice! It's hard to believe any woman would leave you! You're still so handsome, and you're successful... It's just crazy! I can't understand a woman like that at all!" Ozaki huffed.

"Now, now. Please don't speak ill of the mother of my child," Masao warned her gently.

Ozaki made a face, and then she beamed. She put her hands down on the desk, leaning over. He averted his eyes. "Boss! Come out drinking with us after work! There's no excuse not to! Having a raucous night out is just what you need to put it all behind you!" She looked so bright and hopeful.

She _was_ ambitious. Becoming a trophy second wife was better than working for a living, he supposed. "I'll pass. I have too much work at the moment, according to Arakawa-san," he genially declined.

"Sometimes, boss, you act like it's Arakawa-san who's running this department," Ozaki frowned.

"She's doing a great job, too, don't you think?" he laughed, being completely serious.

Ozaki giggled. "Boss, you're really too nice! Your wife will end up regretting letting you go!"

"I don't think so," he laughed. "She's quite clever. And you have no idea what I'm like at home," he winked at her.

She was giggling as she left the office. Yes, Kinjou-kun was still hovering at his elbow.

Masao looked at the boy and raised an eyebrow. "Was there still something I could do for you, Kinjou-kun?"

"There was a rumor going around that you'd gotten a divorce, but I didn't think it was actually true. Your wife left you?" he asked, sounding a bit too...

Eager?

Masao sighed, and rubbed his forehead. "We agreed to divorce, yes. Of course people are talking about it. I had to file a change of address form." There was no such thing as a secret in a high school or a corporation.

Kinjou-kun put a hand on Masao's shoulder. Masao looked at the offending hand. "Going out to drink with slutty secretaries won't do anything to cheer you up. Why don't you come home with me tonight? I'll cook for you," Kinjou-kun offered, every bit as _ambitious_ as Ozaki.

Masao brushed Kinjou-kun's hand away with disgust. "As I've already said, Arakawa-san has already arranged my plans for tonight. I've been meaning to tell you this, but don't you think the space between manager and employee has gotten too small between us? You need to be more mindful of your position. You have a future in this company, but not if you continue this sort of disruptive behavior."

Kinjou-kun looked rattled. But that was good. This conversation was long overdue. Masao had mistakenly believed the kid would take a hint, and back off on his own. Since that didn't happen, it was past time for Masao to speak up. "Shindou-san... ah... it's, I know, this is the office, and the door is open, even. My apologies. I know how much appearances matter to you."

Masao's eye twitched. Appearances matted to him? _Kinjou-kun_ knew that about him?

"I'll be more discreet, of course," he continued, lowering his voice. "But, I'd really like to be able to spend some time with you again. Especially now... that you're free..."

Bitterness washed over Masao. He reacted from his spite. "You're making a nuisance of yourself, can't you tell? You can't be so hard up for companionship that you have to keep knocking on a locked door. The mistakes that I made in the past won't be repeated. Try to be more aware of the signals."

"Y-you don't mean that!" Kinjou-kun burst out.

"We're in the office," Masao admonished.

"I-I'm sorry, but..." Kinjou-kun looked around, desperate. "Shindou-san, please don't say things like _mistakes_. There's no way I could ever think of those times as mistakes. P-please... let me just have a bit of your time, and..."

"The person I'd want to share my time with isn't you," Masao sighed. Unconsciously, he started to fiddle with his ring again. 

" _You_ went out of your way for me. _We_ made a connection. I'm not imagining these things! Please, don't say cruel things just to make a point. I-I don't want to be a nuisance. I think this is something we should discuss outside the office," Kinjou-kun wheedled.

Masao rubbed his forehead, trying to block Kinjou-kun from his view. "Just, stop it. I'm sorry that I allowed you to misunderstand things. I should have realized that you were more naive than I. I don't see those past _encounters_ as anything other than _purely physical_. It was my mistake, entirely, as your superior. I should not have allowed it to happen. For that, I am truly sorry."

"Stop saying that!" Kinjou-kun cried out.

"You're creating a scene!" Masao sighed. "You need to go back to your desk. Tonight, just go out and get drunk and meet someone new. If you let yourself move past this, you'd be surprised how quickly you could forget about it all. It worked for me."

"I'll _never_ forget!"

It happened quickly, too quickly for Masao to react properly. He'd already limited his view of Kinjou-kun, after all. And Kinjou-kun's hand moved fast. He grabbed what might well have been the first thing he could reach on Masao's desk, and struck with it. Masao saw it coming in time to deflect the blow, but that was all. Before he could consider where Kinjou-kun had been aiming, there was the searing pain. Masao screamed, and covered his eye with his hand. He fell out of his chair, the pain was so great, and his hand was wet. There was something... _large_... it was _in_ his eye. He screamed for Arakawa-san. He just screamed. His had was so wet. Was that blood? He couldn't see.

Arakawa-san came in with someone else. There was more screaming, and Arakawa-san barked out that someone had to call for an ambulance. She came to his side, and held onto his arm. She was saying something but Masao couldn't hear. The pain and the wetness was too much.

Was that really blood?

* * *

  
He should have considered this sooner, but this was a bad idea. First of all, Jun wouldn't want to see him. He realized that, but he wanted... or maybe _needed_... to see Jun. But. The very reason he'd been avoiding this was exactly why this was a bad idea. What if Jun already had someone new? What if he slammed the door in Masao's face?

Also, what if he ran into his son again? 

He was getting dizzy, though. He raised his hand and knocked. And then he got confused. Should he step back or keep knocking...? Wait, wasn't that a strange thing to be confused by?

The door opened, and Jun peeked out. "Yes? Can I... Masao? What's going... Shit, what happened to your eye?!"

Masao lifted his hand to his face. Right, the bandage. "Ah..."

"In any case, it's cold out there. Come on in," Jun offered, stepping aside.

Masao stepped inside Jun's apartment, and took a deep breath. This felt so good. "I'm sorry... for just... showing up."

"You don't sound good. C'mon, let's get you seated." Jun took his coat and then shepherded him to the couch. The table in the living room was a bit different, and the couch was at a different angle. It was messy with artwork, but Masao was pretty sure there was an order to it all, based on the sense of progression of the art in the piles.

Ah, and the lightbox he got Jun... Jun was still using it.

"I'm sorry... for intruding."

"Never mind that," Jun sighed. "Can I get you something to drink? Or eat? You look really pale."

"Well..." Masao started, but his head swam. "No, thanks. I... they gave me a lot of drugs."

"Cataract surgery?" Jun asked.

Masao started to laugh. Wait, no, he had to reply, it was just. "No, no, it's nothing like that..."

"Is your eye ok?" Jun asked. 

"No," Masao sighed wearily. "It's gone."

"It's... _what?_ " Jun was horrified. That almost made Masao laugh.

Masao took a deep breath. "It's gone. I was stabbed. In the eye. With a... with a _letter opener_. My own, no less," he smiled weakly. 

Jun just stared at him. "You should... you should have one of those blunt letter openers. Much safer."

Masao really wanted to laugh. "Well, I don't want to see _that_ one ever again..."

" _Who_ stabbed you?!" Jun asked, touching Masao's cheek.

"Oh... my underling..." Masao drifted off. Actually, he wondered what happened to Kinjou-kun. Did they know he was the one who did it? Masao sort of remembered talking to a police officer in the hospital, but. He couldn't remember what the man said.

"You should have given him a raise," Jun said sympathetically.

"He wanted me to fuck him," Masao dryly replied.

"Oh, _that_ underling," Jun figured it out. "You're not very good at saying no, are you?"

"I was telling him no when he stabbed me," Masao explained.

"Are you sure you're ok? You really do look pale..." Jun fussed.

"They... wanted me to spend the night in the hospital, but I was getting more and more anxious the longer I was there. I just wanted to get out. They made me sign some paper or something, about going against orders..." he sighed. It really all blurred together. "I told them... I was going home to my family... so I got a cab. And then I gave him your address. S-sorry."

"Idiot," Jun admonished affectionately. "But what about your wife? Does she know about all this?"

Masao furrowed his brow and sighed. He played with his ring. "This is where this all started. It's habit, you know? I never took it off. Not even when I met you, and I should have." He twisted his ring, and then he started to pull it off. Either his fingers were rubbery and hard to use or it was stuck, but... eventually, he got the ring off. He looked at it, and then put it in Jun's hand. And he closed Jun's hand over it. "We were talking about my ring when it started... I mean. That's not. Right _before_ , that's what I mean. Right before the stabbing..." He sighed. Jun looked horribly confused. He was being confusing. Oh, right, the most important part... "I'm divorced."

"You're... _what?_ When did _that_ happen!? It's only been a month or so since..." Jun squeezed the ring in his hand.

Masao stared at Jun's hand. "It's been six weeks. Since I last saw you. It was just a few weeks ago that the divorce was finalized. It was all... really simple. Amicable. I guess that's the word."

Jun was shaking his head. "You... you... _Idiot!_ " He stared at the ring in his hand, and then set that aside carefully on the table. He then grabbed Masao by the shirt. " _Idiot!_ If you got divorced, why didn't you come to me immediately! You should have come _right here_ as soon as the ink was dry! Before you even filed it... as soon as you'd decided! Why didn't you come to _me?_ " Jun cried.

Masao put his hands on Jun's wrists, steading himself. "I... I was ashamed. And afraid. The divorce... wasn't my idea. It was Mitsuko's. She... that's not important. I thought... I thought you might not want to see me again. It should have been me, choosing you first, I just... I was too afraid."

Jun threw his arms around Masao and clung to him. "Idiot! Moron! What the hell... if you hadn't been stabbed in the eye, would you have _ever_ told me? You should have come back on your knees and begged me to take you back, no matter what!"

"I know. Wait. I-I can still beg..." he couldn't get on his knees with Jun in his arms, but.

"There's no time for that!" Jun sighed. He pulled back, and brushed his fingers through Masao's hair. "I guess it means something that you came straight to me after something like _this_..." He ran his fingers over the edge of the bandage. "Do you mind if I take a look?"

Masao half-turned his head. "Mm. It's... it's got to look really gross..." he sighed.

"So vain!" Jun kissed his forehead, right next to the tape for the bandage. "Still so vain, huh?"

"Don't tease me now!" Masao complained softly.

"Of course I'll tease you now! Idiot. You're such an idiot." Jun was practically in his lap now, putting soft kisses all around the bandage. Masao took a hold of his waist, anchoring himself. Or Jun. Or, both? "Let me just peek..." Jun's fingers peeled delicately at the tape, pulling it back enough to see.

"Th-they said they could fit me with a glass eye tomorrow. But I... I thought about my great uncle who would pop his eye out at family functions and plop it in his sake cup, to freak the kids out. I said I'd prefer an eyepatch, so they... they sewed it up. They said it would heal over, like I'd never had an eye there... eventually. ...It looks really bad, doesn't it? Wow. I'm actually literally disfigured," he sighed, his stomach doing a flip.

This was bad.

Jun put the bandage back in place. He kissed the bandage, and then Masao's cheek, and then his lips... Masao tried to hold onto the kiss, but Jun pulled back. "I can't believe someone could do this to you. I can't even imagine... it's like something out of a manga. The kind of manga where people keep losing eyes. I mean."

"It might be kind of hard, given the circumstances, but can we... move away from the topic of losing eyes for a bit? I just..." Masao took a deep breath, and closed his remaining eye. He wondered how long it would take to get used to all this. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Jun."

"It's not your fault this happened," Jun said quickly, his voice hard. "Even if you shouldn't have slept with that brat, this is...!"

"No, I'm sorry I didn't come straight to you. I'm sorry I didn't... I should have... when I... when we... instead of breaking up, I should have said I'd leave Mitsuko. I should have, at the time, I knew I should have, and. I was a coward. You deserve better." Masao dug his fingers into Jun's side. 

"Idiot," Jun replied lovingly. "You really do look pale. I think you need to get some sleep. Should you take a bath? Your shirt is all rumpled and filthy. What is this... blood?"

"Blood and eye juice, probably. I had eye juice all over my hand," Masao said miserably.

"That is so gross," Jun shook his head.

"I _know_ ," Masao replied.

"You should at least have a quick soak. And then get to bed. Is it ok to just sleep on a futon tonight? I mean, the couch is fairly comfortable..."

"I want to be with you," Masao said firmly.

Jun kissed him softly in reply. "C'mon." He took Masao by the hands. "Let's get you washed up."

He let Jun lead him down the hallway to the bath. He undressed Masao, though he didn't take the same care with Masao's ruined clothes that he normally did. He ran the bath nice and hot, and wiped down Masao's body before he helped him get in. Jun took off his own shirt, too, but he didn't get in, just sat down next to the bath, his arm hanging into the water. Masao leaned as closely to Jun as he could. 

"So, you're going to wear an eyepatch? Like a pirate?" 

Masao tried to smile. Actually, maybe he was already smiling. "Well. I can't go around with my empty eye showing."

"What would people _think?_ " Jun teased him, caressing his skin lazily.

" _Why_ do people think I'm so wrapped up in appearances?" Masao sighed, stretching out a bit. He wanted to take Jun's hand. It was somewhat silly, though. Holding hands in the bath.

"I wonder," Jun laughed softly. "Why would you think they wouldn't think that?"

"I don't... want to be the same person anymore," Masao sighed. He only had to close one eye. It felt strange.

"Changing yourself isn't easy," Jun smiled ruefully. "You're not so bad the way you are."

"But... I'd like to be better. You know, it's still hard for me to say out loud. That I'm. Ah. You know."

"Gay?" Jun finished for him.

"That's the word. You know, I had a fight with my parents. I guess I came out to them. I think my mother wants to meet you." Masao sighed. He felt warm. It was a good feeling.

Jun chuckled softly. "That's a bit scary!"

"And sort of nice..." Masao ran his fingers along Jun's arm.

"Mm. It's a little hard to believe. You're here... in my bathtub, again. It was not so long ago that I was missing you, and now you're here... talking about introducing me to your parents..."

"Just my mother," Masao corrected. "You wouldn't want to meet my father. Not unless you can play go. You were missing me?"

Jun laughed, and pulled his hand back a bit. "Not so long ago. I didn't mean tonight."

"I was missing you. Tonight, this afternoon, this morning..." Masao sighed.

"Such a romantic. Words like that don't suit you all that well." Jun grinned, leaning over the bath a bit.

"They don't? I don't say romantic things to you? Why not?" Masao mused. He wanted to touch Jun...

"Maybe... they're unnecessary? Maybe we were just afraid before. Just sex."

"Not anymore."

"True. We don't have to lie about it anymore. We can be as romantic and goofy as we like. It still seems strange, though."

"Everything seems strange right now. I never thought I'd be stabbed, either. Life is strange," Masao sighed.

"You can say that again! Ah, I want to get in with you," Jun lamented.

"Why not?" Masao grinned a bit. He wouldn't mind.

"Don't try to tempt me. If I got in with you, I'd want to touch you and kiss you. I'd eventually want to push you down, spread out your legs. I'd want to be in you. And you can't. You're too fragile and weak. And, well, drugged."

"I wish, as long as I was high and all, they were better drugs. I feel strange. And my eye feels sore. Except... it's not there anymore."

"I'm looking forward to your pirate look, though. Very swashbuckling. I'm sure you'll make a very dashing pirate," Jun replied cheerfully.

"As long as you think so, it's ok, then," Masao smiled.

"Really? It's ok to lose your eye as long as I'm happy?" Jun asked.

Masao looked at Jun. "I'm so happy... that you didn't slam the door in my face. That would have been..."

"There's no way I could ever have done that. After all, I'm in love, too." Jun got up and smiled at Masao. "Don't slip down. I'll get the futon ready."

Masao watched Jun walk away. He meant that he was in love with Masao, right? Masao clung to the side of the tub, and closed his eye. Yes, he was tired, but even more. He was grateful. So grateful. Jun came back and helped him out of the tub, drying him off like he used to dry Hikaru when he bathed him as a child. He even teased Masao by brushing his teeth for him. They went to bed, curling up together in Jun's futon, spread out in his cramped bedroom. They got in to sleep as they always did, but Masao discovered that Jun was on his _blind side_ , and he unexpectedly started to panic, so Jun agreed to switch places. Being on the other side of the futon felt weird, too, but not being able to see Jun at all without moving his head... was stranger.

It seemed like he was just about to drift off, feeling warm and happy and comfortable, and then Jun moved to put his head on Masao's chest. "Are you still awake, Masao?"

"...Ah, yeah, I am..."

"You sound groggy. Are you really awake?" Jun snickered.

Masao rubbed Jun's back. "I'm awake, I'm awake!"

"...You know. Back in... back in high school, I fooled around with a couple of guys, but it was never serious. I wouldn't say I _dated_ any of them. They were scared of it, you know. Being gay, being with another guy, even just for fun. It was always about secrecy. That was ok. I didn't mind back then. I wasn't in love with them or anything. I was found out, though. My parents knew. They were willing to overlook things, as long as I went far away for college. From Nagano to Tokyo... it felt win-win to me.

"In college, first term, I had this... sociology class. I was supposed to be a graphic design major. It was just a required course. But, I fell in love with my professor. I had never felt that way before! Everyday, I couldn't think about anything or anyone but him. I'd just moon over him in class. Of course, I was scared, too. I mean, the Professor wasn't that special or anything. He wasn't super gorgeous or anything. He wore funny vests that didn't match every day, and got very excited in class, making it seem like the things he was talking about happened last week to people he knew, rather than a millennia ago. 

"Near the end of the term, I screwed up my courage and went to see him, and I made a pass at him. He accepted me. I was pretty shocked and ecstatic, at the time. I had no idea that he was a total nympho who slept with anyone at all who would let him. He was married, he had kids, his youngest child was a few years older than I was, I was _far_ from his only lover... and still, just because I had been crushing on him and then he said yes, I ended falling into the trap. I changed my major in my second year so I could take more classes from him, and I did work study in his research group. I spent a summer in China with the group, and he didn't tell me until the last minute that he wasn't going. After college, I started working for him officially as a researcher, a grunt, really. Though, I did all the artist renderings for him, of course. _That_ was how I had subverted my own dreams, and became his property.

"We had sex whenever he wanted to, we met up when he wanted to, he ignored me when he wanted to, slept with anyone else he wanted to..." Jun sighed heavily. Masao rubbed the back of his neck. "It was a hellish half-life, but daily I convinced myself that I was in _love_ and it was therefore ok. It went on like that for _years_ , so much so that I'm really ashamed to admit it. And then."

Jun swallowed hard. "Two... I think it was about two years ago, nearly three... during vacation, the Professor was in a car accident. Because it was during vacation, no one in the research group knew anything, since he was supposed to be away with his family anyway. He lingered, after the accident, for days, going in and out of consciousness, but by the time we heard about it... he was already dead. Of course I went to the funeral, but his wife glared at me, and his children ignored me. They knew he was a degenerate cheat, and I had even spent a summer in Milan with him once, so. 

"I had been with him for seventeen years. And when he died, I wasn't able to say goodbye. I wasn't even allowed to grieve for him."

The room was silent, and dark. Masao wrapped his arms around Jun.

"Obviously," Jun sighed, "after all that, I was determined to never go through anything like that again. The next time I fall in love, I promised myself, it would be with someone who could love me and only me in return. But I just have bad taste, or something. I saw this... gorgeous, elegant man at the station, and I followed him to a bar. I told myself, any guy like that has got to be married, or a jackass, or something, but I watched him most of the night, and he didn't hook up with anyone, so at least he wasn't looking for a one nighter in a love hotel. I went to the same station the next night, just for a lark, and he was there again. On the third night, I actually spoke to him at the bar. Turned out, I was just his type, too." Jun moved up, leaning over Masao. He looked right into Masao's eye.

"I was too afraid before, too. If I pushed you, maybe you would have chosen me. But if you didn't, I think... I think it would have been worse than with the Professor..." Jun sighed, and looked away. But then, he turned back, and more firmly, "That's why! Now, even though it's late, I'm asking you... Choose me! Only me! I promise, I promise... I'll always choose you, too. Even after we're both dead, you'll still be my first choice. I think we can be really happy together... I think... so please! Choose me!"

"I am," Masao said, trying to break into Jun's desperation. He touched Jun's face, a bit clumsy as he realized his lack of depth perception. "I _am_ choosing you. There isn't anyone else I'd want to choose, I swear."

They kissed, and they fell asleep together.

* * *

  
He opened the door with his own key and stepped inside, calling out, "I'm home." A rush of happiness swelled through him that could wash off any and all bad things that had happened during the day.

"Welcome back!" Jun called back, still sounding rushed and excited. He and his two assistants were valiantly working away in the living room. Jun looked like he wanted to jump up and greet Masao, but he was neck-deep in work. Jun had both a male and female assistant, and they both seemed to understand about their situation. Maybe... _too_ well. The young woman was watching Masao expectedly as if she thought he'd come over and give Jun a greeting kiss right in front of them. Just the thought of it was so embarrassing...

He really had a long way to go as an openly gay man.

"Working hard? How's it going?"

Jun groaned softly, but he was still smiling. "Things are progressing, slowly but surely! I don't think we'll be causing any trouble tomorrow for the deadline. How about you?"

Masao shrugged, and put the bag from the grocery store on the counter. "You know. I got some stuff to make dinner, enough for all of us. Let me just change my clothes..."

Jun groaned again, and Masao blushed just _thinking of what he was thinking_. As nice as it would be to let Jun undress him...

"Yay for boyfriend-san!" the male assistant exclaimed. "I'm _starving!_ "

"Just keep drawing!" Jun tapped on the table.

"Yes, yes!" the two chirped back in unison.

Masao smiled at Jun as he made his way back to the bedroom. He had about half of his wardrobe at Jun's now, so the bedroom barely had enough room for the two of them while they were sleeping. With the assistants there, too, there was no room at all in the front of the apartment. Tomorrow was the deadline, so it was fine for just tonight, but. Masao changed out of his suit into a shirt and a pair of khakis, and went back out to make dinner. He smiled at Jun again as he passed, and then set himself to work in the kitchen. Both Mitsuko and his mother fussed over him, offering to teach him to cook a bit, but he'd brushed them off. He did buy a cookbook, though. He could manage, as long as he kept it simple. And the grocery store did have some ready-made things to help out, too. 

It didn't take long, then, for him to put together a meal, and Jun let them all take a break. They ate standing at the counter, and Jun's assistants teased him for not remembering their names, even though he _did_ know they were Nakamoto and Tenno, he just didn't remember who was who. Jun kept catching his eye and smiling at him. But then, he would stare at Masao's eye patch.

Once they were done eating, and the assistants replenished their drinks, they went back to work. Jun lingered at the counter, reaching over to touch Masao's arm. 

"Thanks for cooking," he said softly.

Masao flushed a bit. He had the feeling that Tenno-kun - that the was girl, Tenno-kun - was watching them, but she was in his blind spot now. "Don't mention it. I'll clean up in here so you can focus. Is there anything you need to me to get or anything?"

"Nah... we'll be fine. I'm sorry, you know, this is all so cramped..." Jun sighed, looking over his shoulder.

Masao put his hand on Jun's and squeezed. "It's fine, for now."

Jun was looking at his eye patch again, so Masao turned to start cleaning up. "Hurry and get to work, or you'll be up all night again," he teased.

"Yes, yes!" Jun laughed, going back to work. 

Masao washed all the dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen, taking his time so he could stay out where Jun was without being in the way. He brewed a pot of coffee and set out some snacks for them, too, but that was the limit. Going back to the bedroom now seemed a bit sad, but there wasn't any room for him out there.

Unless he stretched out on the couch, and he couldn't do that.

"I'll be in the back, then," he told them, but Jun waved him closer.

"Here, here. Be useful! Help me with this sound effect, ok?" Jun pleaded.

Sighing as if it were troublesome, Masao came up behind Jun. He could try to sit next to him, but space was just too dear. He sat on the couch behind Jun and reached over him. "Where?"

"Here," Jun pointed. "Right across here. We can fit it in after you write it. It's supposed to be like a... ker- _bonk!_ kinda feeling, but I want it to be kind of... sweeping at the same time..." Jun sighed.

He had placed a sheet over the page he was working on with the lightbox. It sure made it easy to see, as if Masao was working on the page itself, without chancing anything. It made him feel happy, that his gift was so useful to Jun.

"You know, it would be easier from the other side, since..." Jun began, talking right against Masao's skin. 

Masao knew he was turning red, and even Nakamoto-kun seemed amused. "If I go on _that_ side, I won't be able to see at all," Masao sighed.

"Are you sure you can do this with no depth perception?" Jun worried.

"Just watch," Masao promised. It _was_ difficult, but he made sure to position the brush before letting it touch the paper. He wrote out the effect quickly, using fat, messy strokes and elongating and contorting the characters to fit Jun's verbal description. "How is that?"

"Wah! Boyfriend-san is so talented!" Tenno-kun squealed.

"You know, you can just call me Shindou-san," Masao sighed.

"That's _really_ cool, though," Nakamoto agreed. "We've been working on this for too long already."

"As expected of a calligrapher," Jun declared affectionately. And then he kissed Masao's cheek.

Burning up, Masao stood up. "Ah... yeah. Well. Just... call me if you need any more effects." He smiled at Jun, and made his escape.

This was difficult. But. Jun had been smiling as he left the room, so.

There wasn't anything for Masao to do. If he was at Mitsuko's house, with his office, he'd probably log on and do some work, or at least go through emails. He could technically do that from his phone, but it was troublesome, so. Jun had some manga shoved in the corner of his room, so Masao picked it up and skimmed through it. He couldn't quite follow, mainly because he wasn't familiar with the series, but he took the time to examine the art more critically, especially now that he was familiar with how Jun worked.

After a few hours, he had read everything in the room, so he decided to go across and shower. He couldn't take too long because it was the only bathroom and they couldn't expect Tenno-kun to just come in on him, not that he'd be happy to be invaded by Nakamoto-kun, either. He got ready for bed, and set out the futon. He flipped through his phone, reading some email and messages, though he didn't bother trying to reply. 

He heard them breaking for the night just after midnight. Of course, they couldn't miss the last train because there wasn't space for them to stay the night. Tenno-kun called out a goodnight to _boyfriend-san_ , making the other two laugh. Once Masao heard the door close, he got up and went out to see Jun.

"So, how is it?"

Jun smiled brightly at him, though he looked exhausted. "Only two pages to go. Not bad at all. Remember that first deadline? I was so freaked out and you saved me. And then later, my editor was laughing at me because I turned my chapter in so _early_ on the day it was due... long before he was even in the office." Jun grinned, and put his arms around Masao.

Masao rubbed his back. "Well, you had an amazing assistant that time."

"I did!" Jun laughed, looking up at him. "Desperation and adrenaline helped, too. How is your eye?"

Masao turned his head, but Jun was lifting his eye patch, anyway. "It's fine, it's fine. It just feels... weird."

"It still looks pretty red and angry. Are you using the ointment like you're supposed to?" Jun fussed.

"I am, I am," Masao ruffled Jun's hair. "It's just, well. You know. Healing."

"It's so strange!" Jun exclaimed, and Masao tried to jerk away, but Jun wouldn't let go. "I just meant the human body is amazing! Your eyelids are just... _sealing together_ , something like that. It's kind of cool."

"It's grotesque." Masao pushed the eye patch back down.

"You're not supposed to sleep with that," Jun reminded him.

"I'm not sleeping," Masao reminded him right back.

"Were you ok tonight? You should have just gone out drinking or something. It's so cramped in here," Jun looked around, making a face. The apartment was still a disaster, but they'd get the pages cleared up tomorrow. Still...

"You need a proper space to work," Masao said quietly.

"I know. I've been promising those guys that I'd be moving soon... since I first hired them. I even switched my lease to month-to-month, knowing I'd have to move. But it's so daunting! Looking for an apartment and planning a move... on top of everything... I still feel like I could be canceled at any time. And I could be. It's all just... _so much_ ," Jun rubbed the back of his neck.

Masao put his hands on Jun's waist and pulled him over to sit on Masao's lap as Masao sat on the couch. He kissed Jun softly, letting Jun control the kiss. "Well... you're in luck. Because you have a _boyfriend-san_ who has already been looking for places. I can handle it, if you want."

"Really?" Jun raised an eyebrow, but he looked like he was still holding back.

"Indeed. In fact..." Masao grinned, and nibbled at Jun's lower lip. "Since I can't really keep staying at that hotel for much longer... we... _could_... discuss... um, alternative options..." Masao looked at Jun hopefully.

Jun jumped on it immediately. "We could. You have to start the discussion."

"I do?" Masao asked.

"Yes, definitely," Jun nodded.

"Ok..." Masao laughed nervously. Having it put on him made him feel like maybe they weren't on the same page, after all. "Then... would you like to... to get a place together?"

"Is that what you want?" Jun instantly pounced.

"Well... _I'm_ the one who asked _you!_ Would _you_ like to live together?" Masao probed.

"I do," Jun admitted, looking sheepish. "But for me, it's like... moving in with the boyfriend-san I've been seeing for about half a year. It's the next logical step. For you, though... you just got divorced. And had an eye gouged out. Maybe it's too much, too fast?" Jun looked really nervous.

This was silly. Masao picked up Jun's hand off of his chest and kissed each finger in turn. There was ink smeared over his thumb and index finger, and the tips of his index finger was red from overworking. Masao licked his palm, and grinned up at him. "It's wrong of me... but I feel the same way you do. Like this is the next logical step. I just want to be with you, Jun. I love you. I am choosing _you_."

Jun flushed, and looked away, but he was smiling. "Then. Let's get someplace together. We'll be able to get a bigger place that way, anyway. Ah, but...! I'll pay my share!"

Masao leaned back, falling down onto the couch and pulled Jun down with him. He kissed Jun passionately, holding onto him. "Just be with me. We can figure it all out as we go. I want to share my life with you, so."

"And you don't feel guilty?" Jun looked at him quizzically, grinning.

"Of course I do," Masao laughed. "At this point, I wouldn't know how to not feel guilty. But, I don't know. I think this is karma," he sighed, touching his eye patch.

Jun frowned. "For sleeping with a psychopath?"

"For everything," Masao chuckled. "For... living my life as a lie for so long that I... shy away from the truth, even now. If I think of this as a reminder to live honestly, then I really can't forget. Because I have to be aware of _this_... every second of every day..." he sighed.

"I don't like that," Jun murmured. He kissed the eye patch, and then he moved it aside to kiss right under Masao's eye socket. "But, it's only been a week. I think you'll get more accustomed to it in time. You might even get accustomed to being gay," Jun teased. "Or at least, aspects of it that society isn't accustomed to."

Masao chuckled, and rubbed his hands over Jun. Jun, who was here with him, who was going to move in together with him, in a place that was _theirs_. His lover. His Jun. 

"Well. It's possible. ...If the price I had to pay for my lifetime of lies was an eye, it's worth it, if that means... I can finally be with you."

"Ah, you're being romantic again!" Jun complained, making a face.

"Sorry," Masao laughed. "I'll stop right away," he promised.

* * *

  



	11. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


November

* * *

  
He tapped his finger on his desk lazily. This was getting so tiresome. He made sure the transfer document was in order, and then put his seal on it.

"Oh, and... sorry, boss, the meeting in Kyoto has been... well..."

"Cancelled," he finished for Arakawa-san. He smiled at her to ease her discomfort. "That's not really surprising, is it?"

She sighed, frustrated. "This is all so unfair! That damned brat...! ...Oh, sorry, boss..."

"You're not wrong," he laughed. "But it's not unforeseen, is it? Oh, I need you to collect the documents and data for the M-project. That's been shifted to Okuta's group."

"That man is a drunk," she muttered under his breath.

He smiled at her, amused and touched by her loyalty. "Well, yes, he is. But he has a capable staff. The company is not going to sink because of this, fortunately or unfortunately."

She gave him a forlorn look, but if she was about to say something, his phone interrupted them. "Oh, that's Hikaru's ringtone."

"I'll get the files together, boss," she nodded at him, and left to give him privacy.

He answered the phone brightly, "Hello, son."

"Hey. How come I didn't know you were a cyclops?"

Masao blinked, and then sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "...How did you...?"

"I'm over at my friend Isumi's place... you remember him, he was there that night I caught you cheating on mom? He lives next door to your boyfriend."

"Ah... yes, well. We didn't actually _meet_ that night, but." Masao had seen him about the complex, too, since he'd essentially moved in, though he hadn't had the opportunity to introduce himself properly.

Or maybe, he'd successfully avoided the opportunity.

"Yeah, so, I was here and I saw your boyfriend was moving, so I went over to talk to him, and saw some of his drawings, by the way, did you know that he's Yoshizawa Jun?!"

"Yes, I did know my... lover's name, son," Masao sighed.

"Yeah, well, anyway, I saw a picture he drew of you with an eye patch so I made him tell me what was up. But he said I should talk to you and stuff." Hikaru sounded put out.

His son was really too cute, even at his age. "I'm sorry. I guess I should have... look, let's... let's meet. Would you like to go to dinner?"

"Yeah, ok. That family diner? That was pretty good."

"Yes, you've already eaten half of their menu," Masao teased. "What time is good for you? Six?"

"You can leave work that early?" Hikaru asked, astonished.

"Well... it's a pretty light week," Masao smiled.

"Ok. You're buying, right?"

"Didn't you just win some huge tournament or something?" Masao sighed. "You're an adult now!"

"You're seriously going to make me pay!?"

"Of course not," Masao laughed. 

"Hey!"

"I'll see you then, son."

"Yeah, yeah!" Hikaru hung up.

Masao already had a text from Jun.

_I'm so sorry! It just kind of happened all at once! m(_ _)m_

He typed back quickly. _Don't give it a thought. He can be a brat, huh? I'll be late coming back, going to take the brat to dinner._

The rest of his day was suitably boring, the only interesting parts being the texts he traded with Jun. He left just after five, then, to get to dinner, and was waiting for Hikaru in the restaurant with an order of french fries. Hikaru plopped down opposite to him, openly staring at his eye patch.

"We're going to spend a lot of time talking about my lack of an eye, aren't we?" Masao sighed. He tried to cover his eye patch with his hand, but that didn't stop his son from staring.

"What do you expect! It's not every day you find out your dad was stabbed in the eye and he didn't even bother to tell you!" Hikaru complained. _Loudly._

"I'm sorry, son, I just..." Masao shrugged. He wasn't sure what he _just_. It never actually occurred to him to call around and tell people about it. 

"Does mom know?"

Masao blinked. "I... haven't had the opportunity to see your mother since it happened."

"Does _grandma_ know?" Hikaru continued.

"Er... well, like I said..." Masao fidgeted. 

"You had time to find a new apartment with your boyfriend! You can't go see your mother and tell her you lost one of the eyes she gave you!" Hikaru was _loud_. Masao quickly looked around. This wasn't like the last time when hardly anyone was there. The restaurant was just starting their dinner rush. He sighed.

"I know. It's just. It's not an easy thing to _tell_ people. It's... a bit..." He rubbed his forehead. He wasn't sure he could make Hikaru understand. One thing he certainly _didn't_ inherit from his father was any sense of _modesty_. 

Before Hikaru could retort, the waitress came to get their order. Masao just got a small steak, but Hikaru ordered a few dishes. Still, it was less than the last time they were here, so. After she was gone, he shoved a few french fries in his mouth and gave his father an appraising look. After he swallowed, he sighed.

"Was it that weird guy who came to our house? The one who..." he pointed at Masao's eye patch.

There was no getting around it. "Yes, it was Kinjou-kun."

"Did they arrest him?" Hikaru asked sharply.

"The company wanted to keep it quiet," Masao replied, keeping his tone neutral. "His family had him placed in a mental health clinic, though."

"He could use some mental health," Hikaru grumbled. "Did you sleep with that guy?"

"I... I..." Masao stuttered. He wasn't expecting that question, even though he should have.

" _Before_ you met Yoshizawa-sensei, right?" Hikaru narrowed his eyes.

Masao blinked. This was hilarious, in some alternate universe. _Now_ Hikaru was standing up for Jun's honor? " _Yes_ , it was before I met Jun. And it was once." Technically, it was twice, but. "It was just a mistake. And he..." Masao rubbed his temple over his empty eye socket.

"He was nuts," Hikaru sighed. "Even Akira agreed he was nuts, after we got home. And Akira never says anything bad about anyone."

"What did he say to you all when he was in the house?" Masao wondered. He should have known sooner, shouldn't he? That Kinjou-kun was unstable. 

Hikaru shrugged. "Eh. It wasn't like he said anything specific. It was just his whole manner. And he kinda gave mom a dirty look." Hikaru looked away.

"Well, I'm sorry about that. Actually, that night, I didn't want him to come with me at all to get the files, so." Masao shook his head.

"Crazy people are just crazy," Hikaru said, and Masao wasn't sure if it was wise of him or just funny.

Their meal arrived, and Hikaru dug in right away, though not with quite the same fervor as the last time, fortunately. After a bit, he looked at his father's missing eye again. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore," Masao dismissed. "It's just... strange. It's mostly healed, too."

"Did you think about getting a glass eye?" Hikaru asked.

"Not for long," Masao stated bluntly.

"I like the eye patch better, anyway. It's kinda... dashing or something. There's a lot of anime characters that have eye patches. And cosplay stores have their kind, you know! So you can get eye patches with, like, patterns and stuff! That would be cool, huh?" Hikaru was looking far too excited with the idea.

"You know, plain black really matches everything, so..." Masao hedged. He envisioned getting an assortment of cosplay eye patches for his next birthday.

"Yeah, but when you wanna dress it up... I'm sure Yoshizawa-sensei would like 'em..." Hikaru teased him. Little devil.

"I should have realized that the _manga artist_ aspect would win you over," he sighed.

"His stuff is so cool! I've been reading it! Oh, and Yoshizawa-sensei said that _you_ helped with his first chapter for Weekly Shounen Victor! That's so wicked awesome! I had no idea you could do cool stuff like that!" Hikaru's face was lit up beautifully.

Masao wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "Thank you. I think."

"How did you meet?" Hikaru asked timidly. It was so cute, Masao almost didn't feel guilty about his answer.

At least Hikaru liked Jun... that was good. "Ah... it was, well. You know, at a bar."

"A gay bar?" Hikaru pressed.

"Well. Yes."

"You shouldn't have gone to someplace like that when you were married," Hikaru scolded him. "I want to go, though. Akira isn't too interested. I think he might be bi." Hikaru looked vaguely disturbed by that.

"You're essentially married, so you have to take your own advice, then," Masao teased him.

Hikaru just sighed. "I _know_. But I think it would be interesting!"

"Technically, you aren't old enough to drink yet, anyway. And. If Akira-kun doesn't want to go, you could always go with some other friend of yours. Just, you know. Don't hook up with anyone," he warned his son.

"Ha, ha, I know." Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I'm really starting to warm to the eye patch."

"I'm so glad," Masao replied dryly.

"You know... Mom is getting remarried..." Hikaru said, looking away.

So cute. Masao would never get over thinking his son was cute, it seemed. "I know. They're getting married in the spring. Hara-san, right? Have you met him?"

Hikaru sighed heavily. "I _guess_. We, uh, had dinner the other day. I'm not sure how he felt about meeting Akira. He seemed really cold, but mom said that was just _his way_ , so I dunno what that means."

"It doesn't have to mean anything," Masao shrugged. "It's not up to him to approve or disapprove. You and your mother are both adults. He won't interfere with your relationship with one another." Masao hadn't met the man, but he trusted Mitsuko. She was too good a mother to let anyone get between her and her son.

"I _guess_ , I mean, it's not like I'm _worried_ , it's just..." Hikaru sighed heavily. "I don't get why she's in such a hurry, anyway! You gave her the house! She's got money! What does she need a husband for, anyway?"

"I understand... that she loves him," Masao gently reminded Hikaru.

"You know she met him _long_ before you were cheating on her! She said she started having _tea_ with him back last November, and _you_ said you only started being weird after I introduced you to Akira and _that_ was just before the New Year!" Hikaru pointed out, using his chopsticks to drive home his points.

"I know, son," Masao smiled genially at him. 

"Doesn't it _bother_ you? She was cheating first!" Hikaru accused.

"It was just tea," Masao shrugged. She wasn't off sleeping with Hara-san... "And I'm really happy for your mother. I could never make her as happy as she deserved to be. I'm glad she's getting a second chance." And that Masao hadn't totally ruined her life.

"He's way older! Older even than you!" Hikaru complained.

"Thank you so much for that," Masao rolled his eye. "I'll make sure to remind you of that when you are 40. Do you have some objection to Hara-san other than he is going to put his hands on your mother?"

"Oh, shit, they're going to have sex," Hikaru paled visibly.

"That _just_ occurred to you?" Masao stared.

"Well! They're _old!_ Why do they have to do... _that_ stuff!" Hikaru threw his hands in the air.

"I'm going to remind you of _that_ when you're 40, too," Masao sighed. "You're already aware that I'm... not _dead_ yet. Why does it bother you so much more when it's your mother?" Masao understood, of course. Mothers were different than fathers, but it still wasn't fair of Hikaru. Mitsuko had every right to a satisfying sex life.

"Well, yeah, I mean, I _know_ , not that I really think about it..." Hikaru started to think. "...Wait, do you usually top or bottom?"

" _Why_ would you ask me that?" Masao slumped back in his seat.

"I don't know. I started to regret it before I even finished asking. ...I'm suddenly curious, though," Hikaru looked stumped.

"I'm not going to tell you!" Masao firmly told him.

"Do you ever think about that with me? I mean, you know, me and Akira..." Hikaru started.

"I try really hard _not_ to think about it at all," Masao cut him off. "As long as you're both happy, I don't need to be involved."

"It's kind of cool, though. Having something in common and all with you," Hikaru said, grinning just a bit. The way he smiled, he reminded Masao of the way he looked when he was four, and he just figured out something good. "You know, Yoshizawa-sensei said that I reminded him of you?"

"Oh, yeah?" Masao raised his eyebrow. Warmth spread up through his belly. 

"Yeah," Hikaru looked at him a bit shyly. "People usually only say I look like mom, but Yoshizawa-sensei said he'd never met mom, so he can see _you_ in me. What do you think? Do I look like you?"

"I'd be worried if you didn't," Masao teased. "Children are an amalgam. I tend to agree that you look more like your mother, and I've always liked that."

"Yeah? You wouldn't have liked it better if I looked more like you?" Hikaru asked.

"Well, we didn't have a child to try to clone ourselves," Masao laughed. "I like everything about you. Even your go," he sighed. Though, he could never like go.

"You didn't mind that I became a go pro?" Hikaru asked, looking surprised.

"What? Of course not. Did it seem like I did?" Masao asked.

Hikaru shrugged. "Well. I never really _asked_. At the time, mom said you said it was ok if I did whatever I liked, but..."

Masao smiled softly. "At first, I wasn't really sure where it was all coming from. I thought maybe my father had exerted some influence. But you were always a really... single-minded kind of kid. You did what you were interested in, and nothing else. It was really hard to imagine anyone influencing you too much. Then all of sudden, it seemed like, you were taking the pro exam. I didn't know what to think of that, but I figured... whatever happened, you'd figure out the next step from there."

"And you didn't disapprove?" Hikaru pressed.

"Well... I thought it would have been better if you'd gone to high school," Masao shrugged. "But, I respect the fact that it would be difficult, managing your game schedule and trips and the like with school. I just thought, well, nothing in life is certain. It would have been good to have a backup plan. Though, if you decided you wanted to continue your education, you could still go back to take, like, an equivalency exam or some such. There's always another way," he nodded.

Hikaru was looking at him like he was really seeing his father for the first time in a while. "Well. Thanks. You know, for letting me just... decide for myself."

That was something Masao knew the value of, simply from the lack of it. "No problem, son. You've done well, anyway. So, retrospectively, I know it was right."

"What kind of place did you get? I mean. You're moving in with Yoshizawa-sensei, right?" Hikaru asked.

Yes, Masao felt warm all over. It was just... a _happy_ feeling. "We, um. We've bought an apartment... It's. I'll send you the address. It's nice, near a station, plenty of room and light."

"Maybe when you're all moved in, Akira and I should come over and like... celebrate or something. Housewarming?" Hikaru looked amused at the idea, but still.

"We'd really like that," Masao assured him.

* * *

  
He opened the door and called out, "I'm home." He slipped his shoes and coat off, and looked at the ficus inside the door. Jun called back, "Welcome back!" from his studio. Masao felt the leaves on the plant. Jun said he'd always wanted one, so it was one of the first things they got, but Masao worried about it. He'd never cared for a plant before, so he wasn't sure what they needed to do to make sure it didn't die. It probably needed to be watered, he decided. He went back to the studio first, though.

They were moved in, and most of their stuff was unpacked. Masao still had a few boxes shoved in a corner, but for the most part, they were done. Jun, of course, had set up his studio first. He used the bedroom with the best natural light, and gotten himself a proper drafting desk, as well as a table for the assistants to use. The shelves on the wall were lined with materials, tools, reference books, and Jun's manga. Masao had even splurged and gotten Jun a tablet for drawing, but Jun was still getting used to it. 

Tonight, Jun was alone, drawing at his desk. He smiled brightly when Masao came in. "You look tired," he sighed.

Masao shrugged, and came behind Jun to put his arms around him, kissing under his ear. "I am tired. But I'll take a second wind. Now that I'm home."

Jun flushed a bit, turning his face away from Masao. "How was work, then?"

"Oh, you know," Masao sighed. "Same as yesterday, and the day before..." he sighed.

"That bad, huh?" Jun sounded concerned.

Masao forced himself to smile. "It's not so bad. It's not like I wasn't expecting it. I approved another employee's transfer to another section. Won't be long before I've got no one left. Not too hard to imagine how my next review will go," he laughed.

"It's so unfair," Jun sighed, sounding just like Arakawa-san. " _You_ weren't the one who stabbed a coworker! _You_ were the victim! Why are _you_ being ostracized?" He looked at Masao, stricken.

Masao kissed between his eyes. "It's not so bad as all that. It's just the way corporations work. I've got a stigma attached to me. Everyone knows I'm the manager who was stabbed by his jealous underling right after getting divorced. The stories flying around are all pretty toxic, and no one wants to be associated." Masao shrugged. "It's not like they're going to fire me for being stabbed. Or, well, for being..." he swallowed hard, and finished before Jun could finish for him. "For being gay. They're just going to shuffle me into obscurity."

"Well, that's no good!" Jun pouted.

He was so cute, Masao had to kiss him. "True. ...Well, there's something I'd like to talk to you about, but it can wait until after dinner." Jun raised an eyebrow at him, but Masao just smiled at him. He couldn't really wink at anyone anymore... "Don't worry, it'll keep. Did you want to take a bath before dinner, or...?" It looked like Jun had been working pretty hard himself.

"Nah, I'll just wash up. I'm starving! We still have leftovers from that place last night, right?" he grinned at Masao.

"We do," Masao told him, leaning down to kiss Jun again. They'd gone out to an Italian restaurant last night, and really splurged. It had been... borderline romantic. And exciting.

A proper date.

"I'm just going to change my clothes and then I'll warm it up," he said.

Jun jumped to his feet. "I'll help you change."

"I'm not trying to discourage you, but I do want to be sure you know that I'm capable of undressing myself," Masao teased.

"Of course, but it's more fun my way, right?" Jun laughed.

_That_ , Masao couldn't argue with, so he just let Jun follow him to their bedroom. Jun brushed down his suit and then took it off, piece by piece, hanging it up gently. He eyed Masao's underwear and tugged at the waistband, but he let Masao redress without complaining. Masao went to their kitchen and Jun went to the washroom, and they met again in the living room over plates of reheated pasta. Jun turned on an anime and Masao teased him while they ate. They finished the bottle of wine Masao opened for dessert, Jun curling up to Masao on the couch.

"You were going to talk to me about something?" Jun prodded.

"Oh, yes," Masao murmured, smoothing out Jun's hair and kissing the top of his head.

"You're not going to use sex to avoid the issue, are you?" Jun laughed.

"It's not really an _issue_ ," Masao laughed. "But we can have sex later."

"So hopeful," Jun teased.

"I took a long lunch today, since there's hardly anything going on in the office. I took a walk to the calligraphy store that I used to get all my supplies from," he began.

"That sounds nice," Jun said, smiling. It was easy for Jun to imagine what it was like for Masao.

"It was. The old man who owned the shop was still there, just like always. A little grayer, more wrinkled, a bit smaller..." Masao laughed. "We got to talking. He didn't have any children to pass his store down to, but he'd planned on retiring and giving it to his nephew. But, his nephew got married and followed his wife out to Osaka, so. That clearly didn't work out. He said he's getting too old to run the place anymore, but it's hard to sell it off, too."

"That's understandable," Jun replied, and Masao had a feeling that Jun knew where he was going with all this.

"We started to talk about it. The store is pretty stable. I mean, he has a few contracts with, like, schools, universities, that sort of thing, so he's been operating in the black for quite a while. He's also saved up a bit, so. When I asked him how much he was looking to sell for... it was a pretty reasonable sum, considering his location and all." Masao felt nervous for no real reason, except.

He'd given up a long, long time ago on doing anything for a living that was really interesting. 

"You can afford it?" Jun asked, sounding excited. For Masao.

It was a good feeling. "Well. That's sort of. What I wanted to talk to you about... I can probably swing it, especially with a commercial mortgage. And, given the way the business has gone for the last decade and all, that shouldn't be a problem. But... I've... no longer got the house, that's Mitsuko's. And my assets, too, were divided in half. We just bought this place. I don't think I'll have any trouble, but I'll have to use just about everything I have, so... things might be a bit leaner than, well..." He wanted to be able to continue to provide, after all. It was what he was used to doing.

Jun's eyes widened, until they were almost comically bugging out of his face. "But! I mean...! I have an income, too. It's not, well, not that stable, really, and I'm just getting started, but still! I can even swing the monthly payments for the apartment, so...! I totally think you should do it! You'd be so much happier running a shop like that... you can handle running a shop, right?"

"Katagiri-san said he could show me the ropes for about a month or so after the sale, so I feel pretty confident. I mean, he already showed me his books and everything. Fortunately, he'd done pretty well at keeping up, so everything is computerized. I'll have to do a bit of studying up on certain topics, like taxes and all, but overall... Katagiri-san has been doing it for more than half a century, so it's manageable." Masao felt a bit overwhelmed thinking of it. Doing accounting and all... but the software should make it feasible. It wasn't the sort of business that relied on being cutting edge. On the contrary, calligraphy artists depended on the same sort of tools and inks they'd been using for centuries.

"Well, there's not much to talk about then, right? I mean, your company seems dead-set on penalizing you for being stabbed, so. Rather than being made the... Vice President in Charge of... Cleaning Supplies, or whatever, this is way better!" Jun joked.

"The Vice President in Charge of Cleaning Supplies is a really capable man who is the nephew of the CEO. I don't think I could take his place," Masao sighed, feigning seriousness.

Jun laughed, putting his arms around Masao's neck. "Bastard. What's the issue, then? Go for it! ...Is this something you would have talked to your wife about before?"

"My ex-wife," Masao corrected him. "And. Well. The last time I made a huge career change, I didn't really consult with her, but that was because I was... basically running away from her," he laughed self-depreciatingly. "But this is... well, this is a huge financial risk. So that. That affects both of us, right?" He looked at Jun hopefully.

Jun looked shocked, and then he bounced on Masao, excited. "...Yes! I mean, I guess it does. Yeah. But! You don't need to worry! Even if you fail miserably and end up a loser bum, I can still support you! So... go ahead and take your risk!"

"Please don't use the phrase _fail miserably_ or _loser bum_ again, that's..." Masao laughed.

Jun started to kiss him, though. And he was caressing Masao's chest. This was good... "Ah... I am a little disappointed, though," Jun pouted, not at all convincingly. "If you're running a shop, you'd look a little funny if you went in everyday in a three-piece suit, huh?"

Masao laughed, and squeezed Jun. "Yes, yes, that would look odd. I could still wear the vests," he offered.

"It's ok. I can make you dress up at home. That's... kinda better," Jun licked his lips.

"Pervert," Masao teased, picking up one of Jun's hands to nibble on his fingertips.

"Takes one to know one," June replied lovingly.

* * *

  
It was rare in the morning for him to be dressing himself anymore. Jun liked to tie his tie, at the very least. But, Jun had been asked to do a cover for the magazine, so he was working hard at getting a good image ready, and coloring it. Once Masao was dressed, he went into Jun's studio, and kissed his cheek. Jun glanced at him, smiling, but he was still working hard on his drawing.

"I shouldn't have woken you. You hardly got any sleep last night," Masao sighed.

"And for all the wrong reasons!" Jun laughed. "But it's ok. I'll be meeting with my editor this afternoon, so I want to have something to show him. A couple of somethings, really. After the meeting, I'll take it easy. Probably."

Probably, Jun would get to work on whatever his editor told him to do. Masao dug his thumbs into Jun's shoulders, massaging him. "Just don't overdo it. Send me a text when you're done with your editor."

"Ah, that feels so good," Jun purred, leaning back. He looked up at Masao, grinning. "I will, of course I will. Have a good day at work."

"I'll be having lunch with Katagiri-san," Masao told him, leaning down to kiss Jun. "We'll be doing the final paperwork probably next week."

"After that, we should celebrate. While you still have some credit to celebrate with," Jun teased him.

"You just do well with your cover! I'm going to be depending on you!" Masao teased him. Still, the idea of depending on Jun...

From Jun's bright smile, he was probably thinking the same way. "Work hard!"

One last kiss, and Masao was off for the day.

The morning was slow, two meetings where, once again, no one spoke to him directly. At lunch, he spent over an hour with Katagiri-san, who let Masao take some of his old books so Masao could go over the accounting and make sure he understood everything. The afternoon brought a small crisis, but that at least made the time pass. He got a text about three, which he expected to be from Jun, but it wasn't.

_You've been putting me off for so long, I've forgotten entirely what you look like. Isn't it about time we met for drinks?_

Crap. Natsuo... it had been a crazy long time. The last time he saw him was in February. That was before Masao met Jun. He'd begged off the last few times, because Masao was prioritizing seeing Jun over everything else. He wasn't sure how to respond, though. He worried about it for a bit, but it was less than an hour later when Jun sent him a text, so he called Jun.

"I thought you were just going to text me back. I was about to get on the train!"

"Sorry for delaying you," Masao sighed. "Something sort of came up, so I wanted to ask you... A friend from college wants to get together tonight for drinks."

"I'm assuming you want to ask me about this because by _a friend_ you mean the _last_ man you lived with," Jun laughed, but Masao couldn't really read his tone.

"Natsuo is really just a friend," Masao said, though he was reminded that both his son and his ex-wife thought that Natsuo and he had some kind of _other_ sort of relationship. "But if it bothers you, I'll put him off."

"It doesn't bother me," Jun replied quickly. Too quickly? "I'm kinda wiped out, anyway. When I get home, I want to do a few things, before I forget what we discussed in the meeting, and then I'll probably just take the night off and nap or something. So wake me up when you get home, if I'm sleeping. And. Masao? If you cheat on me, I'm cutting out your good eye."

"I have no desire in the world to be with anyone but you," Masao assured Jun, laughing. He was fairly sure Jun wasn't kidding, though. "I shouldn't be too late, anyway. Sorry."

"It's ok. But I'll have you give me a full-body massage when you get home," Jun promised.

"Sounds fine to me," Masao licked his lips. 

As soon as he was off the phone with Jun, he sent a text back to Natsuo. _Sorry, it's been a crazy year, I guess. The usual place? I can be free whenever, so just let me know._

The only problem with meeting him for drinks was finding something to do in the office until after six. It was before seven when he got to their usual pub, so he ordered some beer and snacks and waited for Natsuo. It might have been the first time in years that he'd been there first for one of their nights out. He sent a text to Jun to let him know where he was, and Jun quickly replied to remind him not to cheat. Masao was looking at his phone, then, when Natsuo sat down opposite him.

"I can't believe you're here first. What happened to your eye? Cataract surgery?" Natsuo picked up his beer immediately.

Masao shook his head and sighed. "Why does everyone jump to that? I'm the same age you are! No, it's not that!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Natsuo laughed. "Just giving you a hard time. But seriously, what happened?"

Sighing, Masao looked away. "Oh. I got stabbed in the eye by a coworker. Nothing much."

"Really?" Natsuo stared at him, open-mouthed. "Holy crap. When did that happen? How is your eye?"

"It's gone," Masao shrugged. He was able to say that now as if it really didn't matter to him. "It was a bit ago now. It's mostly healed, in fact. Just skin over an empty eye socket." Though, that was still pretty humiliating. Masao had to expect that any conversation he had with someone he hadn't seen recently would revolve around his empty eye socket, but he still hated it.

" _Shit_. What was it, a disgruntled employee who was being passed over or something?" Natsuo took a long drink.

He was going to stare at Masao's face all night, wasn't he? "No... no, it wasn't that," Masao sighed, hoping they could steer the conversation to something else.

Natsuo grinned at him wickedly. "You, of all people. This must be driving you nuts. You hate it, right?"

"Don't make fun of me, please," Masao shook his head, flushing a bit.

That just made Natsuo laugh. "Of _course_ you do, your beautiful face, all... ruined. For what it's worth, I sort of like it. It's very..."

"Swashbuckling," Masao finished for him, laughing at himself. "I know, I've heard it. I'm very piratey now. It's a little behind the fashions, but there you have it."

Natsuo was just openly laughing at him now. "Don't fret, Masao. We all still love you. What does Mitsuko think of it?" he wiggled his finger in the direction of the eye patch.

Masao froze for half a heartbeat. Ah... right... He rubbed his leg a bit under the table. "Well, she... she was surprised, of course..."

"Surprised?" Natsuo looked puzzled. "Well, of course! But I'm guessing she's having a good time teasing you about this. Though I suppose it's finally gotten you to stop spending so much time in front of the mirror, staring at yourself."

Masao flushed right down to his neck. "I never... ah." He shook his head. Natsuo was practically falling out of his seat.

"I used to have to physically shove you out of the way to brush my teeth!" he reminded Masao.

Damn it all. A good memory wasn't needed in this situation! "Yes, well. Mitsuko doesn't have the same opportunity to tease me anymore." Natsuo just looked at him, confused. "It really has been a long time... Ah, Mitsuko and I got divorced."

Natsuo's glass hit the table hard, splashing beer everywhere. Masao started to move his napkin over to clean it up, but. "What do you mean? _Divorced?_ Since when?"

He was being loud. Masao looked around furtively. "Mm. It was settled in September?"

"Your anniversary was in August! Twenty years!" Natsuo burst out.

Masao winced. "Yes, well... it was on our anniversary that we decided to split, actually. Just took a little while, you know, separation of assets and the like..."

"What the... _hell_ , Masao... What... what have you been doing since then? Where have you been living?" Natsuo reached out and grabbed a hold of Masao's wrist.

This wasn't going how Masao expected, and he had the sinking feeling that he _should_ have expected this. "I, I just moved into an apartment. Um. Recently." He nodded slowly, smiling at Natsuo. "Are you all right?"

"Am I... _shit_ , I can't believe you wouldn't call me to tell me this!" Natsuo rubbed his face with his other hand. The one that wasn't holding onto Masao. Masao tried to move his wrist out of Natsuo's grip, but Natsuo wasn't letting go. "I can't believe you wouldn't... well, _why?_ "

"Why?" Masao repeated, dumbfounded.

"After twenty years, a man and a woman have to have a reason to divorce!" Natsuo burst out.

"Ah, why... well. I mean. I think... you can imagine... and... also... Mitsuko met someone," Masao shrugged, at a loss.

"Wait, she was cheating on you?" Natsuo asked, outraged.

Masao was feeling hot under the collar. He was also damned sick of people staring at him. He had enough of that at work. He looked around, feeling painfully embarrassed. "It's not really like that. And anyway, I met someone, too. It was amicable. We're still friends."

The color drained from Natsuo's face. "What do you mean... _you met someone_. What are you talking about? Who?"

"I feel like I'm being grilled," Masao complained. "You're causing a scene. I met someone. I don't think there's any chance you know him."

"You... you're with some guy? Are you... are you _living_ with this guy?" Natsuo shot back.

" _Please_ keep your voice down," Masao begged. With a bit of force, he got his arm back from Natsuo. " _Yes_ , I am currently... living my lover. And yes, we're both male, well, obviously," Masao sighed. He couldn't look at Natsuo. 

"Your... lover," Natsuo spit out bitterly.

"I really didn't expect you to take it like that," Masao closed his eye.

"How did you _expect_ me to take it, Masao?" Natsuo bitterly spat out. "We've been together... for _decades_. I have been... _patiently_... just... sitting back and watching you... you... you do whatever the hell you want. One day, you decide you want to be _normal_ , so I have to accept that. You want to be a _good man_ , and be _faithful_ to the woman you'll never love, so I had no choice, did I? I had to step back and be the best friend. And now you tell me... you've just _decided_ to screw it all. Forget the last twenty years. No, more like the last twenty- _four_ years, because you didn't just toss Mitsuko aside. You had all this shit going on, and you never thought about _me_ once, did you?"

Natsuo was pretty much shouting at him. Masao thought he might just die of being embarrassed. Their waitress came by, looking nervous. "Is everything all right, sirs?" she asked, practically shaking.

Damn it all. Masao smiled smoothly and stood up. "Ah, yes, but I think we're actually done," he apologized, leaving money behind. 

She exhaled with relief.

He moved quickly just to _get out of there_. He figured that Natsuo would follow him, but he still needed to get _away_. He started to head to the station once they were out of the pub, but Natsuo grabbed him by the arm. Masao turned to face him, glaring, though he couldn't help thinking it wasn't very effective with just one eye. " _What?_ "

Natsuo looked furious, but there was something else in his eyes, too. "C'mon. There's a love hotel over this way, let's go."

"Idiot!" Masao pulled his arm away from Natsuo. "I'm not going to a damned _love hotel_ with you!"

Natsuo shoved Masao back into the alley. " _Why not?_ You've clearly chosen to forget all about it, _but I've never forgotten, Masao._ We were good together, once! _I'm_ the one who has been at your side _all this time_. I deserve to be the one you want to be with!"

"I really don't think it's a question of _deserve_ ," Masao spat out. "And what are you _talking_ about, anyway? You have a wife, a family."

"Only because you forced me to!" Natsuo put his hands flat on the bricks on either side of Masao's head.

"I don't recall doing that!" Masao scorned. "I _never_ forced you to do anything."

"You forced me to break up with you!" 

"We weren't..." Masao took a deep breath.

"Right. I was nothing to you." Natsuo looked and sounded hurt, and angry. Hurt, damn it.

This was all wrong.

"I thought we were _friends_ ," Masao pled with him.

"You were wrong," Natsuo replied firmly. He moved in to kiss Masao, but even though he was fast, Masao was still able to get his hand up to block him. He ducked under Natsuo's arm and pushed him away.

"I am... _so sorry_. For. _Everything_ , I guess. But you need to cool your head off," Masao sighed. "I guess we were both wrong about a lot of things, but the fact is... I'm... in love with someone else. I'm living my life with someone else now."

"You barely know him!" Natsuo desperately grabbed at Masao's jacket. "You haven't even known him a year yet. _I'm_ the one..."

" _I'm sorry_ ," Masao cut in. "But the way I feel isn't going to change no matter what you say. It's just. I'm sorry, but it's not."

"You're such a bastard," Natsuo leaned back, defeated. "So _fucking_ spoiled. So used to everyone doting on you. I hope your _lover_ cheats on you and leaves you. That's what you deserve, you selfish prick."

"That's probably true," Masao agreed sadly. "But even if that's the case, it doesn't mean I'd come running to you."

"I would punch you in the face if someone hadn't already..." Natsuo waved at Masao's eye socket. "I can understand why someone would stab you in the eye. I wish I had been the one to do it."

Masao flinched, and turned away. "I... I am sorry. Natsuo." He walked off, hoping like hell that Natsuo wouldn't follow him. When he got on the train, and sat down, he realized he was shaking. He put his hand over his eye patch, and tried to focus on breathing calmly. 

He'd been afraid of Natsuo.

The train got to his stop, he got off, he walked to the apartment, counting the number of steps to keep himself calm. He got out his key to open the lobby door, but his hand was shaking a bit, so it took him a moment. He checked their mailbox, even though he was pretty sure Jun would have gotten it earlier. He was trying to get calm enough so that when he got to their door, he wouldn't be so visibly upset. Thinking about it, he wasn't quite sure what he'd been afraid of, but maybe that was what made it so difficult. Or perhaps, he had just been too keenly reminded of being stabbed.

He got to their door and opened it, and was reasonably pleased with himself at how normal he sounded when he called out, "I'm home."

"What? So soon? Ah, I mean, welcome back, but. I wasn't expecting you for hours!" Jun was in the kitchen. He was wearing an anime t-shirt that was like one Hikaru owned, and sweats. 

He looked so _comfortable_. Masao just dropped his coat on the floor and went to Jun, putting his arms around him. It was only after he was able to hold Jun for a minute that he was able to speak again. "Well. Drinks didn't do so well. We had a lot to catch up on, and apparently... he didn't take it all so well."

"Ah," Jun sighed, wrapping his arms around Masao. "So the _friend_ from college wasn't too happy to find out you were divorced."

"Yeah," Masao sighed, feeling more secure knowing Jun was laughing at him. "Well, I'm not sure if he was having more trouble with _that_ or that I was living with another man, so. _Apparently_ , he thought, well... that it should be him or something." It seemed so ridiculous when he said it out loud. It had been over two decades since they'd last been... _together!_

"You're really dumb," Jun laughed, pulling back enough so Masao could see him smiling. "You're handsome, but dumb." Jun kissed the forehead over Masao's good eye.

"How was I supposed to know?" Masao sighed, miserable. "I mean, I get that I should have, but..."

Now Jun was just laughing out loud. He pulled back, taking something off the stove. "Did it get ugly?"

"He tried to drag me off to a love hotel," Masao sighed.

"Aw. And you weren't at all tempted?" Jun asked him, looking at him wickedly over his shoulder.

"What do you think?" Masao wryly replied.

"I feel sorry for your _friend_ from college, but I guess those are the breaks. It's not really your fault, you know," Jun placated him.

"I have a feeling this is going to turn around on me," Masao sighed darkly.

"You just have this, like, demon power of attraction," Jun explained cheerfully. "You're not even aware of it. You just draw people in, and even when they _want_ to get away, they can't. Honestly, I have more and more respect for your wife, being able to break the spell."

"Ex-wife," Masao reminded him robotically. "And it's ok if _you_ think that way. I'd actually prefer it if you found me demonically attractive. It would give me a great deal of peace of mind." Natsou's curse echoed in his mind. "But nobody _else_ needs to feel that way. I'd be a lot happier if no one else considered me to be that attractive. After all, I only have one eye left," he sighed, rubbing his temple near his eye socket.

For a second, all he could think about was the pain in his head, but then he had Jun in his arms again, and Jun was squeezing him, hard. "There you go again. Being romantic and saying... just what I've always wanted to hear," Jun murmured raggedly. "I wish you'd stop doing that," he sighed.

Masao wrapped his arms around Jun and squeezed him tightly, rubbing his back. "Yeah. Well. Working on it," he teased.

Jun pulled back and grinned at Masao. "Ah... I was about to eat something. Want to watch bad movies with me and get drunk?"

"I can't think of anything I'd rather do. Wanna help me change my clothes first?" Masao wiggled his eyebrows at Jun.

Jun stroked the fabric over Masao's chest. "Mm, yes. We have to take good care of the suit..."

Masao laughed, and pulled Jun's head closer to kiss his forehead. He was definitely, finally able to feel himself again.

* * *

  



	12. December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


December

* * *

  
He came into the office for the last working day before the New Year a bit late. He'd stopped by Katagiri-san's shop before work to return the books he'd borrowed, and stayed long enough to have tea with the man and help him open up. It wasn't like it mattered that much. The office was next to empty, anyway. Between vacations and evacuations, there was only Kimura, already napping at his desk, and Arakawa-san working that day. He indicated to Arakawa-san to follow him into the office as he went by her desk. He hung up his coat in his wardrobe, and took out the envelope from his jacket, setting it on his desk.

"Is that what I think it is?" she asked gloomily.

"You aren't surprised, are you?" he asked, seating himself.

"No," she sighed. "But it's so unfair. I really enjoyed working with you, sir. I can't say that about most of my managers here," she added darkly.

He smiled affectionately at her. "You've been a godsend to me. When I turn this in to Tsuchida-san, I was going to ask him to give you some special consideration. I would hate it if you were saddled babysitting some swaggering jackass as this department is rebuilt. Is there any position you would particularly enjoy?"

"I appreciate the thought, sir," she smiled at him weakly. "I hadn't really thought about it before. I never actually intended to spend so much of my life in this career," she sighed.

"I know that feeling," he nodded.

"What will you do next, sir?" she asked anxiously.

"I'm buying a calligraphy shop," he reassured her. "No more boring meetings for me."

"Oh! That should suit you quite well!" she beamed.

"Thank you," he felt better, just seeing her smile. "I hope they can find something to suit you well, too, Arakawa-san. You deserve it."

"Well, thank you, sir," she sighed, looking at his letter of resignation. "But I still wish none of this were necessary. That stupid brat...!" 

"Strangely, I've missed him these past months. He was mentally unstable and apparently violent, but he _was_ a hard worker. Ever since Nishida left, we've really been struggling."

"I haven't missed him," she sharply retorted. "That boy had no idea of his _place_." She turned to leave, but she looked back at him. "Sir? Do you mind if I ask you something... impertinent?"

"Oh!" he straightened up. "I think I would like that! I don't think I've ever heard you be _impertinent_ before!" he teased her.

She shook her head, too used to him. "Was... was your lover worth it? I mean... losing your wife...?" she asked him, looking nervous and a bit forlorn.

He smiled at her. "Ah... you and Mitsuko got along very well, right? Don't worry. I think we might actually be closer now than when we were married, and we're both happier. So, yes. My lover... is definitely worth it." 

Arakawa-san smiled at him, looking younger when she did. "Ah, well. That's good, then. And, thank you, sir. For, well. Not being the typical chauvinistic clod."

"I do my best," he saluted her.

The day was so slow, it was only halfway through the afternoon when he let Kimura and Arakawa-san go for the day, and he headed to Tsuchida-san's office. His secretary made Masao wait for about twenty minutes before letting him in, but Tsuchida-san looked happy to see him, at least. Masao shook his hand, and then handed him his letter.

"Ah... I was hoping to get through to spring at least before we had to do this," he sighed, seating himself.

Masao took the chair opposite Tsuchida-san's desk. "I can be fairly flexible about the end date. I know we have one or two projects still in the pipeline, but I figured there was no reason to put off the inevitable."

Tsuchida-san opened the letter, and laughed. "Of course, it's hand written. As expected of a former calligrapher. Ah, damn. If it had been possible, I would have liked to have sheltered you from all this. But you can't stop rumors," he sighed.

"No, sir, you can't. I appreciate your sentiments, though," Masao smiled blithely.

"Are you going to be all right?" Tsuchida-san asked him.

"I think so. I've got things set up," Masao replied. 

Tsuchida-san shook his head, looking out his window. "I remember pulling you up from the calligrapher's pool. You were pretty eager back then, willing to work night and day. But you were bad about going out drinking with us! You wouldn't get drunk, no matter what we did, and the waitresses were always flirting with you and ignoring the rest of us!"

"I remember those drinking parties a little differently," Masao easily laughed. "I was always afraid of making a fool of myself."

"You always did hate to lose control," Tsuchida-san laughed. "Always trying to manipulate how people thought about you."

Masao sighed. "I give up. Apparently, I'm quite shallow."

"I don't really think so," Tsuchida-san generously replied. "But these past few months, everyone talking about you and your sex life... it must have been hell for you."

Masao straightened, and formed a tight smile. "Ah... well... It is what it is," he replied, keeping his tone neutral.

"Hmph! There you go again," Tsuchida-san shook his head, and picked up Masao's letter, looking it over. "I suppose I have no choice but to accept this."

"If I could ask a favor, though sir? I know the whole department needs to be reorganized. My assistant, Arakawa-san, knows more about the department and how it works than I do. I'd hate for her to end up under some moron who would just take advantage of her experience and ignore her. If possible, could she be moved to some better position? She's earned a promotion, after all these years."

Tsuchida-san picked up a pen, and jotted down a note on his calendar. "I'll take that under advisement."

"Oh, and... naturally, the only people left at this point are the ones who couldn't find another place for themselves, but among the leftovers, Kimura is pretty much as useless as a human being can be. I know he has some friends in the company, but... _anyone_ but him for a promotion," Masao explained.

"I think I remember the guy. Got it. You will be missed, Masao. Ah, but on the plus side, I might be able to win back my title as Best Looking Manager in the company," Tsuchida-san straightened himself up, puffing out his chest.

"Good luck, sir," Masao replied, deadpan. "It's the swimsuit competition that decides it. Make sure you practice walking in those heels."

* * *

  
Jun actually bit his ear to wake him up. That seemed a bit excessive. Masao refused to open his eyes, and just moaned a bit piteously to protest the bite.

"That's _your_ phone that's ringing. _You_ have to answer it!" Jun responded.

"Who would call this early?" Masao yawned. 

"It's not that early. We were just up... really late last night," Jun chuckled. Then he kissed Masao's nose. That was better than biting.

Masao actually listened to the ringtone, and then quickly turned to grab his phone. That was... "Hey, son."

"Are you still in bed?" Hikaru laughed. 

"It's..." Masao blinked, and looked at the clock. Granted, it was past ten, but still. "It's a perfectly reasonable time to be sleeping. What can I do for you?"

"Did you know mom's not home?"

"Ah... your mother... is in Sendai or something, right? With Hara-san's daughter and her family?" He rubbed his forehead. It was hard to believe Mitsuko would plan a trip and tell Masao and not Hikaru...

"Yeah, but she's staying there until after the New Year! ...Who is going to make the osechi?"

Masao sighed. " _Please_ tell me you're joking. C'mon, son. How can you even ask that? It's important for your mother that she meets her future husband's family and is on good terms with them. Anyway, you can buy that stuff at department stores nowadays."

"It's not as good as homemade," Hikaru grumbled.

"Well, maybe Akira-kun's mother..."

"They're in Australia! What's the deal with all this traveling during family holidays! Does family mean nothing to anyone anymore? What about Grandma and Grandpa?"

Masao had to laugh at how traditional Hikaru could be where food was concerned. "Your grandparents went to the sea with your grandfather's old army buddy. They have a house overlooking the water, so."

" _Seriously?_ Well, what are you doing tonight?"

Masao's lips quirked into a smile. He was the last resort, huh? "We ordered some food from a restaurant last week. Picked it up yesterday. I don't know if we had any specific plans." He looked up at Jun who was smiling.

"You should bring Yoshizawa-sensei here so we can all celebrate together!" Hikaru declared.

"You just want to see Jun, huh?" Masao deadpanned.

"Akira said something stupid about making stuff himself. I dunno how that's gonna work out... is there enough restaurant food for all of us?"

Masao had a hard time not just laughing at his son. "There's... quite a bit of it..." Masao had splurged, since it was the New Year, after all. And soon, he might not feel as comfortable about splurging. Jun was looking at him, both quizzical and amused.

"We can have dinner together and watch Kouhaku and go to the shrine near here at midnight. It'll be great! All guys!" Hikaru sounded excited.

"Mm," Masao hedged. He needed to ask Jun, of course...

"Akira keeps saying something about making mochi and he even got out this huge stone bowl thing for pounding it... which _kinda_ sounds fun, but..." Hikaru sounded really dubious about the whole procedure.

"Let me just ask Jun," Masao smiled. He pulled the phone away from his ear and carefully covered the hole at the bottom with his thumb. "So we've been invited at the last minute to go to my son's to feed him."

Jun laughed and stretched out on Masao's chest. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Well, I would, but it's our first New Year and all. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."

Jun's eyes shone. He leaned up and kissed Masao softly. "Let's do it. We wouldn't want your son to starve." 

Masao grinned, and put the phone back to his ear. "All right, son, we'll be there. Just text me the address. Or, well, have Akira-kun text it to me," he sighed, making himself sound really put out.

"I know how to send a text now!" Hikaru objected.

"Sure, sure. Ok, we'll see you tonight."

He set the phone down and rubbed Jun's back. "You're sure this ok, right?"

"Of course," Jun laughed. "It's actually been a really long time since I shared a real family New Year's. And besides. We had a good time all to ourselves for Christmas Eve, right?" he smiled wickedly. 

" _I_ thought so," Masao smirked. Jun moved up and kissed him again, but he didn't let Masao deepen the kiss. Instead, he leaned up further, and kissed the skin over Masao's eye socket. Masao immediately moved away and turned his face, reaching for his eye patch.

"Someday, I'm going to make you feel less self-conscious about that," Jun mirthfully warned him.

"I... somehow doubt that," Masao sighed. He positioned the eye patch in place, holding it steady there. "Does this mean we're getting up?" Masao yawned for effect.

"That's up to you. If we're going to stay up and see the sun rise together with your son, I'd say we should take it easy during the day." The way Jun was smiling was particularly enticing, so Masao let him have his way, even though he wasn't sure _that_ really meant they were _taking it easy_. Still, they didn't get out of bed until well after noon, and they didn't bother to shower and get dressed until nearly dusk. They left for Akira-kun's parents' house... at least, Masao was fairly sure that was where the boys were living... at just about seven. 

The house was everything Masao would have expected of Akira-kun's father. He was certain this house had been in their family for at least a few generations, too. He made a face at Jun as Jun pressed the doorbell. Jun just mouthed at him, _Behave!_ He had a really hard time imagining Hikaru comfortably living in a place like this, but then, his son did become a go pro, so maybe he had some kind of appreciation for _old_ things.

Hikaru opened the door, wearing what had to be one of Akira-kun's haori jackets over a t-shirt with a huge number five and jeans. "Hey, c'mon in!" he cheerfully greeted them.

"Excuse us," Masao replied, stepping inside and slipping his shoes off. 

"Yoshizawa-san, the last chapter was so cool! And what a cliffhanger! You gotta tell me what happens next!" Hikaru practically dragged Jun inside. 

"Eh, Hikaru-kun, you know I can't do that," Jun laughed nervously.

Masao whistled as he ambled behind them. " _I_ know what happens next," he cheerfully declared to the walls.

"Masao!" Jun chided him.

"That's not fair!" Hikaru complained. 

"Of course it is," Masao smiled. "I have special privileges."

" _Those_ could be revoked!" Jun threatened.

"I'm not worried," Masao declared. "I don't think you'll kick me out over this."

"Welcome," Akira-kun greeted them a bit stiffly, bowing.

He was dressed head to toe in traditional clothes, with his hair even pulled back into a short pony tail. He looked like a little doll to Masao. He bowed in response before he even knew what he was doing. Jun gave him a funny look, but it was just so weird.

His manga-loving, lazy son was with this proper and well-bred boy.

They were such an odd pair, it was perfect.

"We brought food," Masao handed the tray from the store to Akira-kun.

"And you brought sake," Hikaru pointed at the bottle Jun was carrying.

"That's not for children," Masao sighed.

"Hey! I'm not a little kid anymore!" Hikaru complained.

"And yet, still not an adult. It's a conundrum," he sighed, as if he really sympathized.

"Oh, come on! Are you saying you didn't drink when you were my age?" Hikaru pouted.

"Sure, I can say just about anything," Masao returned smoothly. "What was the rule when you were young? You could have one glass?"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever!"

They all situated themselves in a traditional parlor with cushions and low tables. There was at least a television in the room, though it seemed really anachronistic. It was easy to visualize Touya-san sitting like a monument in a room like this. And, of course, there was a goban set up. 

"How are your parents, Akira-kun? Are they still enjoying traveling?"

"It seems so," Akira-kun replied cheerfully. "It was apparently my mother's idea to go to Australia. We just talked to them on the phone. She was really excited because they saw a kangaroo at a park they were eating lunch in."

"That sounds terrifying," Masao replied in all seriousness.

"I'm not surprised. You're not much of a nature boy, are you?" Jun laughed.

"I don't have anything against nature. Or animals. I like cats," Masao defended himself.

"You do?" Hikaru blinked.

"Sure, I do," Masao nodded. "Dogs are all right, too, but I really prefer animals that take care of themselves and are cute."

"Why didn't we ever have a cat, then?" Hikaru asked.

"Ah, I don't know." Masao thought about it. "Well, it would have fallen to your mother to take care of any pet we had, I suppose, so maybe it was her choice."

"You wouldn't have scooped the littler box?" Jun laughed.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Masao laughed. "I'm not _useless!_ "

"Not completely," Jun agreed amicably, but he was looking far too amused for Masao's tastes.

"It's still weird seeing you like this," Hikaru grumbled as he tore open the food.

"Like what?" Masao stiffened, adjusting his posture a bit.

" _Flirty_. I never would have pictured you the type to flirt and stuff. It's hard to get used to!" he shoved some food into his mouth.

Masao didn't know what to say. For a moment, he just felt frozen with latent guilt. Akira-kun rolled his eyes. "You're a pig. Stop shoveling food in like that!"

"Schtop tellink me whah t'do!" Hikaru complained, his mouth full.

"They're going to be like this all night," Masao stage whispered to Jun. "If the neighbors complain, we should just say that our car broke down in front of the house and they were kind enough to let us in, but we don't know them."

"We can't," Jun laughed. "He's obviously your son!"

"I think I might be offended," Masao sighed.

"Hey!" Hikaru complained.

"Kidding, kidding," Masao assured him.

"If you're not going to share your sake, does that mean I finally get to see you drunk?" Hikaru asked, sounding weirdly hopeful.

"You've never seen your father drunk?" Akira-kun asked.

"No... wait, you've seen yours?" Hikaru gasped, which made Masao laugh. Actually, trying to picture Touya-san drunk was...

"Well, sure. It's not that exciting, though. He just mumbles about various hands, and falls asleep sitting up," Akira-kun shrugged.

That, Masao could see.

"Aw. Wait, have you seen dad drunk?" Hikaru turned to Jun.

"You know what? I haven't," Jun turned to Masao, looking devilish. "Should we get him drunk?"

"Sor~ry," Masao smiled. "But it would take more than just that whole bottle. The one thing I inherited from your grandfather that he wasn't ashamed of... I have a liver like a steel trap."

"This really seems like a challenge," Jun mused.

"I'm not starting the year pie-eyed just to satisfy your curiosity!" Masao objected.

"Maybe another time, then," Jun cheerfully acquiesced. 

"Man!" Hikaru huffed. "I gotta see you drunk someday!"

"This might go without saying, but you have strange hobbies," Masao sighed.

"Look who's talking!" Hikaru pouted. "You know, I'm only just getting to know my own father here. I gotta see all your weird sides. When you start working in your shop, I'm gonna pop over at odd times just to see you in all kinds of moods!"

"That... sounds really nice, actually," Masao smiled.

"See? You're weird!" Hikaru declared.

"This is a two-way thing," Masao said. "I need to get to know you better, too. Like for instance... I thought this living arrangement was only going to last for the summer. Your mother is going to sell the house, you know. Are your parents coming back after Australia, Akira-kun? Where are you two going to live?"

Hikaru and Akira-kun both looked at each other, and then Hikaru shoved food into his mouth and Akira flushed and looked away. Jun started to laugh, and leaned over to rest against Masao's side.

Masao hoped he wasn't blushing.

"Er, well..." Akira-kun started. "My parents... will _probably_ be back in the spring, but..."

"We should just buy mom's house! Then, if something goes wrong with Hara-san, she'll have someplace to live," Hikaru declared.

Akira-kun knit his brows immediately. "Oops," Jun whispered under his breath.

"Your mother will be perfectly welcome to move in _here_ , should the need arise. My father has been talking about getting a condo and signing over the house to me."

"This place is so old!"

"It's traditional! And it's been in my family for three generations now!"

"I knew it," Masao muttered under his breath, to Jun's amusement.

"That just proves that it's old! My house is much more comfortable! And the kitchen is bigger!"

"What difference does _size_ make when all you can fix is cup ramen?!"

"All the more reason why _you_ should be happier in my house!"

"Eep, that's trouble," Jun sighed.

"If we're trying to make _me_ happy, then why don't we just stay here?"

Masao sighed, and leaned over and picked up the remote. Kouhaku was already on, after all.

Jun grinned at him, and poured them some sake.

"It's not always about _you_ , Akira! We've been here for a while, you can't say I haven't given it a shot!"

"I don't know any of these people anymore," Masao admitted to Jun.

"Really? You've tried hard, huh? How _noble_ of you, but oddly, all I remember is about six months of you bitching about how you can't find anything while _I've_ done all the housework!"

"Ooh, I like her dress," Jun sipped his sake, leaning onto Masao.

Masao slipped his arm around Jun. "Really? I'm getting old. All I can think is, it's so short!"

"You are old!" Jun snickered.

"What's that expression... showing the good china?" Masao sighed.

"Old man," Jun laughed.

"You know, I never knew what the phrase _passive-aggressive_ **meant** until I moved in here!"

"If you want me to be _aggressive-aggressive_ , I can manage that!"

"We should get a cat," Jun declared.

"All right," Masao agreed easily.

"Really? You won't mind scooping the litter? Oh, and you're usually up before me, so you'll have to feed it breakfast. Mm, and I'm often working through the night, so..." 

"I got it," Masao laughed. " _I'll_ get a cat, and if you're good, I'll let you play with my cat."

"Was that supposed to sound kinky?" Jun whispered to him.

"Like it would _actually kill you_ to pick up your own stinky socks!"

"My socks _do not stink!_ That much! Not any more than _yours_ , so why not just pick them all up together?!"

" _I don't leave my socks on the floor I put them in the basket!_ "

"Ah, I used to have such a crush on him!" Jun pointed to the screen. "Actually, what am I saying? He's aged _really_ well."

"Really?" Masao raised an eyebrow. "You think so?"

"You don't?" Jun smirked.

"I don't know," Masao sniffed. "Looks like he's had work done to me."

Jun laughed, and leaned in to kiss Masao. "Don't worry, he lacks that... _swashbuckling_ quality I've come to so appreciate in my men."

"Stop it," Masao chuckled. "And what do you mean, _men?_ Don't tell me you're dating _another_ pirate?"

Suddenly, they both became aware that the room was quiet. Well, the show was still on, but.

They turned to see Hikaru and Akira-kun staring at them.

"Ok, I get it!" Hikaru threw his hands up in the air.

"Eh?" Masao sputtered.

"I get it, I get it! You never had... _this_ with mom, and vice versa. Sheesh. I still don't think she had to rush off to get _married_ , but whatever," he huffed, putting his chin in his hand. Affectionately, Akira-kun patted Hikaru on the shoulder.

Masao turned bright red.

"We have some board games to play," Akira-kun suggested brightly.

"I don't play go," Masao said quickly, trying to sound apologetic about it.

"Oh, no, I know that!" Akira-kun beamed. "We have all sorts!"

He pulled out a selection of games that ran the gamut from othello to shogi to Yakyu Ban and even one based on an anime in which Jun and Hikaru seemed particularly interested. With relatively few arguments, they played, and ate, and drank a bit, watching the show and laughing. A little after eleven, Akira-kun suggested they head up to the shrine, so they bundled up and headed off. As Masao could have guessed, the shrine was rather close, at the top of a hill just a few blocks away. Though it was bustling, and there were all the typical food vendors and charm salesman, it was a small, neighborhood shrine, so it wasn't too overcrowded. Once, Jun shepherded Hikaru to Masao's good side, whispering something to him that made Hikaru look at his father's eye patch. It was embarrassing, but he also appreciated it. At midnight, the bells rang, and they all made their prayers.

Masao smiled at Jun just as he bowed his head.

On the way back, Hikaru and Akira-kun started to argue again, this time about the preparations for making mochi that Akira-kun had set up. Masao was speeding up to keep pace with them, but Jun held him back.

"Let's let them get home first," he smiled. "It's nice, isn't it? Such a quiet neighborhood."

"Mostly," Masao laughed, looking at his son and his lover.

"Are you happy, Masao?" Jun asked him.

Masao looked at him. He reached down and took Jun's hand, intertwining their fingers. He lifted Jun's hand to his mouth, and kissed his fingers. "I never would have imagined last year... that _this_ year... could be starting out so..."

"Loudly?" Jun laughed.

They were at a particularly dark nook, as the street was taking a turn, and the stone wall separating the houses from the street took a bend. He pulled Jun into the bend and kissed him. "I never imagined that I'd be seeing in the New Year with someone that I loved so deeply... and with my son. It's a kind of weird perfect."

Jun laughed, putting his arms around Masao's neck. "I like that. Weird perfect. If you hadn't added that, you'd be being romantic again, and you know how much I hate that."

"I know, I have to be careful," he nodded, and then he kissed Jun again.

"Are we really going to be making mochi?" Jun asked, laughing.

"Akira-kun seems to be... rather more persuasive than I would have given him credit for," Masao shook his head. "Well, it could be fun. And.

"I did want to see the sun rise..." he blushed.

"Ah, you're still on the verge of being romantic," Jun pulled back, winking. He took Masao's hand and squeezed it tightly. "Let's catch up before you screw up."

Masao squeezed Jun's hand back. "Yes, sir!"

* * *

  



	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see January for notes

* * *

  


Epilogue

* * *

  
He checked the door before trying the bell, knowing by the cars outside that both Akira-kun's parents and Mitsuko were already here, so likely the house was full and the door would be open. He then held it for Jun, who was laden down with packages. As Jun passed him, he sighed.

"You overdid it, you know."

"You've said that already," Masao sighed. "But I have _not_. You wouldn't believe how much stuff a baby needs!"

"I don't think babies _need_ quite as many toys as you got," Jun sighed, struggling to slip off his shoes.

They stepped inside to the living area, and found the whole complement there. Masao dropped his packages right inside the door, and went to Hikaru, who was holding the baby. "Let me see her!"

"Ok, dad, here, wait be careful..." Hikaru started, but Masao took the baby from him like a pro.

"I do have some experience," Masao teased him. He lifted the little girl up, and she gurgled and fussed. He bounced her a bit, and she blinked and looked at him. "She's just gorgeous."

Someone snapped a picture of him. He turned and stuck his tongue out at Jun. "What?" Jun replied innocently. "First time grandpa gets to hold his granddaughter. That moment should be preserved." He was putting a bit more emphasis on _grandpa_ than necessary, but Masao didn't mind.

_Grandpa_ sounded pretty damned great to him.

"I told you," Mitsuko laughed. "Masao _loves_ babies. He was just like that when you were a baby, Hikaru. Everyday, he'd come home from work, and make a beeline to wherever you were. He just couldn't wait to hold you and play with you."

He got the little girl to grip his finger, and his heart just swelled. "Who doesn't loves babies? They're so much easier to get along with than _normal_ people."

"You might be confusing babies with dogs," Jun sighed. 

Masao shook his head, and then he passed the baby off to his lover. Jun froze, and tried to stop him, but Masao pulled his arms into position and then Jun was holding a baby.

And it was Masao's turn to take a picture.

Masao took a moment to look around the room. He greeted Touya Kyouya and Akiko, and Hara-san, and smiled at Mitsuko. He helped Jun sit down, too amused at how afraid he was of her and how she was gurgling at him to take the baby back. "Have you picked a name yet?"

"Ayanna," Akira-kun replied happily. " _That_ , we agreed on."

"Shindou Ayanna sounds very good," Hikaru coolly added.

"So does Touya Ayanna," Akira-kun icily replied.

"You two should legally formalize things," Masao sighed. "You don't need to change your names for your profession, but with a child between you, you should have your relationship more firmly protected. One of you should adopt the other, and all three of you should be on the same family register."

"I've been saying that!" Akiko-san poked her husband with her elbow. "It could complicate things if you don't."

"Er," Akira-kun and Hikaru looked at each other, both turning shades of pink and red. "Well, we've been talking about it, too, it's just..."

"It's just another thing we don't agree on," Hikaru sighed. "If we knew exactly who was doing what with that, it would have simplified the paperwork for Ayanna, too. For now, we have her listed as Touya Shindou Ayanna."

"That's just crazy," Masao sighed. He took pity on Jun and reached out to take Ayanna. "Your papas need to get their act together, don't they, beautiful? Yes, they do. Because you're now the most important person in the world, aren't you? Yes, you are, and as well you should be." He kissed her forehead and rocked her a bit, getting her to wriggled and make grabby hands. Probably for his eye patch, unfortunately.

Hikaru and Akira-kun exchanged looks. "Well, I guess it's just because we're both only children. Only sons, too. We're both really attached to our names. I mean, wouldn't it bother you if I was no longer a Shindou?"

"It's not up to me to make the decision for you," Masao calmly replied, "but even if you legally became Touya Hikaru, you'd still be my son. You can't get rid of me that easily, I'm afraid."

"It just all happened kind of quickly," Akira-kun smiled. His father grunted, and he looked a bit shamefaced in response. "Er, well, I just mean, we still have details to iron out."

"How _did_ this all happen?" Mitsuko wondered. "I just got a message that you were coming back from China with a baby girl. I was a bit afraid you were going to be arrested at the airport."

"Mom!" Hikaru laughed. "We didn't _steal_ her!"

"We were touring the country with a cultural group, playing exhibition matches with pros from China, Korea, and Taiwan," Akira-kun explained. "As part of the tour, in Guangxi province, we visited an orphanage. At the time, due to a lot of factors, they had a sudden influx of children and babies. They were in the process of gathering resources and reorganizing, you know, trying to send some children to different places that weren't as overflowing and also expediting some adoptions. Anyway, at that time, Ayanna was seriously sick, and they didn't have the money or resources to get her the medicine and care she needed. We took an interest in her, and they arranged to let us travel with her to a hospital in the closest large town so we could get her the care she needed. We dropped out of the tour to watch over her as she got better, and, well." He smiled at Hikaru goofily. "We just. Sort of fell in love with her."

"Since we already had the paperwork to travel with her, it kind of... made what would otherwise be a difficult adoption easy," Hikaru shrugged. "To make it simpler, in China, we just had one of us take responsibility. And that's how our family grew."

Masao stroked Ayanna's cheek lovingly, looking into her dark, glassy eyes. "Thank god you were in the orphanage when you needed to be, huh?" he wondered.

"That's how _we_ feel about it," Akira-kun replied, giving his father a _look_.

Touya-san coughed, straightening up. "I never said that it was bad for you to help her. I was just... surprised... as anyone would be. You two are still rather young, after all."

"Really?" Masao frowned a bit, bouncing Ayanna. "But they're the same age, roughly, as Mitsuko and I when Hikaru was born."

"Oh, I didn't realize! You must have been in a bit of a hurry, then?" Akiko-san asked Mitsuko.

Mitsuko repressed her laughter. "Well, our situation was... not standard. But yes, when we got married, it was like a mission, really, wasn't it, dear?"

"Mission accomplished," Masao nodded, nodding at Hikaru. Jun was barely able to contain his laughter, so Masao carefully did not look at him. "At least at their age, they'll have plenty of energy to keep up with her. And if they can't arrange their schedules, her grandparents are still able to babysit. And we will be _happy_ to do so, won't we, precious? Yes, we're going to have _lots_ of fun spoiling you while your papas are off playing games."

"There you go again," Mitsuko sighed, getting up. She took Ayanna from him, despite Masao's protests. "Monopolizing the baby again! I'm looking forward to babysitting _just_ as much as you are, I'll have you know!"

"Oh, fine," Masao sighed. Though, he was pretty sure Hara-san had plenty of grandkids to keep Mitsuko occupied. "We'll take turns."

"Hey, I'm glad we have plenty of backup. It took us nearly an hour to change her diaper on the plane. We only succeeded because the flight attendant took pity on us, or maybe the rest of the passengers, and helped out," Hikaru sighed.

"That's disgraceful, son," Masao dryly retorted.

"I bet you weren't so great at it at first, either," Hikaru pouted.

"Actually, he was," Mitsuko snickered. She let Ayanna suck on her finger. "I didn't have to change a diaper for nearly a month after you were born, between Masao and your grandmother. The first one I put on came out backwards. I was so ashamed. What kind of mother is less competent than the baby's father?"

"He turned out all right. If parents didn't make mistakes, kids would end up boring," Masao asserted.

"Oh, so all the times you complain about your father," Jun teased him, "that was just him making you interesting."

"Probably more so than he intended," Masao shook his head.

Ayanna screwed her face up tightly, clenching her wee fists together. After a minute, she relaxed, but began to whimper quietly. Mitsuko smirked. "Speaking of diaper changes... what a good natured child you are, Ayanna! When Hikaru was a baby..."

" _Mom!_ " Hikaru stopped her. "We don't all need to hear this!"

"That's right. _You_ have to go and change her. _I'll_ stay out here and regale your company with tales of your infancy."

Hikaru groaned as his mother passed his daughter to him. "Aw. I thought you said I had a month before I had to really learn this."

"No, I said that _fathers_ were better suited to this than mothers," she teased him.

"Don't worry, son," Masao got up and clapped his son on the back. "I've got you."

"You'll do it?" Hikaru asked hopefully, holding Ayanna out to Masao a bit. 

"No," Masao laughed, steering Hikaru toward the baby's room. "The special joy of grandparenting is _not_ having to change diapers. I will, however, coach _you_ through the process."

Hikaru groaned as they walked back to Ayanna's room, and Masao squeezed his shoulder for encouragement, and to show his pride.

* * *

  



End file.
